"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"
I know it's all I have talked about lately, but I simply cannot believe how "good" I feel ~ now that I am free to choose a new life. So much so, that I am not allowing any "crap" into my life. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have laid it on the line with the egyptian, or been a little more careful about who's calls I return, or even who I allow into my home.
These past 2 1/2 weeks have afforded me an opportunity to just BE.
Yesterday, I treated myself to a few things. Since 1/2 of my severance came in, I went ahead and paid all of my bills. Even double paid a couple - just to allow myself some cushion.
After all of the business of "life" was done, I headed over to my favorite Chinese Holistic Medicine place and had a massage. I was complaining about the tension in my actual shoulders (joints) - and the therapist did a wonderful job loosening the tension. They also did a lymphatic drainage, which release so many toxins. Hopefully I have done a good job flushing. Afterwards, I finally went for a hair trim, followed by color. (Iced Dark Chocolate ~ Whatever that means.)
Since I spend most of my days alone, I decided to treat myself to a coffee and book. I drove over to Barnes and Noble and got a "treat" - a White Chocolate Mocha.. sinful for sure. Then I just wandered the aisles letting books "speak to me".. when I picked two. The complete poems of Emily Dickinson and the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. I don't think I could have picked two more perfect books to read at this point in my life. *sigh* It was nice to be able to do something for myself.
I find myself at home this morning, just sitting - watching Project Runway Style-a-thon, and just being. Being alone with my thoughts.. with me.
I'm going to be okay!
The egyptian spends most of his evening with his friends (Ramadan - breaking the fast with them.) For the most part, that means less arguments. But recently, he has been wired so tightly.. maybe it's best.
I am trying to decide how to schedule my days, I still find myself a little willy-nilly - floating about. Here are a few items I need to schedule:
1. Learning arabic (30 minutes a day)
2. Exercise (1 hr a day)
3. Cleaning (30 minutes a day)
4. Reading for pleasure
5. Blogging (1 hr a day)
Not sure when and how to do these items. Maybe knock them out in the morning? Or scatter throughout the day?
I am simply not sure. The point is - I am trying to redefine how I tackle life. I want to be more organized. I want to be more focused. I want to be useful and full (spiritually.)
I found a great article on Selfgrowth.com Some of the pointers they give in organizing your life and "redefining" who you are:
- Be aware of what you eat, and what you use - both on yourself, and in your environment. Choose natural, organic products.
- Live a life of kindness, compassion, and charity - it keeps you connected to your center, your source, that infinite reservoir within you that is your powerhouse.
- Don't judge people, or situations - approach each moment with the knowledge that it contains within it the potential of any number of possibilities.
- To connect with your real nature that is unbounded and invincible, practise yoga and meditation.
How do you redefine yourself? How do you schedule your activities?