Sunday, April 3, 2011

There is a Zen proverb - "     “Move and the way will open”

This evening, I remembered. That feeling. That lost feeling.

I felt a little tired, and decided to take a nap. I felt drawn to the bed in the sunroom. The sun shine so brightly, warmth radiating into the room onto my skin. I felt the cool breeze from the fan, and the softness from the pillow. I drifted off...

I saw a wall. A big white wall. I placed my hands on this wall and felt how cool it was. As I touched it, the wall moved. I pulled my hands back, surprised. Then tried it again. This time it dissolved. There stood the balcony I would stand on in Egypt. The smells, the sounds, it was all very familiar. I leaned over the balcony and looked to the right, where the sun would beat down in the late afternoon. The man who would sit with his son across the way waved. I heard the egyptian call me, "Nicole - where are you?" I turned around and there he was with a huge smile.

I woke up. Refreshed.

The question is such a profound one - "Nicole, where are you?"

Since his arrival, he has said I have changed.

I think - I have.

It's not all him.

The separation those years (painful time from November of 07 to May of 09 were painful. Something I never want to experience again. I was alone, in a new state, a handful of random friends, just survived two major health scares and a divorce. Loss of money, loss of the familiar, the death of two beloved pets and an undying love for a man so far away.

(For more on that journey - here are the transcripts (with dates) HERE.)

I think it changed me. I think the stress of my job (even though I love my job,)  immigration, loneliness, lifestyle changes -everything. Transition... was hard on me. I was 32 when I came to Alabama.. now i am 38. Life is drastically different.

Somehow today, I forgive myself. Somehow this weekend I was able to have a little clarity.

I felt who I was. I see who I am. There is a lot of room for growth and I am open.

5 comments:

Peggy K said...

Wow!! What serenity I feel reading this post!! I hope you feel the same!

I believe that the adversity we face makes us stronger and when we are truly lucky, we also find more peace in our life.

I wish that for you!

Leanne said...

Wow . . . I'm right there with Peggy above. And I felt it, too, while reading the post.

There was a message in that, my friend (you know ... my dreams have been crazy this week ... but I think they are happening for both of us for a reason). I like the "I felt who I was. I see who I am." That's some great stuff there, dear. Hang on to that feeling. That is all good.

TV's Take said...

Love this! You are making your way through the dredge of life - you are on your way!

Classic NYer said...

::applauds::
and maybe someday soon i'll get to that point...

Cassandra said...

I wish I could forgive myself... *sigh*

I'm so glad you're doing alright, and things are getting better, or at least not getting worse.

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