Oh boy... here we go...
I was trying to help my sister get back into the game of writing for her blog again. I thought I would give her 7 words for 7 days. I randomly wrote the first words that came to mind. I gave her trust. You can read her entry at Phantasmagorical Literarium. I have to say, her entry was almost heart breaking. Why? Because I feel like I played a role in some of her issues with trust.
Here's the thing - I can be a blatant bitch when I want to be. Let me rephrase, I don't want to be a bitch - I just am. I hate that about me. Hell, even as a kid I was a little devil. Not at school. Not at ballet. But at home.
Our home was.. well.. explosive. Dad was always at work, mom was at home (a creative spirit stressed out with two kids and putting her dreams on hold.) She (the mom) has a very explosive temper - yelling was all too common. Name calling, insensitive reactions, and verbal slaps were her M.O. Guess what this little girl learned? Don't we pick up the actions, words, reactions of our parents.
I guess God created me to be quite the Survivor. For a little kid - I could seriously take some crap and you would hardly see a tear. I learned early on, tears are a sign of weakness and I should not waste one single one.
In turn, I took out my frustrations on my little sister. Mom used to play us against each other a little - showing a bit more attention, love, and praise to the younger one. I, in turn, learned a behavior that I am not proud of - I could prey on the weakness and use words in ways you could not believe to strike back at any one even attempting to steal my joy. Quick to analyze, quick to respond. Was excellent for debate - not so great for relationships.
I noticed something my sister wrote in her post - about worrying about kids picking on her for the way she looked. My God in heaven - I am guilty as charged. Kids are mean as hell - and I was super duper mean to my little sister.
It's not fair. It's not right. And I pray to God for forgiveness for ever making anyone cry based on anything I ever said.
Trust is a hard thing to find - and if those closest to you are not teaching you that you have a foundation that is strong and will protect you - how will you ever learn to trust? I know, because I never really felt that protection.
Whether or not my perception of past events are indeed reality - that is what I took away from the negative side of things. Yes, there was waaaaay more good. Yes, my parents are good people. Frustrations, aggravation - it's all a part of raising kids.
My hope is to learn to be more trustworthy. To learn to be that rock for those who may need it. If I can ever get to that point, wow - I will have accomplished the seemingly impossible.