Tuesday, April 2, 2013

What Next?

Today was a good day. The first one where the anxiety had passed.
Work went very well and I worked really hard to tie up loose ends for our festival. I ate healthy, I had good conversation, I marked off tons of "to-do" things on my list and I set a lot of major items in motion.

It was a good day.

I went several hours not feeling sorry for myself, which is a really big deal. Though I may seem fine, I am far from it. I am devastated.

I woke up this morning and just decided to pull it together. It worked.

I got home, and in HE walks. I went to cook my dinner and asked him where something was. Of course he sat at the table, never made eye contact and would not answer me.

I finally just snapped and asked when was he leaving, since that was what he wanted.. that we needed to discuss the changes and the "what next." He just sat there, eating his food, then he got up and went into "his" bedroom and locked the door. 

Seriously.

I told a friend of mine that I felt like my relationship/marriage was in hospice. We know it's going to die, and I've given it everything I could to soften the pain and have tried to medicate it and have even prayed for numerous miracles... but it's dead. The patient (HIM,) refuses to take his medicine, so I sit and watch.. and wait.

What happens next? Do I come home and his stuff will be gone? Will he simply mail me the divorce papers? Will he leave me the furniture he promised he would? 

I just want answers. 

I hate to be crass.. but I want to use that old southern term.. It's time for him to shit or get off the pot. Sorry.. I know.. I know...

For me - If you WANT to stay, then commit. Let's get counseling. Let's work through it. 
If you want to go.. then go. Just don't keep this up. This is painful. Seeing him everyday is not helping me close this chapter of my life. It hurts sooo much. 

I don't know if I will ever trust or even be able to open myself up to anyone again. I find for the first time in my life that I am being quite tight lipped with my friends about how I really feel. I'm telling everyone, "I'm fine." "It'll be fine." Blah blah blah. And I know it will..

But that does not fix any of this.. nor does it fix me. I've lost something. A piece of me has died. 
I'm not sure if I will ever get it back. I've survived soooo much. Life has tested me. But this.. this sense of security and hope.. well..

It's gone.

Again.

I'm done with it all. Done with relationships. Done with trust. Done with it all..

For now... 

Blech.

What next?

5 comments:

A Frugal Mom's Financial Expressions said...

I am not a relationship counselor - but it sounds to me like you are going through the stages of grief.

Savvy WorkingGal said...

Can you tell him this?

Leanne said...

Ok, dear . . . tough love here. I'm wondering - is he on the lease? if not, you have the locks changed, and kindly remove his items from YOUR home. I'm sorry. I'm hurt for you. I'm angry at him. (So very angry). I don't care who he is, or who you are . . . you do NOT treat people the way he is treating you. YOU change the locks. YOU file the papers. YOU MOVE ON. And YOU WILL. You WILL find love. Because love is in your heart, Nicole. You WILL find someone who will honor and cherish you, exactly for who you are. So help him take the next step. Because you deserve to be loved.

SharleneT said...

What Leanne said. This is a macho game, now, and he's already said it's over - he wants out. Well, fine, let him out and let him deal with it someplace away from you. You don't need to be treated this way, at all. And, unless he actually paid for any of your furniture, it's yours, he doesn't get to choose. YOU start making demands and, yes, change those locks. You deserve someone who can appreciate you and your wonderful qualities, and they will find you. Hugs. Now, call the locksmith.

Robyn Burke said...

Amen Leanne!!! what she said. Seriously Nicole, I hurt with you and am angry with the way he has/is treating you. You will survive. I know this because you are a survivor but oh how it hurts while we are struggling through it. hugs.

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