It is a curious thing - this learning to live alone again. This time, it feels different.
I lived alone post college, in my first little apartment. I often worried about "what if" someone broke in my apartment. Or "what if" I did not make enough money to pay my rent.
Then I remember living alone post divorce. That "what if I feel lonely?" feeling and the - "what if" I did not have enough for rent. ;-)
After visiting the egyptian in his country, I came home thinking "what if" I never saw him again and "when" will I see him again. All in an almost desperate need. Sadness, uncertainty.. it was hell.
This time - yes, there is a void, but there is not a desperation. I am 98% sure no one will burst into my house and rob me of my treasures. I am 99.9% sure the rent will be paid. (Only way it would not get taken care of is if the home invaders took my debit card and took all of my money.) And I know when I will see "him" again - and that day is December 1st.
I can sit here in the living room, wrapped warmly in my fleece nightgown and blanket, with the sound of the sports anchor reporting the high school football scores, and a belly full of fat free/sugar free ice cream.. and know I am okay, I am safe and I will recover. I have a sense of peace.
Yes, I wish he was sitting on that damned laptop again. Annoying me with his chatting in arabic with friends back home. His spot of the dining room table (that typically drives me bonkers - b/c I want my table back lol) looks empty. But I know in a few more weeks, his glowing smile will return. God willing, in a better mood.
Tomorrow I do not have anything planned, technically. I actually plan to go looking for a new couch. Yep, that's right. I am ready to get rid of the black one. I have to tell you the TRUE push. Honestly, I have wanted to get rid of it for years, but I fought sooo hard for it in the divorce. Silly thing, but it was where I sat all of those years. I now want it to go away. It represents the past and I am done with all of that.
I also hope to go to the arabic market and purchase my yogurt and cheese. I need to brush up on my arabic greetings, b/c the owner knows the egyptian and always speaks. :-)
I even want to knock out a box or two in the storage room. Decisions Decisions my friends.
Alone can be good. How often are you TRULY alone?