Saturday, October 30, 2010

Learning to be alone

It is a curious thing - this learning to live alone again. This time, it feels different.

I lived alone post college, in my first little apartment. I often worried about "what if" someone broke in my apartment. Or "what if" I did not make enough money to pay my rent.

Then I remember living alone post divorce. That "what if I feel lonely?" feeling and the - "what if" I did not have enough for rent. ;-)

After visiting the egyptian in his country, I came home thinking "what if" I never saw him again and "when" will I see him again. All in an almost desperate need. Sadness, uncertainty.. it was hell.

This time - yes, there is a void, but there is not a desperation. I am 98% sure no one will burst into my house and rob me of my treasures. I am 99.9% sure the rent will be paid. (Only way it would not get taken care of is if the home invaders took my debit card and took all of my money.) And I know when I will see "him" again - and that day is December 1st.

I can sit here in the living room, wrapped warmly in my fleece nightgown and blanket, with the sound of the sports anchor reporting the high school football scores, and a belly full of fat free/sugar free ice cream.. and  know I am okay, I am safe and I will recover. I have a sense of peace.

Yes, I wish he was sitting on that damned laptop again. Annoying me with his chatting in arabic with friends back home. His spot of the dining room table (that typically drives me bonkers - b/c I want my table back lol) looks empty. But I know in a few more weeks, his glowing smile will return. God willing, in a better mood. 

Tomorrow I do not have anything planned, technically. I actually plan to go looking for a new couch. Yep, that's right. I am ready to get rid of the black one. I have to tell you the TRUE push. Honestly, I have wanted to get rid of it for years, but I fought sooo hard for it in the divorce. Silly thing, but it was where I sat all of those years. I now want it to go away. It represents the past and I am done with all of that.

I also hope to go to the arabic market and purchase my yogurt and cheese. I need to brush up on my arabic greetings, b/c the owner knows the egyptian and always speaks. :-)

I even want to knock out a box or two in the storage room. Decisions Decisions my friends.

Alone can be good. How often are you TRULY alone?

6 comments:

Tere said...

I'm rarely, if ever, truly alone, even in my own home. It's actually a sticking point in my life. At this point, though, I'm trying not to focus too much on that and just cherish whatever little time I DO get every now and then.

Dawn said...

I am hardly ever alone. Sometimes I just wish I could have a weekend to myself to do whatever I wanted to do - read - sleep - shop - fish - whatever my heart desired! But with kids and a mom to deal with that isn't possible!

But I do find a few minutes each day to just sit and reflect on life, and ponder things, to pray and spend time with God. It helps even if it is only 15 minutes or so.

I have been so blessed and with my 19 year old out of the house for now , it won't be but a few more years and my 14 year old will be out as well .. I cherish the daily noises because only then will I have all the time alone!

Mitzi said...

I love that photo of you...in total reflection. Love it! I am truly alone daily for about 8 hours. Sad but true fact, since I'm not working. I have to admit, while I enjoy the alone time, I also sometimes am not 100% certain what to do with myself.

Yenta Mary said...

I'm another one who is almost never alone; the 20 minutes to/from work in the car are precious just to listen to what *I* want to or to have silence, to go where I want, to talk to myself, to think, whatever. No matter how sociable a person is, I think everyone needs some time with themselves to regroup and be whole. So to some extent, this is a healing experience for you, and it's good that you're looking at it that way ....

Leanne said...

Not often. But I enjoyed 24 hours of alone time this past Friday through Saturday. After 4 hours I called my husband (who was out of town working) and told him I was bored. DUH. Then, I returned to my couch and got some long awaited rest. By the time the girls returned on Saturday - I felt TONS better. So alone time did me good!!!

Cassandra said...

I am alone a lot. Sometimes I think it's glorious, others... it's depressing.

Mine only "what if" is "what if I choke on my food and no one is there to help me out." Scary!

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