Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What's Next?

Waiting my turn to do a tour jete or a shanay turn was not something I looked forward to as a child. I absolutely LOVED doing them.. so it was not the anxiety of having to do them, it was more so the waiting, the anticipation of getting the chance to move.

I hate waiting. I am very impatient. I have improved immensely over the years - but still, I am no good at it.

With anything I love or fear - I just want to hurry up and do it. Face the music, so to speak.

I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day..  we were sitting at a cafe, gabbing about nothing in particular when she announced her biggest fear was public speaking. I laughed, because I LOVE public speaking - well, as long as I know what I am going to say. She on the other hand feels paralyzed with fear even thinking about it. I expressed my absolute fear of driving over bridges or even flying. But like all of my fears, I face them head on and would prefer to just get it over with. No need to prolong the anticipation...

Because that anticipation is what causes me to lose my mind.

It's kind of like this "trip" for the egyptian. No doubt in my mind he is SUPER DUPER homesick. I know he is, I have known for a loooong time. Heck, my loyal readers have known this also. I don't want him to go home, though I know it is the right thing. I know, in the end, if he gets "it" together, when he returns in December - it will be glorious. But I would be lying if I did not wonder - "what if" - what if he chose to stay. Seriously. No.. I don't think it would happen, but it could.

Personally, I wish he could just get on that plane and get this whole waiting period over. Waiting for him to leave is crushing me. Waiting for him to contact me first will drive me slightly mental - and waiting for him to return, may actually push me over the edge. I say this jokingly - but you guys know what I am talking about.

Yes- the time apart will be good for me. FREEDOM to come home and not feel like I have to do 1 million tasks before I can sit in front of the tv guilt free. Freedom to leave my shoes and purse wherever I want to. Freedom to do just about anything I want to.

Truth is - I will spend my nights at the gym, weekends with friends, and hopefully FINALLY organizing and throwing out some things I have wanted to get rid of for a very long time.

I think the hardest part will be trying to fall asleep at night. When I lived alone before, I had a cat. That cat kept me company. There is nothing here now. It's super quiet, and well.. I fear there will be a sense of loneliness. I am going to try really hard to NOT fall into a little pity party. (You know, self preservation.) Sure, I will allow myself to fall apart on Sunday.. and maybe even a little on Monday. But I have a business trip coming up and I have to see that as a mini-break. A week on the coast - plus, the holidays are fast approaching. Halloween, then (well.. our anniversary is Nov. 17th) Yeah.. that will be hard. Then Thanksgiving.. Right after Thanksgiving, he will return.

Well.. as he says - Insha allah. Then what? What's next? Moving on to the next chapter of our lives together?
I jokingly put life and all of the experiences into little mental chapters.

When he gets back we will embark on the next step.  God willing, this will set things right as rain.

Lots of prayers, lots of changes (internally for both of us.)

I jokingly told him, 2 weeks and he will want to come back. I always heard from my exchange students, reverse culture shock is tough.

Guess we will just wait and see!!

PS - I promise, I will stop with the sappy posts soon. I am just working it all out - well - here - in my online journal. :-)

5 comments:

Cheeseboy said...

WEll, just imagine all your imaginary blogger friends are there with you, helping you fall asleep.

I'm with you, I really enjoy public speaking. I think I enjoy the attention.

scrapwordsmom said...

Awww, Nicole...I have been out of the loop so I didn't know he was off to Egypt. Wow. Yeah, I can understand why you are a bit apprehensive. But just from what I know of you here you are one tough girl and will get through this. And then after he has been home awhile he will miss you madly and be so grateful to be back;)

I am here for you if you want to talk or just keep journaling this all out and I will read and comment. Try to lift your spirits or do whatever you need.

Have a great day!!

Robin said...

I always write things down to get them out of my head. If I don't, the thoughts just keep circling. Once they are written I feel like I can let them go. Maybe having written this post will make it possible for you to rest easier.

Coffee Junkie said...

I am not fond of public speaking. It actually terrifies me. I'm not sure why...maybe it's because I am not fond of speaking around people I don't know. Anyway...the trip...will be over before you know it and I can tell you indeed from first hand experience that "reverse culture shock" is definitely tough. I lived in Germany for 5 years. It was an easy transition from here to there....returning home 5 years later was not so easy! Once you get settled into a culture...it is often times quite difficult to transition back into what once was 2nd nature to you....Hugs...and remember, you are not going through this alone....we're all here with ya!

Cassandra said...

Generally think I'm like you, a fear facer. Sometimes in the anticipation I talk myself out of doing things that bother me. That's why I rather just do it, right away, no chance to talk myself out of it, and it's done.

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