If I had a choice this weekend, I probably would have crawled under my sheets and just slept. Slept it all away, until my mind had time to process and heal.
Instead, God had other plans.
My niece and sister came over Thursday night for dinner, that's the night after Yasser left. (Yes, the egyptian's name was Yasser.)
My niece looked up at me and said, "I'm going to spend the weekend with you, Auntie Cole."
A few times I thought about cancelling on Friday. But I finally decided, this is what I needed to do. I did the final test and called my parent's house and asked if Autumn was still planning on coming over this weekend, and my mother informed me that, Yes, she was on her way.
We sort of lay low on Friday night. Watched movies, played games, we were just silly. I went to bed sad.. though I covered it up really well. Saturday was TOUGH. Here I had this happy little 7 year old, and I had to be in a good mood. I was honest about how I was feeling with her, and I tried really hard. I ended up taking 3 naps on that day. THREE naps. I think it was my body's way of healing.
I am trying really hard to be honest with myself. To be honest with people reading this. To just be honest. It's all about being self aware, and perhaps my journey will bring some peace to someone else. I realize I am not the only one experiencing heart break today. I also realize this may not be the last time for me. But I am going through it.
My dear readers, you've followed my journey for the past 4 years. I began this blog about 3 months after Yasser arrived in the states. You know how hard I fought, you know the entire journey. Though I deleted most of the more painful posts over the years, if you have been here - you know.
I was talking with one of my best friends, Telisa, a few days ago on the phone. I was explaining to her how the things that people are saying to me are really hateful and hurtful. Not so much toward me, but about the whole relationship. She said something that I am so grateful for, because she knew Yasser and all about us before anyone else did. She said, "Nicole, I don't think we'll ever really know why things turned out the way they did." And people, that's the truth. Things weren't always bad, but they definitely have not been good over the past 2 years or so.
I got a little scared last night when I began to think about dating. No, I'm not looking to date, but it hit me that I am single. AND 40. Eek. If you look around the city I live in, let's just say the pickings are slim. So I guess I have to learn to be with me. Be in love with me. You know?
It's just a terrifying time for me. I feel like I am starting a new school, or have moved to a new town. Just the great unknown stands before me. I have a LOT to learn to accept. I have got to learn to let go of the "what if." I have to be strong for myself.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. Thanks for the emails. Thanks for the texts, the comments, and the phone calls. This too shall pass. Honestly. But now that the house is empty.. it's a little harder. It will take time. I am probably the most resilient person I know. ;-)