Life is full of wonderful choices- various paths, scenic detours and exhilarating bumps. Each day, I make a choice to either get moving or sit stagnant. My biggest challenge is to enjoy the journey.
Sometimes... I forget that part.
I did something I promised myself I would not do - let the negative in.
I could kick myself for that.
I guess the key is to show myself how resilient I am, because the truth of the matter is - I am.
I prayed last night. I prayed for a really, really long time. I cried. I just sat in silence. I needed that cleansing moment. That moment where I reach out into the infinite and ask for what I want or need. I prayed for the healing of hearts. I prayed for the healing of my own heart.
I often write of needing to "take care of me" and let me tell you, I have been doing a much better job in that respect. I am eating better, I am more conscious of my actions. I am listening more... etc. etc. I've always been good at treating myself and saying no when I am overwhelmed, but there are other areas I have fallen short on. One of those is to truly love myself. Be my own happy.
I made the stupid mistake of trusting. Yes, I know.. you are thinking, it's okay to trust and should be able to trust. Yes, I know this. But for whatever reason, I tend to allow "not so nice" people into my life. Like a moth to the flame, I get involved with people who may not have my best interests at heart. Independent souls that disguise themselves as a perfect match, with no intention of being that other piece that completes me. I let my guard down, I was vulnerable, and now I sit here with egg on my face. I don't like food on my face. ;-)
I am about to get 30 days solo. Training for the other half in another city. This will be good for him and equally good for me. I get to work on me and I hope he figures out, once and for all, what he wants. I choose happiness. Period.
I know... I given 500 million chances. Just so you know, nothing terrible is happening, it's just the way I am treated. Ignored. Disregarded. Nothing earth shattering like the big stuff that rocks a relationship.. just a complete disrespect for who I am. I deserve better than that. Every one of us do. No one deserves to be treated as if they don't matter or exist. Maybe it's cultural or maybe it is just the other person. Who knows... I give up trying to label it all.
So.. for the next 30 days, I will attempt to find my happy place. I will pray. I will exercise. I will eat right. I will organize (even more..) I will read. I will socialize.
It's been said that 30 days of any behavior or thought pattern will soon become habit. I hope to choose good habits, and good things will hopefully come my way.
The funny thing is - I choose my job. I choose this home. I choose the people I have let in, and I choose him. I have to leave it to the ultimate powers to see if he will choose the same.