Monday, May 17, 2010

Closet Romantic

The truth is, I am a closet romantic. It's true.

I have always believed in love. Always.

Sure, there were a few times I got a little cynical.

For example, my first marriage. The wedding was beautiful, romantic, perfect in every way. Traditional white dress, big cathedral, 5 tier cake, champagne, candle light, pearls and white roses... all the elements for romance were there. One thing was missing - the actual romance.

I did try on several occassions to make the best of it. My ex was never mean to me - just too much like a friend or brother. So, I did what I always do - I tucked my emotions away somewhere safe, where they would not surface.

I did that as a child, feeling the need to be loved and cared for. I learned quickly that love was not something people just gave away, at least not to me. So, I buried the need for those feelings and became quite cynical at a very young age.

See, my theory is, if you are not shown how to love, you begin to question whether love is real. I was not familiar with the "love terminology." I found words like "honey", "Baby", "darling" to be distastful.

If I chose to finally be vunerable and allow myself to think, even for one moment, that maybe someone really loved me, I would soon learn (it never took very long), that the person in question would soon change their mind. Without fail.

So I became a bit more cynical.

Now, I am deeply, truly, madly in love with my husband. I love that.
At the same time, it makes me soooo freaking vunerable and fragile. Two traits I frown upon.

When I met my signifigant other, roses were blooming, stars were colliding and all the planets were in alignment.

Honeymood phase was insanely strong.

Soon - reality sets in. Love is still there, but the growing pains are leaving scars. Getting to that "point" all couples try to reach is hard work.

Turns out, I am an extremely sensitive person. I am fragile. I need a sign that says, "Handle With Care."

Love is not a word I toss around freely.

On a woman who prides herself on her strong will and 'take no prisoners' attitude in other aspects of my life, I find I am not as strong in matters of the heart.

What makes you vulnerable?


Miel Abeille said...

In the past, I would throw around the word love very easily. Now, I'm a little more cautious. My vulnerability is questioning whether I will be able to feel genuine love when it comes along.

Very sweet post!

Leanne said...

Really liked this post - it's so true! I am not as strong and I appear. And when it comes to my art (painting, illustrations, murals, journals and writing), I am VERY vulnerable. I once painted a mural on my nephews bedroom wall. When finished, my brother-in-law joked and said, "Oh, it's ok. We can paint it over next week." It totally crushed me. I know he was joking, but it really crushed my spirit. Way too vulnerable. Thanks for the post, Nicole.

Christina Mathis said...

I just found this post... and the timing is pretty much perfect. I've recently met someone who could very well be "the one" for me, and I'm adjusting to the euphoria that comes from being in love and the reality that love never goes perfectly. Having been through a difficult and painful divorce, I'm very sensitive sometimes to the point of being paranoid. It's taken a lot of thought and less jumping to conclusions to make sure I don't scare him off by being insecure in love. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.


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