At the end of each week, I take a moment and review my blog posts, looking for those little nuggets of truth and lessons learned. This week, as I read the seemingly innocent rants and raves, I knew what behind all of those posts. The lack lustre, the pokes, the short sentences - I was hiding what was really going on.
I still plan to do a "Things I Learned This Week" tomorrow, but instead I want to fess up to somethings. Some of this is extremely personal and private. For that reason, after I hit post, I will run over to my FB fan page and Twitter page and delete it from there. But for my blog readers, the ones who are writers and check their feeds, this one is for you. (I have to admit, it's therapeutic for me.)
1. Things are not going so great at home. They haven't for a while. I thought moving into our new apartment would make everything perfect. I made sure to get the required number of rooms, number of bathrooms.. etc. What has happened is heart breaking. He moved into the other room. He never makes eye contact. He rarely speaks to me. He deleted me from his social media sites and even removed the fact we are married. I have tried to discuss this with him, but unfortunately, he won't even communicate with me at all. He does not go anywhere - so it's not like he is in another relationship. There are nights I just cry myself to sleep. I know what I need to do - but the moment he says hi, or good morning, or asks me a question that might involve a future together, a little twinge of hope pops up. Then he shuts me out - cold as ice, again. No, I don't know what I have done.. and no, I have run out of ideas to fix it. I just had to tell you guys this, since you followed my journey for so long. I know I deleted a majority of my super personal posts, but I think I am in a good place to share this.
2. Work is going splendidly! I LOVE MY JOB. I love what I do, I love who we serve and it should be a time of celebration. Yes, I was offered a bump in salary and I could not be happier. Life is good in that department, which makes the other so heart breaking.
3. I spend a lot of time watching documentaries and reading books. That's what I do when I am at home. I get up, make breakfast, go to work. Come home (he is locked in his room,) I make dinner, and retire to my room to watch a movie, then I take a long bubble bath and read my book. I head back to bed.
4. I am working on making me better. I will continue to diet. I am finally in financial place to join a gym. I will volunteer for a few groups. I plan to re-register at my home church. I have started going out on the weekends again. Finding that quality support group. No, there is no talk of the crap going on at home, I just need to go out and feel normal. Not sit at home and feel alone.
5. I finally have inspiration for a book. Seriously. It took a while, but I think I have a basic story line forming in my head.
6. I want to get back my zest for travel. Planning for myself.. not worrying about someone else.
7. I need to establish residency. After I do so, I'll be able to make some sweeping changes (in six months,) if need be.
8. I am NOT interested in putting myself through any more hell. I tried. Dear God in heaven, I tried. Maybe I am just not cut out for relationships.
9. I need to just breathe.
10. I just need to know I will be okay.
PS - Let's not forget Whale-gate two Mondays ago. Sheesh...