Monday, November 1, 2010

Self-Censorship

For the most part, I am an open book. You guys get a general peek into my life. But the key word is general.

Every once in a while I discuss controversial or personal topics. But rarely do I take you all of the way in.

I started thinking about the things I rarely discuss with anyone. Believe it or not - there are some topics. For one, I rarely discuss my previous marriage. Eight years with my ex really did a number on me. There are probably dozens of stories that would just blow your mind. But I tend to censor those, since my family & friends read it. Let's just say - he was not a good person. I sometimes give him the benefit of the doubt because he comes off as a "good old boy." But the truth is, he was the biggest manipulator I have ever met.

Another thing I don't like to talk about is the seven years I dealt with fighting off the "C" word. Those pesty little abnormal cells just kept regrowing and multiplying and coming back in different forms. Three procedures later, and a round of topical chemo (seriously - there is a kind that is for skin and is topical) - I was able to come out okay. In the end - it took my womb and caused some hormonal fluctuations.. but I am here.

I hardly ever go into great detail about my time with meningitis. That is a living hell.

Plus, I have never gone into great detail about my panic disorder. Ahhh.. didn't know about that one, did you? I have suffered from panic attacks since I was 8 years old. I rarely really go into that either.

I could go on and on and on. As I am sure many of you could. The difference may be this - I HATE not talking about it. I want to go into great detail. It sits inside of me like a pot about to boil over. But honestly.. there are sooo many details no one needs to know. It's considered private and personal... and yes, I do have to draw the line somewhere.

What issues make you want to draw the line and close the door?

3 comments:

scrapwordsmom said...

Hi, Nicole....I enjoyed this post. I have things I don't talk about either. One of them is my pain issues. Yes, I have talked about them some...but not much. Mostly because it upsets me too much. I like to keep those thoughts in the back of my mind ya' know?

There is my college past. Not proud of that.:( I do not talk about that much either.

I have a few other things that only a handful of people know and I will always keep it that way. Just too painful to go into and people don't need to know.

I am proud of where I am today. I am a happy person who almost always tries to see the good in everyone and everything. If people knew some of my past that would probably surprise them...

How was your Halloween? How are you? I haven't been here since the beginning of last week....

Have a wonderful day!!

Leslie

Mitzi said...

It appears we have a few things in common my dear friend. "The Manipulator" been there done that! The "C" thing...been there done that! 4 surgeries later, no more ability to reproduce. I was only 27 at the time. There are a few things I do indeed censor, not that I don't attempt to share the tale; just that the tale lacks the dramatic flare that it truly deserves. Oh the one thing I have never ventured into was "The Violent One"...fortunately it ended good, but not before some scars were left behind, one which I see every time I look into the mirror. (broken nose)

Cassandra said...

Oh my gosh! Meningitis is some scary shit! I've read stuff, and sometimes people who survive it have to have limbs cut off. Horrifying. Lucky they have a vaccine for it, that I got before I went to college.

As for the panic attacks. I feel you on that one. I have to avoid caffeine because it triggers all the stressful feelings that usually cause me to freak out.

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