I got my answer today.
I debated saying anything.. writing anything.. but it keeps boiling up to the surface.
I finally know when he plans to leave... and it's soon.
He wants to do all of this peacefully.
One part of me is happy to finally have some sort of closure. I get excited about some of the freedoms I can reintroduce into my life - like pets and other things... I get excited about POSSIBILITY for genuine smiles again. I am hopeful. This affords me the opportunity to let him leave peacefully.
The other part of me is desperate. Desperate to make him stay. Beg him not to leave... make him promise me we will work through this... if only he would get on board. I want to scream and kick and call him names. I want to point out all of the wrong he brought into this marriage.
But I've done that....
And it only caused pain.
So now I need to begin the process of healing. I've grieved. I've felt defeat. I tried sooo.. soooo... soooo hard.
I screwed up. I asked for forgiveness. I begged God to heal the relationship and I have begged God to send him away.
There is nothing left to do but pray for strength.
There is a whole new chapter to write. But closure must come first. My heart is broken beyond all measure. I'm not sure how long it will take me to recover from what has transpired. I'm at a different place in my life now. I don't have that young 20-something year old body. I am more set in my ways. I have been burned one too many times.
I'm not sure how this story will end. But that's the point. It is my job to go on the journey.. experience it all... and not worry so much about this unknown destination.