Monday, September 24, 2012

Inner Wars

Remember the post I wrote several months ago about the inner wars many of us are battling, and how they some time spill out into the lives of people we come in contact with?

I think I am experiencing one of those "inner wars" this evening.

I've got a lot of major decisions and major pauses - equally contradicting and impeding each other.

The key is for me, as well as every one I come in contact with, is to just relax....
Which of course is easier said than done.

I'm starting to have those conflicting feelings about returning to Macon.

Not to worry, I'm not going anywhere, I am just acknowledging the emotions. Part of me is happy to stay, bloom where I am planted, and try to make a difference in any way I can.

The other part of me wants to slap myself across the face and say, "What in the hell are you doing here? It's a small pond.. you left for a reason, get the hell out before it is too late."

I think that is pride. My pride that pushed me to leave in the first place. That same pride that made me enter jobs where a hell of a lot more pressure and stress and travel was required.

I suppose the honeymood (yes.. I said mood) period is over. I am settled into my apartment, I have a position that I am enjoying, and I run into people all of the time that knew me way back when...

But what I have seen is the same thing I saw when I left, just a different cast of characters. Every ten years, another group comes in, with stars in their eyes and dreams of watching this town "explode" onto the scene... only to fizzle out or buy into the "old system."

Oh.. that old system.

The same old people, same old, tired places, same old crappy promises, and not a damn thing happening to really make any major changes.

But the truth is... that's everywhere.

I look at what is happening in my husband's country - Egypt. Talk of change and a better tomorrow cost many people their lives, homes and businesses. Now a new crop is trying to make a difference, same dreamy look.. just like the old crop once had, but the thing is.. eventually.. it just goes back to the way it was - just a little different.

For whatever reason, that scene from Dead Poet's Society pops into my head. Remember the one where Robin Williams asks the boys to just walk in circles together, and eventually they start off as confident individuals and end up in a rhythm that matched each other? Nothing had changed. They were all going into circles, and completely lost their individuality.

*sigh* If only those who want change.. would not fall into the whole conformist plight.

See.. just an odd little inner dialogue going on here. Basically I am talking around something that is bothering me, but due to the public nature of my blog, I can't say a word.

Such is life. Such is how things have always been. Such is how things will always be.

We should all just carpe diem.. and squelch those inner wars... those inner conflicts.. and for me... do what I came here to do... and that was to seize the day.


Bossy Betty said...

I understand these inner wars completely. I find that writing in my notebooks helps me. (That a a cookie.)

Janet said...

You post a lot about wanting to nurture your spiritual life, maybe attend Mass regularly. I think that people get into a rut and have inner wars and conflict when they don't make some kind of spiritual path a priority. I think you know you need this in your life (and other forms of spiritual delving), but like so many of us, you self-sabotage and avoid just the thing that would help you - if I'm not reading you correctly here, forgive me -


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