Saturday, March 19, 2011

Retrospect - Perspective

**another topic suggested by a follower

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. ~French Proverb

Would I do it all over again? Yes, I actually would.

Taking a look back at my life, I see the mistakes loud and clear. Though I am not sure they were mistakes, I would like to think of them as opportunities for improvement.  As a child, I did the absolute best I could. Sincerely. I made excellent grades, I listened to my teachers, I believed everything they told me at church, I loved my family, I strived to be the best dancer in ballet class/the best swimmer in swimming class/the best tennis player during tennis lessons. I did not know there was another choice.

I craved approval from my mentors (parents/grandparents/teachers.) If I did my best, I got it.

Then something happened. Strained relations with my mother, a new concept of bullying at school, and for some reason "algebra" was not something I could grasp. My grades fell, the fights with my parents increased, and this new social phenomena called "middle school" came and shook everything to the core. I stumbled through puberty and made it out alive...

That's when your decisions become YOUR decisions, and your stumbles/mistakes/opportunities for growth increase.

In High School, I somehow managed to rise above some of the petty stuff. I managed to continue to excel in the performing arts, kept a boyfriend close by, and even decided to get my own car (all on my own - mind you!) and find a job. I did it all. I did not know there were any other options.

I got into the college I wanted, majored in the field I had been obsessed with since 7th grade. Started experimenting with the "fun" side of life (like all college students do.) But HERE - taken out of my protective bubble I saw other options. I saw how other people lived. I became a little more lazy, a little less of a perfectionist. I quit exercising, I did whatever I wanted (no one could tell me different - I was an "adult", you see.) I entered a world of a "serious relationship" and moved in with a guy. Mistakes.. Mistakes.. after Mistakes.

Yes, I learned from them all.
But for the first time - those "learning opportunities" actually affected me later in life. My weight is not what it should be. I was a dancer. I don't mean, "I took ballet from silly sally country teacher" - no - I was a dancer. I took from the best. I was actually good. I gave it up. For what? Beer and Boys. Stupid..

I graduated at the top of my class (in Broadcasting.) Got the internship, got the job.. and did everything I said I was going to do. I actually did it well. Met someone. He wore me down (as in.. chasing me and asking me to marry him).. I figured at this point (almost 28) - I guess it is time. I married him. He came from a good family. Time would show we were not a good match. He was a NASCAR loving country boy. He stayed out late, and apparently good not shake the whole smoking weed habit. Many years.. and one move later.. we called it quits. 8 years of my life. Was it a mistake? I hope not... definitely a learning moment..

Then I met the egyptian. He said all the things I had never heard before. He made me believe in myself. I liked everything about him - the way he looked, to the way he talked.. to his mind.. everything. After a loooong struggle to get him here - we married.
We both had spent so much time fighting for our relationship (to friends and family and government) - I think at the end of the day, we have had a hard time just being.

During this current healing process - we are learning to be. There is a different feeling in the air.

Mistakes? I made a few.


Dafeenah said...

If I could do things over, there are a few things I would do differently. It's good though you see things as "learning opportunities". The past is really just the past. Letting go is much better than holding on.

Pamela Hutchins said...

I would do nothing differently. I am so afraid if I changed one of my horrible painful mistakes that I would not end up where I am today, with my amazing husband and life. I loved your post :)
Over from RDC


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