Monday, November 19, 2012

Stages of Change

 My initial reaction is to not post this. I know it will make me uncomfortable, it will seem like I am whining, and it most definitely might get deleted before the sun rises.

But the truth is...

I have to make some serious decisions.

I guess I already have. I just am paralyzed with fear of the unknown.


I know it's the right thing to do, but at the same time.. it is NOT the thing to do.

The fact that I am being so open about it bothers me also. I suppose I am just trying to process it all.
But here's what happened:
My five year wedding anniversary was Saturday. On Friday night, I debated getting the egyptian a gift. He has resorted back to completely ignoring me, and to be honest, I am not sure what I did to deserve this treatment. Needless to say, I wanted to at least get a card that expressed how much I still loved him. Luckily, I found the perfect card and while he was out with friends (Friday night,) I lay the card on his laptop, knowing he would see it when he came in.

The next morning (our actual anniversary,) he left early for work. My niece was here and was in the bathroom I use, so I decided to go use my husband's bathroom. When I walked in, I noticed the card I gave him in the trashcan. Unopened.

Of course, my heart sunk to my stomach and I called him asking him why he threw it away. Usually he never even bothers to take my calls, but this time he did. He told me he thinks he accidentally threw it away when he was cleaning his room.

No.. I don't buy it.

When he came in that night, I said "Happy Anniversary," and all I got in return was... well.. nothing. He walked right past me, got dressed and went back out with friends.

Something snapped inside of me. I knew I had made excuses long enough. I have put up with being ignored, being mistreated, and let's be honest.. I got dealt a fairly shitty hand in this relationship. I knew enough was enough.

But I'm paralyzed.

Maybe it's the "I told you SOs" that I am dreading the most. Those will come from the friends that thought maybe he was using me to get into the country. (Yes, we met in Egypt.) Maybe it's the skepticism that my parents and sister openly hold about our entire relationship. Maybe it's the laughter from my ex. Maybe it's the public humiliation of going through a divorce. Maybe it's the financial hole I will find myself in again by hiring an attorney and dealing with it all. Maybe it's the shame in the Catholic church being not just divorced, but divorced twice.

Whatever it is...

It breaks my heart.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. I know what this situation looks like on the outside. I know what he and I have gone through on the inside. I also know that these decisions cannot be made lightly.
What I do know is that I love myself. I also love him. But I am the only one doing the loving.
What happened this weekend was a slap in my face. He's done a lot of really shitty things, and I have forgiven him time after time. But disregarding the significance of our marriage was the icing on the cake.
I'm not a fool. I have just spent the last 3 of the five years fighting for something that is entirely one sided.
I feel like I should not have to hide what is going on anymore. The truth is - if it ends, at least people will understand, and it will not be so sudden. Hell, half of the people in Macon have never even seen the two of us together at the same time - so what does it matter?
I'm hurt. I really am. I wanted so badly for this to be the one. I really did fall madly in love with him and I really do still love him....
I just can't continue to live this way.
Again... I doubt this post will stay up for very long.
But it is what it is. :-(
Good night...


Jacki said...

From what you've shared, he seems to go through stages. Winning you back, and taking you for granted. Now, it's possible to go through a whole life like this. But do you want to? I hear you saying that you don't. It has got to be heartbreaking.

Once, I loved someone who did not and could not love me back. We weren't married, so it's not quite the same, but the pain of clinging to someone who was constantly showing and telling me that he would never be the partner I wanted was excruciating. It was also excruciating to end it, but soon, I felt relief and hope. No one could accuse you of giving up on this marriage too easily, because you have clearly tried hard enough for the both of you. Except that it doesn't work that way. Your efforts can't cover him if he's not making them. So I would only say ... just remember what you deserve, what you need in a partner, and how your current relationship compares to that, when making decisions. I'm sorry that you have to make them, I know it's not what you wanted. Thinking of you always.

Sharmaine said...

Hi there,
I just found you today while doing a search for reclaiming your home, but the google prompt gave me reclaming yourself and yours was the very first post...reclaiming yourself. I'm not sure if that was the first post or not, but your destination was unknown and you were making peace with that. Then I tried to find the most recent posts and read this one because it dealt with change.

I don't know your story; I will read more of your blog to find out, but I do encourage you to reread that post and much of what you've written. It's helpful to look back on what we've written from the lens of today. I find that helpful in my own life. On that page there is also a little frame that says, "If you are here, you are awesome." I wrote that down. I give those wonderful words back to you right now as you walk through this heart rending decision you will ultimately have to make. I know it's hard...but...remember the woman who wrote those words. Remember who you were and who you are when stripped down to your very essence or your are STILL ENOUGH, still powerful, still loved and worthy. Remember to love yourself equally as much as him.

Matters of the heart are so hard on us. Stay or go. Work through it or move on. Self regard and respect or fighting for your marriage. My heart goes out to you and I hope you know that you are not alone. I will share that sometimes we grieve over the loss of what we thought we had, moreso than what we had. Other times, we know in our heart what we have to do and we have the courage to do it, but we know it means starting from scratch again. There will be consequences either way, choose wisely.

To thine own self be true, then you can not be false to anyone. Follow your heart here and don't worry about the fallout, what will be said, how it will be perceived or anything. You have a life that can be can make it however you choose to make it. Whichever way you choose, forebearing through it or starting over, will require something more of you. But you have that. It's in reserve for such a time as this.
Stand tall, head up, shoulders squared back. A phenomenal woman has walked the earth and that phenomenal woman is YOU! Never forget that! Love and blessings.

Janet7 said...

Forgive me if you have done this innumerable times already - but have you ever directly confronted him about why he is so angry and why he mistreats you? Meaning, asking "What the hell is going on here?" - a lot of women are afraid to directly confront because they are afraid of what the answer might be, and they don't want to "rock the boat" - I think if you can get him to talk, even if he says things in anger, you'll get more of a picture of what is going on with him -

I understand about the fear of being in financial difficulty again (because of hiring a lawyer), but as far as what other people will say or think - you absolutely can't let fear of what they will say or think be an obstacle to what you feel you should do -

I'm Catholic also, and I understand about divorce and the church. Maybe you could speak to a priest whom you trust about what is going on? I have had a few conversations with priests about dilemmas I found myself in, and they were very helpful. (But it has to be the right priest!)

Also, if you do decide to separate, it sounds like you may have grounds for an annulment - which may take some of the religious guilt out of what is already an enormously painful situation -

I am truly sorry that you are going through such a hard time -


Janet7 said...

Sorry to add on to this - it just occurred to me that you may not have married the Egyptian in a Catholic ceremony - in which case, annulment would not apply -


Hoosier Chick said...

My mother was married to my father for 23 years--23 YEARS!! She tried therapy, counselling, workshops tough love, but in the end it was divorce--in the Catholic church. She freaked out for months at having to do it alone, but a year later she told me this "whatever it is in your life, trying to make something fit at the sake of your happiness, your sanity, hell your freedom, is worse than living with fear. Fear goes away." Love you no matter what!


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