Sunday, September 19, 2010

The New Anti-Christ!

Guest Blogger: Leanne

**I doubt many of you need too much of an introduction for Leanne - I am a HUGE fan of her blog: From Chaos Comes Happiness. Her button is right down there on the right hand side - don't be afraid to click on it! She cracks me up and has truly become my favorite person in Chicago!

Ok, I'm going to post about an experience that is quite personal, but what the heck - I think I threw out the privacy factor when I posted last week about perimenopause - so why stop there, right? My subject for today is something that, maybe, a few more of you might understand. Well, maybe. . .

You see, today I am on the defense against . . . SPANX. Seriously. Spanx. I believe that Spanx is the anti-christ. I'm pretty sure of it. And I'm a little offended that someone suggested I try them. That someone? A sweet, full-figured sales person at my favorite Lane Bryant store. Ok - I've made some strong statements here . . . so I better start backing them up, don't you think?

So the other day I had an opportunity to stop at Lane Bryant (hereby affectionately referred to as LB). I have a gift card from my sister that I haven't used yet, and thought I would stop in and see if I could find anything I can wear for an upcoming business trip. I found a few pairs of pants to try on, and was pretty sure they would work (right? wrong). Anyway, #1 . . . had some potential, #2 . . . was bad, #3 . . . was actually pretty good. However, I wasn't completely happy with the lines on my bottom (hereby affectionately referred to as bootie.) That's when the sweet, full-figured sales person suggested I try the SPANX. Let me start by telling you - I'm not upset with her. She was a doll and was really helping me. However, what she DID was sic the Anti-Christ on my thighs. And that action requires a little mentioning.

First of all - what is SPANX? Well . . . it's a GIRDLE!!!! Why have we given something a trendy modern name when it is just a plain ol'fashioned GIRDLE!?!?! Yes, I know SPANX are much lighter than the girdles of, say, my grandma's day and age. However . . . getting the Spanx up and over the bootie was, let's just say, a WILD CIRCUS ACT that surely would have gotten 1million+ hits on You Tube, if I had a camera with me. (Darn, why didn't I think of that? I could have made $1million off of America's Funniest Home videos! Wait - that means my bootie would have been seen by people all over the world. Ah, well.) Anyway, after much pulling, pushing, shoving, grunting, squatting, stretching and sweating . . . the spanx were on. And how did they look? Well, without the pants, I looked like a freshly stuffed polish sausage link. With the pants . . . I looked . . . pretty darn good. So I took the dressing room runway walk, up and down, and checked out my bootie from all angles. Yes, pretty good. I could live with this. That is . . . until I remembered something.

You see, I know that at some point when wearing said pants and spanx, I will have to use the ladies room. That's just a normal thing, right? Now, let's just imagine that it is the restroom ON AN AIRPLANE. Let's just IMAGINE that for a brief moment, why don't we? (But don't imagine it TOO long, because the thought is quite disturbing!) But could you, for a brief moment, picture my bootie and I pulling, pushing, shoving, grunting, squatting, stretching and sweating in an actual AIRPLANE restroom? HELL NO!

So, I did what any intelligent woman would do. I gladly handed my sweet, full-figure LB girl the opened SPANX and said, "No thank you!" and bought #1 - the some potential one. Taking a second look at #1 now, and I have to tell you, they look pretty darn good! Photo of spanx courtesy of


wordygirl said...

I once bought some for a xmas party, I loved how I looked while wearing them, but the next day I gave them to Goodwill. They are evil! I stopped having cocktails out of fear of another trip to the bathroom! I pulled them off in the car during the ride home, I wanted to throw them out the window.

Anonymous said...

Loved it! When I was 12 (in 1968) my mother bought me a girdle since I was old enough for hose. I probably weighed 80 pounds soaking wet and was given the message I should wear a girdle.

We all need to tone up a bit, but even spanx isn't going to help my 4 kid tummy stay tucked, so to heck with it!

I'll settle for pretty darn good. I've had my time looking great--before kids.


Robin said...

I was in a play a while back and the costume was... shall we say... provactive? Anyway, by the time we got closer to the actual show, I had gained a few pounds and I needed the...wait for it... Spanx. Since I was only in it for a few hours, I made sure I used the restroom before I put them on and I could make it for a couple of hours. Thanks to Spanx I could boast a beautiful line during that show, but I haven't worn them since! And I have lost those extra pounds. However, I am afraid to toss the Spanx, because you just don't know! Thanks for the post, because I needed a laugh and I remember doing that little dance myself!!!

Ruby@Ruby'sMusings said...

Guess I am the odd ball here. I love mine, and have no issues with them. That is not to say I think they are comfortable or easy, GHADS NO! Just that for certain outfits and events, well I am willing to deal with I said the odd ball one here...or just a tiny bit vain at times LOL

Bossy Betty said...

So funny!!! I remember my older sisters working, working , working themselves into girdles! It was quite a feat!

No more Spanx! In fact, thanks to you, Leanne, I am swearing off all underwear completely!


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