Sunday, January 16, 2011

Post Traumatic Stress.. or maybe just stress

Please note, in no way am I poking fun at PTSD, I am sure it is a terrible, terrible disorder.. but I've got some things going on right now that have my brain going every which way.. and if I did not know better, I would say it is b/c of a past situation.

See, the egyptian booked his one way flight today to NYC.  I can hardly type this out, b/c I just feel like either vomiting or sleeping. Which means my brain is trying to protect me, and I am shutting down.

That's what unemotional people do. We shut down.

Or .. in my case, could mean that randomly, just some time through out the week or month, I will start experiencing panic attacks again. They'll pop up at the damnedest places and times.

If you are new here - the egyptian wants nothing more than to leave Birmingham. He wants to live in New York. I want to say he wants us to live in New York.. but right now he is sort of self involved.

He bought his ticket hours ago. Told me. And we haven't spoken since. I think he knows better. He is cautiously moving about the apartment.

I am resigning my lease here. I have an excellent job. I make decent money. I have wonderful insurance. I have an adorable car. My parents are 4 hours away.
Why would I just pick up and leave for someone?  Pick up, and move to NYC... Even when it is my husband.

See.. this is not my first time at that rodeo. I did something similar about 6 years ago, followed someone (who was my husband.. and who was actually able to get us a nice house, pay my bills, etc..) and one just one year later, me with a crappy job in the new city, was left high and dry. Credit shot to sh*t due to the crappy job and other random bills that without my usual income, the ex could not afford to help with. Stuck.. alone, in another city.. no support system. Not really.

I did rebuild. Remember, I told you I am resilient in past posts. I met someone I fell sooo deeply head over in heels in love with. Flew across the world, and brought him back. We have experienced our ups and downs.. and if anyone has every married a "new" immigrant, you can relate to the evil issues that pop up for getting assimilated into your new life. One year and a 1/2 later, the egyptian only has a learner's permit in a city where you MUST have a car, he has worked two odd jobs, and finally got a teaching job - to only discover the pay was crap. But instead of toughing it out - he decided to take matters into his own hands.

He is heading to NY. Mind you, no excellent job is waiting. Actually the exact opposite. An even crappier job, with crappier pay and crappier hours. He has a free place to stay - and to hear the tone in his voice as he is talking to friends back in Egypt (though it is in Arabic) he is giddy as a school girl. Again, a little self serving.

He plans to go back to school and get his certification in New York. B/c That is where he wants to live. (Again, I would say us.. but I am just not mentally ready yet.)

He thinks I should just apply to jobs, and boom come up.

It is New York City. It does not work that way.

For jobs in my field, and at my level (not that my level is so freaking wonderful) - but I do cover an entire state and an responsible for all media relations with cardiovascular disease and stroke in one of the least heart friendly areas in the nation. I can't just get up and go. I have responsibilities I plan to see through.

Many of my friends think he will spend about 1 maybe 2 months, and hate it - and want to come back. Part of me thinks that too.

Part of me flashes back to last time. 6 years ago.

Part of me is hopeful... plans to stick it out the 7 months here, and just see where we are at - right before time to make that bigger decision.

Then part of me just wants to run home and beg my parents to let me hide out there for a few years.

I am just tired. And no, there is no need for anyone to put him down or comment about him. This is about me. Me - trying to find where I fit into this equation. It's not like he is saying he wants to do this alone. I offered him an out. He doesn't want it. He chooses me, and he wants me to come up there.

Maybe it would be easier if I did not have a career. A career that I am very proud of. Maybe if I just had some crappy job, it would be easier.

See - I chose my career over having children. This IS my baby.
I have many moms on here that follow me that chose to be SAHMs.. and I admire you for that. However, it is not an option for me.

This is that never ending dilemma for all women who chose to make money over making a family - you have to sacrifice. Yes, you have to sacrifice in the other situation if you choose the family.

I have come too far. I know there are bigger things out there for me, but if you will read the link I gave in my blog hop - holes in the resume is not a good thing. I don't want to leave "Heart." Not now.

I am just working out my feelings here. I trust my readers to just listen. That's all I am asking for now.. just someone, anyone out there to hear me out. See things from my side. Just ...

11 comments:

Leanne said...

thinking of you and wish I were there to listen to you and give you a hug. Hang in there ... write ... breath ... one minute at a time.

Jennifer Bruno said...

As you know, I am a new follower and haven't been a part of your journey (until yesterday). In one post, I feel caught up to speed and my heart is breaking for you. I hope things work out the way you would like for them to. I will be thinking of you.

Nicole Smith said...

all I want to say is that I'm proud of you. you are giving yourself time to think and feel. so many women (myself included), hear things we may not want to hear and lash out- the old "shoot first, ask questions later"- and you're not doing that. because you are taking time and thinking things through, the answers will definitely come through.

becca said...

hugs

The Phoenix Rising said...

Hang in there. Remember ZEN... ZEN.... get into your Zen place if you can.

High Heeled Life said...

Wow! .... sending you hugs, prayers and blessings. Here to listen...xo HHL

P.S. I left an award for you on my blog... xo

Mrs. Drama Queen said...

What a change....I'm sorry you're at such an impasse. Trust in the fact that things always work themselves out...the trials just may be hard. I hope you guys figure these things out but while he may be self serving (humans ARE egocentric by nature) it's okay for you to be too. You have only one life, don't live it for someone else. Okay?

Doris said...

Aww, sweetie...what a beautiful blessing that you felt free enough to share all that with us. No judging or advice from me...just lots of love and prayers. Only you and God know what has to be done.

Laura said...

Hey Nicole - I have so much respect for you, and I feel your struggle with this relo thing and leaving a great job. (Great jobs are soooo hard to come by!) I know things will turn out for you, and I'll be rooting for you all the way!

Cassandra said...

I too have moved for a guy and I while I don't regret the time we spent together nor the experiences I had because I made that decision...it was a mistake.

After a year, I moved back to Hawaii because I realized that even if we made it as a couple, I would resent him and myself down the road. Also, it seemed painfully clear to me that he would never uproot his life in New England to live in other places, and I wanted to see the world.
Four months after I moved, I broke up with him, and three months after that I found he had cheated on me while I was in Hawaii. Really great.

So, I agree with what you're doing. You can't uproot your stable life for his whims. And knowing NYC the way I do, he'll either hate it or love it. He's going to see the non-tourist side of this city and I think it can kill the dream for some people.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Wow. I'm sure that this is a crazy and horrible task to even begin to try to make this decision. We did the reverse, as you know, but we made the choice together. Hubby had a job set, and he tested the waters down here in NC before I relocated with him.

I'm happy to be your NYC resource, whatever you need, if you have questions, etc. feel free to contact me and let me know. I am only just learning about you and the egyptian, but my husband and I both have strong ties in NYC, if you need any resources, etc. we're happy to help. Hang in there! Stay strong and true to what your heart AND mind are saying, oh, and your gut, too. Totally.

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