Monday, August 1, 2011

I finally had a moment

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. ~Harry S Truman
I will begin by saying I awoke feeling still a bit tired, but over all a little more rested. See, I finally had a moment last night.

After the egyptian left to go see friends, I started feeling a little tense. So I decided to make tacos and watch one of my Netflix movies that came in the mail. As I was watching "Zodiac," I noticed my muscles were tensing up.. and I felt like I could not breathe, so I went into the closet and pulled out the Homedics Shiatsu massage chair thing. It's like a massage chair, but you actually put it on your chair, works the same. Luckily it worked out the tension in my back, and I began to relax a little.

But I still could not "breathe." You know the kind, it's just an effort - you are so tense, so I decided to pop a Perogesic (OTC med that helps with pain, but makes you sleepy.) Then I went into my room, and FINALLY the tears came. But I was not crying because I can't work at the place I used to anymore. I was crying because, well.. let's be honest.. I started feeling like a failure.

I sat at my desk in my bedroom, it's an old antique desk that I have had since I was a little girl. I just lay my head down, my room was dark, all except for this little Scentsy Warmer.. and I just prayed.

I asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this, because I did not know if I could. I asked for forgiveness for anything I had done that would cause me to be in the position. I asked him to heal the egyptian... b/c right now he is acting like my enemy. I begged for some sort of validation, that I am going to be okay.

I just had a moment.  The hardest part - I just felt so alone. I refuse to show this side of myself to anyone I know... so I had to endure it, alone.

I cried, and felt sorry for myself. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable. I gave myself permission to feel a sense of loss. Then I got a heating pad, put it on my back, and just watched a little TV. Finally, I was sleepy enough.. and I went to bed.

I just woke up about 30 minutes ago, fixed a pot of coffee, and decided to get my feelings out.

I know I am going to be okay, but MAJOR TRANSITIONING is about to take place, and I had to face my feelings and my fears. Some people clam up.. I have to purge. So thank you for allowing me an outlet to do so.

You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live.
  ~William Shakespeare

Have you ever lost a job? Been fired? How did you cope?


Bossy Betty said...

Changes are always hard and you are facing a big one. Just take it a step at a time and be good to yourself. We all wish you the absolute best as you begin your journey!

Leanne said...

Oh, my friend. If I could, I would jump on a plane and be there to hold your hand and cry with you. I feel so bad that you are going through this. But I know these are the steps of grief, so it is ok. (remember my ice cream stage? That really was the best one, but luckily has passed.) Take the time to work through all of this, allow yourself to feel, and know that it WILL pass. You WILL, one day, feel better. Until then, I'm here.

Jodene Shaw said...

Stopping in from Leslie's Words of Me ~ loss in the career world, yes, I've been there. Coping? On my knees crying out, and getting up on my feet and walking tightly side by side with God, seeking Him step by step. He has taken me on a new journey now . . .
Sending caring thoughts your way...jodi (

Maeve Frazier said...

Nicole - you are not a failure, unless you cannot or will not pick yourself back up. Take time to know how important and valuable you are. If you feel that way others will feel that, too. Hugs, Maeve

becca said...

hugs sweetie sending positive thoughts your way

Janet said...

Nicole - you WILL be OK. I thought the list you posted on Sunday was so well thought-out and helpful (to ME, too! lol) that I kept it to refer back to.

I left my job several years ago because it was unrecognizable as the job I signed-up for 10 years back - hospital social worker - and we were starting to be asked by administration to do what I felt were unethical things. I expected to feel a sense of liberation when I left, but instead, started to realize how much of my identity was wrapped-up in being a social worker. I felt rather useless for a while, as a result.

I also worried about money and paying bills. What happened with us was truly miraculous, because like manna from heaven, God always provided just enough money for our needs - not more, not less. There were times I truly was astounded that we had the rent money for a certain month. It had to be from God, and I am so grateful to Him.

I also benefited from the long days of silence, because it enabled me to grow closer to God in contemplative prayer. So these days of unemployment have been a real spiritual goldmine for me. I found ways to help people online by e-mailing homebound people, going to forums where people were in emotional pain, etc. You can always find a way to be of service, even when unemployed.

Please don't blame yourself for the loss of your job. God has a definite plan for you now, and He would not have allowed you to lose the job if He did not want you to be doing something else with your time.

I like that you took care of yourself so well when you had your "moment", and also that you let your feelings come out about all this.

I know you will be OK -


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