Thursday, May 28, 2015
I thought I had help for my mini move to a storage unit, but alas, it did not pan out. I even changed the date, and that didn't work.
Then on my quest to find additional help (with pay,) I got zero bites. Zero. Damn.
I had many well-meaning individuals suggest various moving companies - I had to laugh. I have used moving companies before, and if you are looking to save a buck, that is DEFINITELY not the way to do. Can't afford to pay a minimum of $300 for two hours, when I only need someone for less than an hour. Not gonna do it.
Looks like it is up to S.G. and I to move some pretty heavy furniture. My soon-to-be-ex-roomie said her boyfriend may help, that gives me a little hope. The goal is to get someone to help with the table, maybe even the larger/awkward pieces (like the couch) - at the very least.
S.G. suggested I cancel my U Haul rental and allow him to come up with the farm truck and trailer. That was definitely welcome and makes Nicole one happy girl.
If only we had help for one hour... ugh.
Narcissism. This one is going to be fun.
Sooo... the S.G. and I were talking about the narcissists in our lives. We looked up the symptoms and talked about our exes... and yes, the signs are all there. But then, when I was discussing other people in my life, about how some people say, "If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it," and we realized, some of these people are text book. I would love the opinion of my readers...
Let's dive deeper.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others.
Sure, there are extremes in every group, but let's talk about the folks that have the "tendencies" of a narcissist.
According to several psychology websites:
- They are consumed with their outward appearance. They take a extraordinary amount of time to get ready, and if there is one little thing out of place, will become angry.
- They spend a large amount of money on their outward appearance.
- They will only do activities or engage in conversations that are of their interest.
- They have an elevated sense of self.
- Will typically have friends that may "worship" them or look up to them. Not open to having overly intelligent or more challenging friends.
- Is paranoid their significant other is "wanted" by other people. Constantly assumes people are cheating, lying, etc - because it is in their own nature, so they assume everyone is doing it.
- They are a conversation hoarder.
- They are a conversation interrupter.
- They like to break rules.
- Boundary Violator (breaking promises, borrowing items without asking, etc.)
- Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. If they don't get their way, they sometimes manipulate, rail-road, or even turn to litigious sources. Often words like, "It's the principle of the matter." Which translate - they are "owed" something.
On the flip side, a non-narcissist would do the following:
- Respect time constraints and roll with the punches.
- Though they often talk and do things they want, they are open to doing with and for others, because that is called a "relationship" or "friendship."
- They feel good about some parts of themselves, and not so great about others.
- They enjoy a good conversation about a myriad of topics.
- They like to do what is right.
- They like to keep their promises and they respect other people's property.
- They realize that you can't win them all, and do not feel like anything is owed to them.
The worst part with narcissist - they don't even realize they are acting in a way that would considered inappropriate.
I'm tired. I work all day, come home, sit down for a second.. then eat dinner, only to fall asleep for about an hour.
Then from 10pm until after midnight I pack.
Then I do it all over again.
Just TWO. MORE. WEEKS.
God... I am so ready to move. I don't want any stress with it either. I just want to get my stuff, go back and clean later, and turn in my keys. I'm just so done.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
I wandered southwest and found a little recharge for my battery - exactly what I was looking for!
Friday night I drove down to Preston, Georgia from Macon to see my S.G. (for new followers, that translates to Sweet Guy.) I was a little taken a back, in a good way, by his daughters bouncing outside to greet and hug me once I got there. It seems we have crossed into that "bonded zone" and for someone who could very well one day be permanently in their life, it was nice to see.
He and I parted ways from his family and headed down to his family's beach house in Mexico Beach, Florida. It is a cute little beach bum stilt house, that is sort of a weathered blue/gray with two bedrooms and one bath. It is directly across the street from the beach, snuggled in a little neighborhood across from the infamous El Governor, the main beach hotel in MB. We got into town close to 9:30 that night, stopping only briefly, in Dothan, AL, to grab a quick burger from Mickey D's. Since his family does not rent the house out, it took a little while to do all of the pre-vacation things to get the house ready: turn on the a/c, turn on the water/water heater, air out the home. We had a quick drink and few laughs and decided to crash.
Saturday morning I got up around 8am, after a really good night's sleep, and decided to cook us a hearty breakfast. While he was snoozing, I snuck on out and drove up to the one little grocery store in town and go some provisions: Cheese, Pickles, Bread, Coffee Creamer, More Cheese, Eggs, a Hat for the beach, and of course, cheese.
After breakfast, we hopped across the street to the beach. If you aren't familiar with Florida geography, Mexico Beach is on the Gulf of Mexico, east of Panama City and west of Apalachicola.
S.G. rented us some chairs and an umbrella, and this s where we camped out all day. Sipping Bud Lite Limeritas, discussing Gilligan's Island politics, staring at the waves crashing in, and chomping on pickles. We talked for hours, swam a little, and sat and read Palate, Southern Living, and Garden & Gun together. It was truly a magical day. By around 3ish, I was a little tired and wanted to finally grab some lunch, so we headed back to the house for snacks and a shower.
That night we drove over to Port St. Joe to eat at a little dive called Three Tails Oyster Bar. I was thrilled to find they had fresh Sangria! We indulged in a little Oysters Rockefeller and I ordered some grilled shrimp with jalapeno hush puppies, corn on the cob, and onion rings. S.G. ordered a blackened Trout sandwich with onion rings.
We laughed, we talked, we truly just let ourselves unwind and enjoy the perfect weather - mid 80s and cool breezes. As we drove back over to Mexico Beach, we were mesmerized by the incredible sunset.
That evening, we decided to head over to the pier and order some ice cream cones
from this popular little shack called Tommy T's. I got a double scoop of strawberry shortcake on a cake cone, while he went for a double scoop of rocky road on a waffle cone.
We walked a little, then went back to his house and sat on the porch swing enjoying our frozen treats.
In classic "getting older" form, instead of hitting the karaoke bar (as intended,) we cuddled on the couch (I dozed off and on,) and watched crappy local television.
All in all the first official day was excellent. Well fed, well rested, and definitely well sunned.
On Sunday, I got up a little early and cooked another hearty breakfast for us. We ended up packing a lunch this time for an extended day at the beach. Of course we wanted to try something
a little different and take Gypsy, his border collie, to the dog beach with us. Salads, cheese, beer, and a pup - we headed out for another afternoon of sun, sand, and surf.
Gypsy was amazing on the beach - jumping in and out of the waves, chasing balls, and never once needing a leash. That dog is incredibly smart. When S.G. said sit - she sits. When he told her to stay on the blanket while we swam, she never once moved. Now that's a damn good dog. We sipped Bud Lite Limes, ate our salads, and relaxed the day away. I do believe HERE is where I got a little sun burned, but honestly, what's a trip without a little burn.
Between the sun, the tremendous amount of walking and swimming, as well as sipping beer in the sun, I needed to take a nap - so we headed back to the beach house and slept for almost 3 hours. Once we got up - it was time for dinner. We headed over to another dive, but this time stayed in Mexico Beach. We ended up at Mango Marley's. We ordered homemade potato chips with blue cheese crumbles, dressing, and scallions for an appetizer. I had a watermelon margarita with fresh watermelon inside of it. SG ordered a random sandwich of sorts, while I went for the yummy chicken wings. We chatted quit a bit about our future, and I am happy to report - we are going to take this as far as we possibly can. We work well together. And THAT is all that matters.
After dinner, we decided to go for a walk on the beach. There is nothing more relaxing that a little time together as the sun sets. It is always bitter sweet to be leaving vacation, but we knew this was it. All in all, it was a fantastic Memorial Day weekend. Yes, I know what the holiday represents. It represents one of the greatest sadnesses of all - losing someone you love in battle. But I think it says something to remember what these people were sacrificing - a way of life for the rest of us. By enjoying our lives and living our lives, we honor those who were protecting us. For that I thank everyone who serves, who has lost someone, and to those who will one day make the ultimate sacrifice.
I hope each and everyone of you had an excellent Memorial Day. Until Next time..
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
It is coming down to the wire, and the stress of life is building up. Luckily, it is temporary and there is an end in sight.
My move is happening in about 4 weeks. I have exactly that amount of time to get my stuff boxed up, throw out what I don't want, and put my things into storage for an undetermined amount of time.
Good stuff? I secured the storage unit. I got in on a deal - first month 1/2 off, and then the price will be less than a $100 a month. Plus - I will have access to it as early as June 1st. This is good.
I ordered the internet and it was installed yesterday at my sister's home. Granted, they will enjoy a month of net with me not there, it is good to have this done and taken care of. Again - this is good.
I reserved and confirmed the Uhaul for the 13th. I got everything I needed for that, as well as, got another friend to help my SG and I load the truck. Again... this is good.
But then there is the stress that surrounds me. The house, currently, is an absolute wreck. Boxes everywhere. Stuff stacked high in little organized boxes. The chaos throws me for a loop. It seems the right thing for me to do is use this weekend to buckle down and finish the packing...
But nope. I'm going down to the cabin.
I have to.
I need a mental break - in general. Transitions are my specialty. But I know when enough is enough. I need to get away from the chaos and recharge my battery.
Between battling our land lord on what we will and will not replace, to coming up with the extra money to pay for all of the connections, rentals, etc - it starts to take a toll on you.
For instance, last night I stopped by Walmart to pick up 4 blinds that need to be replaced. I bought what I thought were the right size. I came home, tried to install them, and discovered quickly they were too big. This morning, as I was cursing and spitting under my breath, I walk into the big box chain store from hell and run into an old friend I worked with in television. She was all smiles and compliments. It was so refreshing to see an old familiar face, and it sort of calmed me a little. I headed over to customer service to do an exchange, only to find out the size I need is out of stock.
I drive from East Macon to Zebulan Rd (no quick way there,) and head to the other Walmart. At this point, I am about to blow a gasket. Any good of running into an old friend was completely shattered. As I walk into this store, one of my board members comes up behind me. She is always a delight to chat with and we commiserate about transitions and whatnot. I felt better, I laughed, I smiled. Then as I turned down the aisle... there in all of their generic glory were my blinds. I grabbed four and headed for the checkout.
I was shown a bit of mercy today. It all seems trivial and ridiculous, but as I was telling my SG, I try to stay 5 steps ahead of everyone else. I like to be prepared for life's little surprises, but for whatever reason, my patience is wearing thin.
I need to refocus. I need to recharge. I need to head to that cabin.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
I got the news tonight that you are gone.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
You called me out of the blue a month or so ago, leaving me this cryptic message from your hospital bed. It was as if you were saying goodbye.
I had not heard your voice since high school. I wondered why me? Why did you feel like you needed to talk? Why such a heartfelt message 20 years later?
Then I called you back, and you explained. You've kept up with me all of these years. Since 2008, we reconnected on FB and just a year later, I started this ridiculous blog.
I basically live my life for everyone to see, and you felt that connection. Which at the end of the day is what social media is.
I promised to meet you for lunch soon. You wanted to catch up in person... but I was always too busy. You told me... I was one of the first people who reached out to you in middle school. You said I was always nice to you when others were not, and you wanted me to know that you loved me for that.
My heart breaks tonight because. I didn't hold up my end of the deal. You asked me to write a blog post about your needing a liver transplant.... and I kept putting it off. Putting my needs before others. Something I'm terrible about doing.
Then all you wanted was one lunch.
I couldn't even get that right.
Tonight you lost your battle with liver disease. (From Hep C.) I'm soooo sorry I didn't get to tell you how much your friendship meant to me.
You are a true inspiration. You bravely fought this terrible disease. I applaud you. I should have said more... and done so publicly. I'm sorry for that. It was all you asked of me.
May God bless you. May you fly with the angels and watch over all of us.
Goodbye, sweet friend.
Friday, May 8, 2015
I looked back over my 42 years of life and recounted all of the places I have lived. I have not lived in the same place over 5 years. How depressing is that?
No real sense of home. No place to just decompress.
I believe that is why it is so important to me to have my "things" around me. My "stuff" has become home. Last night, I packed up all of my books. The written word has always brought me great comfort. I am glad to have that. You can only imagine the sense I loss I felt last night as I packed up my friends. I had to say goodbye to inspiration, my therapists, my life line. Everything is going into storage for... who knows how long.
You are probably wondering why don't I just strike out on my own? Well, I can't right now. Financially, I need to rebuild my savings. I love my job, but it is only a part-time position with the museum. Yes, I am the Executive Director, but our hours of operation cannot withstand full time employees. I am supplementing with freelance writing opportunities. I feel blessed to have been able to live off of my savings over the past 6 months, but the savings did exactly what I needed it to do - get me through a crunch. Now with my roomie leaving, I am left with little choice but to move in with my sister.
That's okay. All of it is. I love what I do. I love who I work with. I love the writing (which is really what I wish I could do full time.. maybe one day...) but for now, I need to take care of me.
And ME.. just wants to sit still for a while.
I'm starting a new thing with my blog (as you could tell yesterday,) it was a Throwback Thursday, where I will recount a specific time from my past. On Fridays, I want to share with you what I have fallen in love with! Either I own it, or I want it!
Okay.. with all of the personal budget cuts, I've had to make a few adjustments in areas I do NOT like to compromise. One of those is foundation. I was using Christian Dior's Star (studio ready,) which is very expensive, but AWESOME. I had to do a little soul searching and I think I may have found a decent "drug store" alternative. It pains me to admit it, but it works equally as well and for about $50 less. I bought this:
I have to say, it really does a fantastic job. I bought my bottle in Nude Beige. It goes incredibly smooth, smudges out fine lines and discoloration, and feels like silk.
Another thing I am working on is getting serious about my gym plan. One of many things keeps me from going as regularly as I would like. 1. I live close to my job and my gym is far away. Clearly, I go home more often than not. 2. My feet kill me when using the treadmill. (I blame years of ballet.) Plus my shoes are crap. 3. Finally - I'm am busty. a 42 G to be exact. No sports bra seems to work.
Well.. I have research and come back with some serious findings. 1. My sister lives 20 minutes from Macon. There is a 9 year old there. If I am going to get any "me time" - it is going to have to be at the gym. So - that will require me to go after work. Fixed that problem.
I researched the best shoes for my issues. Here is what I found:
Review after review recommends this shoe. It is the ASICS Women's GEL-Kayano 20 Running Shoe and runs between $80 - $160.
This running shoe offers a blend of stable support and stretchy comfort, ideal for a neutral to overpronating stride.
One person said, "'I've always wondered why people buy pricey athletic shoes. From outward appearances they look deceptively similar. After I bought these I understand why. Not a runner, I bought these because I have nerve damage to my feet, & they were available in a wide width. I also spend a lot of time on concrete floors(school). By the end of any work day I'm in misery. Seriously, this shoe I don't want to take off even when I arrive home. Best investment I've made in a shoe. I may even start running! Oh, and did I mention that I've received so many compliments on these shoes?"
I feel like I have found a winner.
Then to address the final problem - the sports bra for a busty girl.
I think I may have a solution:
Glamorise Women's No-Bounce Full-Support Sport Bra.
Yep. Comes in my size and in numerous colors. According to the site:
For fuller busted women seeking upper bust control, full coverage, and
medium impact support. Open mesh cami design provides breathable upper
bust containment during active workouts. Reinforces wire-free cups
provide exceptional support and comfort while the moisture wicking
fabric keeps you cool and dry.
Best part? Under $25. Here's hoping for the best!
Those are my top picks for this week! I hope everyone has a great weekend! As always, I'm busy busy busy. But I wanted to take the time and make an effort to write daily again.
Until next time..
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I'm not an "I Love you" and hugs type of daughter.
Because I do not come from a mother who does that.
My mom and I have a very strange relationship. I'm not going to get into all of the reasons, but know that I get it and I'm good with it.
Mother's Day is this Sunday, and honestly, I had totally forgotten about it until my SG asked what I was doing for my mom.
The thought had not even crossed my mind.
Between my packing to move, writing assignments, weekends with SG, and work at the museum and with the boards - my mind draws a blank. Yes, that translates to being completely self involved.
Which I am.
I'll admit it.
What I thought I would do for THIS Throwback Thursday is share some of my favorite memories about my mother. Sound good?
*****Here's the embarrassing part.... I have sat here for 5 minutes trying to come up with something***
It is not that I don't have fond memories, it is that when I think of my mother, I think of how much she pushed me as a child. Looking back, I suppose I was a bit of a people pleaser. I wanted nothing more than for people to love me and tell me I was a good little girl. I'm not quite sure why I can't remember a lot of that from my mother. I mean, she was always there. She was a stay at home mother while I was in school, up until I was in high school. She was the homeroom mom, the PTA president and my Girl Scout leader for 6 years. She was at every dance class, theater performance, silly awards ceremony... and yet, I can't remember smiles, or congrats, or anything like that.
That's a terrible thing to say.
I'm sure there were wonderful things...
But in my twisted little psyche, it is hard for me to remember.
My mom, by definition, was a pusher. She wanted me to have the best grades, get the best parts in ballet, create a path for myself and do my very best. Be the best. Do your best. You are better than this. Etc.. etc.. etc.
It was drilled into me. She wanted me to succeed, and by all means, I believe I did... though, I never feel like it is good enough.
Which is what I remember the most.
Never being good enough.
A lot of that is just me... my way of interpreting events that took place.
Because she wanted the best for me, I did make good grades in elementary school. Because she pushed, I was one of the youngest in the advanced ballet classes. Because I was told I can do better, I did do better by not doing drugs or engaging in the wrong type of behavior in high school. Because she wanted nothing more than for me to succeed, I actually went to college and graduated (straight through,) and did exactly what I said I was going to do at the age of 12.
That's got to count for something.
So on this Throwback Thursday, I say thank you to my pusher - my Mom.
I did everything you hoped I would.
That definitely counts for something.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Lord. Have. Mercy.
I have been going strong since two Mondays ago.
I knocked out five interviews for a few freelance story items earlier... two weeks ago. I spent most of my downtime trying to transcribe everything we talked about. Honestly, if you have ever conducted an interview, that is the hardest part. Sitting down and chatting with someone, as long as you listen and have a natural curiosity, is a piece of cake - it is the going back, transcribing word-for-word what you need to remember, getting the quotes right, and figuring out how to string the facts into an entertaining story is the trick. I have found in the past, if I can get past the first paragraph, the rest sort of writes itself.
Kinda like this blog post.
So what else is going on?
Well, two Fridays ago, I spent the evening with hundreds of warriors. No, no... I did not fight any battles, but I met people who have been fighting a battle and are winning! I'm on the Bibb County Executive Leadership Council for the American Cancer Society. I attended my very first Relay for Life!
I was blown away by the sheer size of the event. Tents upon tents of truly courageous, as well as dedicated and enthusiastic people. I spent years working Heart Walks for the American Heart Association, however, I have never seen an event like this that was so incredibly emotionally charged. It was not only a quick glimpse into the what cancer does to families, but it was also clearly a celebration!
As the ceremonies were kicking off, I wandered to the front and took a pic of these luminaries - they spell out HOPE. I thought this was a beautiful testament of what Relay for Life is all about.
Here I am with the American Cancer Society Manager and our Board President.
I spent years wearing red for Heart, now I put on the purple for Cancer.
The very next morning, SG drove up and joined me for another celebration of life - My Auttie Blossom's 9th bday party.
She was thrilled to have a "skull" themed party. (Oh yes, she is a wild one, that Autumn.) I have to admit, I got a first hand look at how painful coming from a divorced family can be. Autumn's dad does not take the time to spend with his daughter, and he was supposed to be at her party at 1:00pm. We waited and waited.. and apparently he showed up around 5:30 that night. Needless to say, she did not want to cut the cake until her dad arrived. It broke my heart to see her waiting for him by the window. I really should probably not say anymore. But I will sum it up in one word - TRASH.
We consumed her favorite pizza from her favorite pizza join in Gray, Georgia.
This kid racked up on the good stuff. The COMPLETE collection.
SG and my Dad enjoying a few beers while we celebrate the life of the blossom.
The next day, my SG and I drove about an hour north to Atlanta for the American Alliance of Museum's conference. He chose to take a few days to decompress in the hotel, while I went to the conference.
The conference was held at the Georgia Congress Center right in the heart of downtown Atlanta.
This super tall building was my hotel, just blocks from the conference. I stayed at the Westin Peachtree Plaza. Incredible experience. I highly recommend it.
My first day there, I chose to eat at "Fire of Brazil" right across the street from our hotel. The concept is really quite cool - you get this incredible all-you-can eat bar, then these men come around to the table offering unlimited slices of meat. On the bar we enjoyed Chayote Salad, Fresh Carpaccio, Roasted Potatoes in heavy cream, Fresh Smoked Salmon, Black Beans and so much more. As for meat... we were in carnivore heaven. We sampled Picanha, Filet Mignon, Alcatra, Fraldinha, Beef Ribs, Cordeiro, Lombo, Costelo de Porco, Frango, and Linuiga. So incredibly mouth watering, it was also the last place we ate before leaving town.
The following day was a terrific day for eating also! I do believe my mind was blown as I rotated around the city! That's right, we ate at the famous, Sundial Restaurant atop of our hotel at the Westin. Incredible views, actually we were in the highest restaurant in the Western Hemisphere. (According to the folks at the Sundial.) It is a fresh spin on Atlanta dining, the restaurant features seasonal, contemporary American cuisine crafted by Executive Chef Jason Starnes, plus artfully-plated appetizers, imaginative entrees and dessert creations by Pastry Chef Khoi V. Nguyen.
It takes about one hour for the entire restaurant to rotate. We were blown away by the incredible views. Honestly, the views were not the only thing to blow us away, the food was out of this world. I went for the fried chicken breast, drizzled with a honey-thyme sauce, over a bed of mac & cheese. SG went for a blackened trout over cheese grits. And the sweet tea? Sweetened with vanilla bean, mint, and citrus. It was a culinary delight!
Another night we dropped in this little Latin Fusion restaurant. I wish I could remember the name, but.... well... what I do remember is this:
I love chorizo dip, and was thrilled to give this place a try. It was really good, and the mojito was out of this world. I liked the ambiance - we sat outside on the balcony overlooking the city. Just across the street was the Hard Rock Café (more proof the 80s and 90s did happen.)
I hate to admit it, but the service was TERRIBLE. Luckily, the food made up for it.
Another night, we headed to a fantastic little Middle Eastern spot called. "Anatolia Café & Hookah Lounge." We opted for the mixed grilled platter: chicken & lamb kebabs, kofte, lamb chops, adana, and ribeye. It was paired with basmati, falafel, and tahini.
Still on this culinary quest - we had to experience good, old-fashioned Southern Cooking. We were trying very hard to keeping it all very ethnic... but we had to take it back home, so we went to "Miss Pitty Pat's Porch." The story is told that when Scarlett visited Atlanta she always stayed with Aunt Pittypat. During those visits, Aunty Pitty would prepare only her best recipes. At Pittypat's Porch, the tradition continues... sweet tea, fried green tomatoes, then the Pittypat's sideboard, followed by traditional Southern entrees, created in a new Southern style, served with lots of vegetables and homemade breads.
|Fried Green Tomatoes|
|Hoppin John & Collards|
|Buttermilk Southern Fried Chicken, Creamed Potatoes, and Slaw|
Speaking of walking.... we just had to go down a few blocks to Olympic Park.
|view from our room|
So we walk up to the ticketing booth and I ask about the special. The guest services person asked if I had a coupon, of course I had not read about needing one, but I mentioned I was with the museum conference. Then she asked could she see my badge, and OF COURSE....I did not have it. But she walked around the corner, came back and handed me two tickets. I was getting ready to hand her $40o, when she just smiled and said... "Don't worry about it."
Soooo..... the adventure continues!
One of the Georgia Aquarium’s major goals is to be the leading facility for aquatic animal conservation and research. On a global scale, the Georgia Aquarium supports, conducts and leads research on environmental and conservation issues.
We finally make it home, only to discover that SG's mom was rushed to the emergency room and was admitted to the hospital. So we rested up, did some laundry and powered down to Southwest Georgia. Luckily, she is on the mend and we were able to enjoy a wonderful weekend on the farm.
|Heard of President Jimmy Carter? This is his hometown... and peanuts are what they are known for!|
|A nice fresh glass of Pinot Grigio while the sun sets|
|Nothing like a lowcountry boil in the South on a spring afternoon.|
|Blueberries are coming in!|
|Peanut Butter ice cream is amazing.|
|Celebrated SG's niece's 13th bday on the farm.|
Life is really good right now.
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