But the truth is...
I have to make some serious decisions.
I guess I already have. I just am paralyzed with fear of the unknown.
I know it's the right thing to do, but at the same time.. it is NOT the thing to do.
The fact that I am being so open about it bothers me also. I suppose I am just trying to process it all.
But here's what happened:
My five year wedding anniversary was Saturday. On Friday night, I debated getting the egyptian a gift. He has resorted back to completely ignoring me, and to be honest, I am not sure what I did to deserve this treatment. Needless to say, I wanted to at least get a card that expressed how much I still loved him. Luckily, I found the perfect card and while he was out with friends (Friday night,) I lay the card on his laptop, knowing he would see it when he came in.
The next morning (our actual anniversary,) he left early for work. My niece was here and was in the bathroom I use, so I decided to go use my husband's bathroom. When I walked in, I noticed the card I gave him in the trashcan. Unopened.
Of course, my heart sunk to my stomach and I called him asking him why he threw it away. Usually he never even bothers to take my calls, but this time he did. He told me he thinks he accidentally threw it away when he was cleaning his room.
No.. I don't buy it.
When he came in that night, I said "Happy Anniversary," and all I got in return was... well.. nothing. He walked right past me, got dressed and went back out with friends.
Something snapped inside of me. I knew I had made excuses long enough. I have put up with being ignored, being mistreated, and let's be honest.. I got dealt a fairly shitty hand in this relationship. I knew enough was enough.
But I'm paralyzed.
Maybe it's the "I told you SOs" that I am dreading the most. Those will come from the friends that thought maybe he was using me to get into the country. (Yes, we met in Egypt.) Maybe it's the skepticism that my parents and sister openly hold about our entire relationship. Maybe it's the laughter from my ex. Maybe it's the public humiliation of going through a divorce. Maybe it's the financial hole I will find myself in again by hiring an attorney and dealing with it all. Maybe it's the shame in the Catholic church being not just divorced, but divorced twice.
Whatever it is...
It breaks my heart.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. I know what this situation looks like on the outside. I know what he and I have gone through on the inside. I also know that these decisions cannot be made lightly.
What I do know is that I love myself. I also love him. But I am the only one doing the loving.
What happened this weekend was a slap in my face. He's done a lot of really shitty things, and I have forgiven him time after time. But disregarding the significance of our marriage was the icing on the cake.
I'm not a fool. I have just spent the last 3 of the five years fighting for something that is entirely one sided.
I feel like I should not have to hide what is going on anymore. The truth is - if it ends, at least people will understand, and it will not be so sudden. Hell, half of the people in Macon have never even seen the two of us together at the same time - so what does it matter?
I'm hurt. I really am. I wanted so badly for this to be the one. I really did fall madly in love with him and I really do still love him....
I just can't continue to live this way.
Again... I doubt this post will stay up for very long.
But it is what it is. :-(