It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. ~Harry S TrumanI will begin by saying I awoke feeling still a bit tired, but over all a little more rested. See, I finally had a moment last night.
After the egyptian left to go see friends, I started feeling a little tense. So I decided to make tacos and watch one of my Netflix movies that came in the mail. As I was watching "Zodiac," I noticed my muscles were tensing up.. and I felt like I could not breathe, so I went into the closet and pulled out the Homedics Shiatsu massage chair thing. It's like a massage chair, but you actually put it on your chair, works the same. Luckily it worked out the tension in my back, and I began to relax a little.
But I still could not "breathe." You know the kind, it's just an effort - you are so tense, so I decided to pop a Perogesic (OTC med that helps with pain, but makes you sleepy.) Then I went into my room, and FINALLY the tears came. But I was not crying because I can't work at the place I used to anymore. I was crying because, well.. let's be honest.. I started feeling like a failure.
I sat at my desk in my bedroom, it's an old antique desk that I have had since I was a little girl. I just lay my head down, my room was dark, all except for this little Scentsy Warmer.. and I just prayed.
I asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this, because I did not know if I could. I asked for forgiveness for anything I had done that would cause me to be in the position. I asked him to heal the egyptian... b/c right now he is acting like my enemy. I begged for some sort of validation, that I am going to be okay.
I just had a moment. The hardest part - I just felt so alone. I refuse to show this side of myself to anyone I know... so I had to endure it, alone.
I cried, and felt sorry for myself. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable. I gave myself permission to feel a sense of loss. Then I got a heating pad, put it on my back, and just watched a little TV. Finally, I was sleepy enough.. and I went to bed.
I just woke up about 30 minutes ago, fixed a pot of coffee, and decided to get my feelings out.
I know I am going to be okay, but MAJOR TRANSITIONING is about to take place, and I had to face my feelings and my fears. Some people clam up.. I have to purge. So thank you for allowing me an outlet to do so.
You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live.
Have you ever lost a job? Been fired? How did you cope?