Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dark Clouds

~ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Henry Wadsworth

I have tried all morning to come up with something to write. Today was "the" day to say goodbye and try my best to not break down emotionally.

Last night we sat up and went over the details of his trip. I reassured him all of the bills would be taken care of, that security measures are in place, and my schedule is the same. We slept (sort of) and then at 5am we ventured to the airport. I gave him a hug, and he told me he hates goodbyes. I quickly got in my car and drove with the windows down and the music blaring. Trying to shake off the sadness. But it came - like a thunderstorm, consumed my heart, and I cried all the way home. I prayed to God for his safety, for my sanity, for a better tomorrow.

I came home numb. Literally stripped the clothes off and left them in the living room, found my most comfortable pjs and fell into bed. I slept hard. I woke up at 9am.. and sat up.. then fell back into bed. I turned on the tv, hardly moving, just watching.. numb. I checked my facebook account, went to the bathroom, heated up corn beef hash (then ate in bed) - and went back to sleep.

I finally pulled myself up and drove to get coffee. My head feels disconnected, my body numb, my spirit gone. I figured the only thing that could shake this feeling was to caffeinate. I went for a venti caramel macchiato. Now, I am back - in bed with my laptop, drinking my coffee and trying to sort through my feelings. This is a TRUE personal journal entry.

I wish it would rain really, really hard.

~ Man could not live if he were entirely impervious to sadness. Many sorrows can be endured only by being embraced, and the pleasure taken in them naturally has a somewhat melancholy character. ~ Emile Durkheim

9 comments:

Coffee Junkie said...

Sending many loving hugs your way my dear friend. Like a wise woman tells me often these days, "this too shall pass".

Ruby@Ruby'sMusings said...

Oh sweetie, I have been there. My hubby stayed in the states, but it might well have been across the world. My heart goes out to you!
That first quote reminded me of my Dad. But that is a long story. And the latter one myself...especially right now.Anyway, raining really hard here, so going to go cuddle in on the couch. We are all here for you!

Cassandra said...

I always lose it when I'm driving in the car alone. It's the worst place to attempt overcoming sadness, it always gets you there... that and the shower. But I kind of like crying alone in the car with the music blasting. Feels good.

Laura said...

I think it is a good thing to cry. I always said that one good cry a week is good for the soul, just as one good hearty laugh a day is good for the soul. I wish I had a good joke to share with you to give you that good hearty laugh. Regardless, just hang in there!

Heather said...

Just remember you have family a phone call away and I know you have a lot of good friends who will help you get through the next few weeks... and you have a husband who will be returning to you refreshed and ready to continue the crazy adventure of life with you!

Dizzy C said...

Hoping u can keep yourself busy and the next few weeks fly by.

carol

dewin said...

Congratulations, you survived!!! That's the only goal for Day one. And for the last entire week. Luckily I made it through Day 1 too. I only cried three times. I forced myself to listen to happy music on the way home from the airport. And I forced myself to hang out with friends all night. Friends are a definite must the first day. And, tomorrow it's always easier! Chin up, you made it!

Leanne said...

Dear dear nicole ... I thought of you all weekend (especially yesterday) and I wished I had your number to dial. One day at a time ... it will pass faster than you think. You have a strong support of friends here who will be with you. Know that we are all thinking of you and sending good energy your way. And yes, cry it out. Release. Then, get up and do something positive.


hugs

Gaston Studio said...

Take it one day at the time and always keep in mind the reunion when he returns.

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