Monday, August 20, 2012

Should this be the end?

I am not sure what is going on, but on several occasions over the past couple of weeks I have been toying with the idea of ending the blog.

I know.. I know...

You might be asking, WHY?

Well....

I have several reasons.

Maybe they aren't good. Maybe they are silly.. but I am just not feeling like.. writing here.

Weird?

I am coming up on 3 years, almost daily sharing on Destination Unknown. I have poured my heart and soul out on this page.

In the beginning, it was sort of an unknown little place to share my life with my exchange students and family around the world. Imagine how incredibly difficult it is to send letters, flooding someones email inbox, or even calling around 14 students, and about 10 friends and family in Egypt. (Let's not forget my family living in Georgia.) It worked as a place to sort of.. share.

I don't know what changed, but by March of 2010, suddenly my 8 followers blew up into 56 followers (and hung in there for months.) Interesting bloggers from around the world started sharing their lives with me. I felt honored and intrigued by their comments, and was blown away by their blogs. It sort of opened up a whole new world for me. I think back then, my total blog views for an entire month was around 100.

By 2011, I had hundreds of followers, maybe 2,000 a month in views, and a dedicated group of actual friends on FB following and commenting. It was fun to share my life and my challenges with people from my past and getting feedback from them. It served a purpose during a difficult transition for me,  an even better distraction from a difficult job and even more challenging cultural exchange at home.

Here we are in 2012 and right before I started my new job I was reaching almost 56,000 views a week (now the views are much lower... around 23,000 or so a week,) and hundreds more are following. I'm not bragging.. I promise... but I am actually getting to a point -

I am having a hard time not sharing my personal life. Does that make sense? With my new job, I am thrust back into the public eye and in a much smaller pond and it sometimes feels like my every move is being judged. Heck, I even got hate mail after doing a tv interview. I don't know how you would handle it, but for me.. it really sucked. There is no other way to put it.

My personal life is basically shit these days. By having to keep it a little more personal, it is actually driving me more insane. I thought about starting another blog, an anonymous blog, and using that space to tell my more personal story.. but I am not a big believer in hiding. I like to live out loud.. and unfortunately, it's not as much an option as it used to be.

Also, I don't get a lot of feedback anymore. No.. I'm not doing it for feedback, but it does make  the experience sooo much better. I see the numbers - but the sharing of thoughts is sort of gone... and as a writer, though we hate to admit it, we need that feedback. Our writing is like a conversation, one we throw out there and hope that someone will eventually read our thoughts and say to us, "Yes.. I understand." It makes it all worth while.

*exhale*

When I stop to think about.. who wants to read this crap? Who actually reads it? WHY do you read it?

I feel so self-indulgent sometimes.. sharing everything with anyone... and... oh... I don't know...

What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? WHY do I bother?

Do you get anything out of this?

Is it even worth it to continue?

These are the questions I am pondering....

5 comments:

songbyrd on the mountain said...

you are not alone.

I think it would make me crazy to not have at least ONE place where I could write whatever I needed to get off my chest and feel safe, but also validated to some degree. And it's not always possible to do that in a blog.... I have thought of starting another blog that remains private. I guess it would just be my journal/diary in a blog setting.

well, anyway, what I want to say is, I love your blog, I enjoy reading your writing, even though at times I want to wring that man's neck for what emotional games he's playing with you!!! I hope you stick with it but maybe just taking a break for a time will help you decide..... ((hugz))

Joyce said...

I've been feeling the same way about my blog. After 2 years, I just don't have a rythym and sometimes it feels like torture to have to write. You will find your answer. :-)

Jacki @ A Certain Type of Glow said...

Right now, I'm working on a totally anonymous side project because I'm in a big blog slump. That's always an option - something that really is just for you and could be a whole new "thing".

Here's why I don't comment much, though: it's not my place to tell you what to do with regard to your marriage, and if I start, I will go OFF on how ridiculous your husband's treatment of you is, and how sad it makes me that you seem to just accept it and take the tiny crumbs he occasionally offers as signs of hope. He has it MADE. It seems to me, and I think it seems to him, that he can go on treating you like you don't exist, without fearing that he'll be thrown out on his butt. I hope that you will decide you deserve better than that.

Tesha Vann said...

I've been blogging for almost 2.5 years and find its so cyclical. MOST bloggy friends are cyclical, posting seems cyclical etc.
I wouldn't give up on writing but perhaps for your professional protection you may wish to be anonymous. It will give you the freedom to be you again - I miss the open book Nicole. She' real!

Leanne said...

You have to do what you feel in your heart. Take a break . . . as long as you need. If it calls you back, then return. If it calls you to start something new, then do that.

I started reading you so many moons ago because of your honesty. I loved your writing, I learned about things and thought of subjects that I had never really considered before. I was interested in your life and your relationship (seriously). And then, after a while, I felt connected to you in a deeper friendship sort of way than just a blog follower. I am so grateful that our paths crossed, and owe it all to our blogs. It's good.

But I understand what you are feeling and the questions that you are asking of yourself right now. I can only offer the suggestion that you do what your heart tells you. Tell the stories your heart wants to tell, in the way that your heart wants to tell them.

For me, blogging has been an avenue for me to share my deepest thoughts, and it has helped me realize that I am not alone (during times when I have felt alot). It allowed me to be the person I have always dreamed of becoming. And I am so very grateful for it. I am thinking of you, my friend. Will try and call you tonight. Hugs.

YOUR AD HERE!

Interested in purchasing ad space? Your ad could be RIGHT HERE.
Email snicoleabdou@gmail.com for more details.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails