There is a Zen proverb - " “Move and the way will open”
This evening, I remembered. That feeling. That lost feeling.
I felt a little tired, and decided to take a nap. I felt drawn to the bed in the sunroom. The sun shine so brightly, warmth radiating into the room onto my skin. I felt the cool breeze from the fan, and the softness from the pillow. I drifted off...
I saw a wall. A big white wall. I placed my hands on this wall and felt how cool it was. As I touched it, the wall moved. I pulled my hands back, surprised. Then tried it again. This time it dissolved. There stood the balcony I would stand on in Egypt. The smells, the sounds, it was all very familiar. I leaned over the balcony and looked to the right, where the sun would beat down in the late afternoon. The man who would sit with his son across the way waved. I heard the egyptian call me, "Nicole - where are you?" I turned around and there he was with a huge smile.
I woke up. Refreshed.
The question is such a profound one - "Nicole, where are you?"
Since his arrival, he has said I have changed.
I think - I have.
It's not all him.
The separation those years (painful time from November of 07 to May of 09 were painful. Something I never want to experience again. I was alone, in a new state, a handful of random friends, just survived two major health scares and a divorce. Loss of money, loss of the familiar, the death of two beloved pets and an undying love for a man so far away.
(For more on that journey - here are the transcripts (with dates) HERE.)
I think it changed me. I think the stress of my job (even though I love my job,) immigration, loneliness, lifestyle changes -everything. Transition... was hard on me. I was 32 when I came to Alabama.. now i am 38. Life is drastically different.
Somehow today, I forgive myself. Somehow this weekend I was able to have a little clarity.
I felt who I was. I see who I am. There is a lot of room for growth and I am open.