Monday, July 5, 2010

Big Reveal

I owe it to my actual readers to try to explain what is going on here - maybe you can shed some light on my reaction and see if I took the proper steps.

Oh yeah - I am "living out loud" today. I have typically refrained from writing about specific situations, but this one is just sooo big and in the end - not so big, I would love to see what you think.

Without further ado.. here is what is bothering me.. (I can't believe I am sharing this!!)

Friday was an excellent day. I went to work, I took the egyptian to the mosque, we had lunch at the Chicago style pizzeria (locally owned) and truly had a good day.

In typical Abdou fashion, we came home that night slipped into our normal routine. I turned on the TV (never actually watching it, and it is turned down low) - and my egyptian gets on his laptop (which he treats like a desk top - he never moves it from the table, unless guests are coming over.. BIG pet peeve of mine.) I was sitting on the couch with my laptop.

I asked the egyptian to come over and "hang out with me." Yes, I was being needy. He said he was busy - and began his 6 hour video chat marathon with most of his friends in Egypt and Lebanon.


Soo - fast forward to Saturday morning. I woke up in a foul mood. No doubt about it. Moody, sad, irritable.. who knows why. (Boys look away - I have to share something with the girls - I had a hysterectomy 7 years ago - but I still have my ovaries, perhaps I was hormonal... but.. who knows.. b/c .. well... those things don't happen anymore.. you know what I am saying??) TMI - I know.

Moving on..

I basically pouted most of the day. As I was driving the egyptian to work, he asks, "Is your family okay? What's going on?"

oops.. flood doors erupted.

I gave my dissertation on why I feel he does not give me enough attention. Oh yes, my friends, I went cuckcoo on him. Typical emotional meltdown. But - in my defense, he does tend to spend more time chatting with friends from home, than talking with me. Or so I feel..

He just looked at me like I was crazy, got out of the car and said, "Nicole, you create most of your own drama." I swear- I thought I was going to scream. He was right - this time.

Well, I left and since most of my friends live out of state, and the others were out of town for the 4th - I finally went to see eclipse, alone. I have to admit - this was the first time i ever went to see a movie alone and i loved it! Sorry, I digress...

I get home and open FB. There is a simple message from the egyptian: "I am going to borrow money from my uncle, and I am going home. I am going to Egypt."


Needless to say I freaked out. I thought to myself, "Come on.. it was a little meltdown.."

I called him immediately. He proceeds to tell me: 1. He is at work and can't talk right now and 2. It is just for a vacation for about 10 days or something.

Wait a minute.. back up. On Friday, over lunch, I asked the egyptian where he would like to go for our anniversary in November? He informed me he could not take any vacation- so I accepted it and moved on. NOW he is going to Egypt. Then i relaxed.

"Oh, we are going together?"

"No, I need a vacation - from the states, from work.. from YOU."


I lost it. Right there. I went into psycho mode and slammed the phone down. (Um..yeah. it's a cell, I 'm old school. I still like the idea of slamming phones. This generation has nooo idea how powerful that feels.)

I picked him up from work, and it was a very intense drive home. He was calm and said,
"Nicole, I am just tired. I have not been home in over a year - I miss my family and my friends. I just want to see everyone."

Here's the thing - I understand that. I told him I understood. I just said that I was insulted that 1. He did not invite me and 2. He made this decision without discussing it with me and 3. He said he needed a vacation from me.

We talked a little, I explained myself a little better (the emotional outburst from earlier that day) and we went to bed friends.

I woke up, and after a nice morning - he looked at me and said, "I am going to need you to help pay for my trip home."

I said.. and my religious friends, look away... I said, "You are out of your mother fucking mind. You want a vacation from ME? and You want me to PAY for it?"

Granted - I should have stopped. I brought up something that we had settled, but the nerve of him????

Then because he and I do not fight fair - he says, "Okay - here is the deal. If you don't help me pay for this trip, I will borrow the money from my father. If I do that - I am not coming back, period."

I flipped out. Manipulation 101 - don't even try it with me. I was torn between trying to keep a cool head and losing my mind. Later, I joked with an old friend about how the old "Nicki" came out, circa 18 - 26 years old. I told him where to go, how to go and what to do when he got there. BURN.

Then the whole fight escalated - I said stupid things... "I told him to go then. Go meet some good little muslim girl, and have babies."

See.. it is a sore spot that I refuse to convert. And the fact that it is painful for him that we will never have children.

Ouch. Buttons pushed. Stupid of me.. I know. But I warned you - I don't fight fair and I am a reactor.

We did not speak to each other for 11 hours.

Last night, we were okay. We were calm, we were loving, we are moving past this fight.

My question is - did it have to go down like this? The request was simple.. if I peel back the layers. He's home sick. He wants to go home. He wants to see his people on his terms, without me clinging to his side. He wants Egypt the way he remembered it. He needs my help to get there, and he is coming back.

Could he have asked me in a different way? Oh yeah.

Why do we lash out in such despicable ways? How do you calm your anger and keep your temper in check?

I know this post was extremely personal. But it was hell. I had to purge. Many thanks for allowing me the space to do it.


Tennessee Mom said...

Small fights are always inevitable. For me, its HOW you fight that makes or breaks a relationship.

You may have gone there and fought a little dirty hitting on his sore spots, but in my book, you never, never, never threaten the end of a relationship in an argument.

I couldn't live with the uncertainty of the future of our relationship hanging over my head that was based on whether I bent to his demands.

Tennessee Mom said...

Ooops, my previous comment lost my last sentence.

I wish you well and hope things work out in a way that's best for you.

Nicole said...

Aw man.. I do the same thing! FREAK OUT on people when I'm offended, or hurt, and really should just explain why I feel that way.. but instead, I yell. Maybe its the name Nicole?

I hope everything works out!

Leanne said...

Wow, honey!!!! My mouth is wide open and won't close right now. . . sounds like the first thing you have to do is take some deep breaths...long deep breaths...quiet mind...get the thoughts together and talk without hurting. That's so hard to do. I'm thinking of you - I feel so bad - that was a rough couple days, I am sure. We lash out to hurt - that's it. But we have to stop ourselves and ask ourselves, "Do I really want to hurt this person? Really?" I'm guessing the answer would be NO. I'm thinking of you and sending you a **hug**. (I would have gone to the movie with you!)

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I found you through LBS! I hope getting your feelings out has made you feel a little better, at least. All of us reading your story have gone through our own ups and downs (esp as women!) and can commiserate. My fingers are crossed that all works out well for you!

Witty Jester said...

now i know what they mean whn thy say life is not a bed of roses

Mama Hen said...

Oh Nicole, what a post! You poor thing! Men! I would fip outr also if i was told a vacation was needed away from me and that I was supposed to help fund it! What?! The nerve! I have to say this was well written my friend and I feel like I was with you on this awful little journey! We can always look back and ask if it had to go down that way. He used your being moody (which we all have a right to do) to say he wants an all expense paid trip. To say he would not come home if you did not help pay is something very sad and hurtful. He should not have said that! I wish you happiness Nicole and I am so sorry that you have to go through this right now. I know you have enough on your plate and that you need love and support right now! My heart goes out to you!

Mama Hen

Yenta Mary said...

It seems clear that you need a break from EACH OTHER to think clearly; there is far too much emotion and too much hurt right now on both sides. Clearly he should have talked to you, said he was homesick, treated you as his ally instead of his enemy. Of course you overreacted when such an enormous wound was inflicted upon you!!! There are two sides to each story, and he isn't here to offer his. But this could have been approached in a friendly manner, rather than a passive-aggressive one, by him. To make plans without discussing them with you, to deliberately say he needs a break from you rather than merely a chance to reconnect at home, and to then demand that you meet his terms or he's abandoning you ... so, so wrong. At this point, I would seek a third party to keep the drama down and to offer some objectivity. Your friends/family will side with you, as his will with him. There are cultural and religious differences. A neutral party would probably be very beneficial. I do wish you all the best! Your joy has been evident in your earlier posts, and you deserve that happiness ....

Syeda Zehra said... side is to be blamed for this matter.But I think it was rather awful of him to ask you to pay for his trip without u.!

Anonymous said...

I was going to comment this the other day, but then I had to leave for Boston before I could finish what I wanted to say. *sigh*
That fight sounds terribly rough. I've had fights that intense with friends, and, well... I'm not friends with those people anymore. Admittedly, I wasn't the one fighting dirty... and they refused to apologize for saying some very hurtful things...
Anyway, I probably would have been just as upset as you. I think, maybe, you guys need to sit down and have a serious, no fighting, conversation about what you both really want out of your relationship, and how you feel when he does things that upset you. Hopes. Dreams. Thoughts. Just everything.
It is kind of messed up that he expects you to help him pay for a vacation he wants to take alone. Though, I've read, taking separate vacations isn't really such a horrible thing. In fact, it could be healthy for a relationship. So don't worry about it too much. I don't think he really wants a vacation away from you, he's just homesick.


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