Sunday, July 15, 2012

Adjusting to the re-adjustment

It hit me today.. like someone punched me in the stomach, knocking the air out of me.

I finally realized.... the struggle.. for the most part.. it's all over.

Most of it.

What I mean is, I have gone through so many 'life changing' moments in the past year, that my body is actually feeling it.

It started last week with the headaches. Then I got to the point I could barely breathe. I can't sleep but I am exhausted.. you know the symptoms, right?

In twelve months (exactly,) I have gone from one home, one way of living, one job, a certain, fantastic set of friends - to it all being ripped away.. then I stood in horror as everything slowly crumbled. I lost my home. I lost all my money. I watched as my relationship began to crumble under all of the pressure. I could not think. I could not cry. I could not function.

I moved home - somewhere I never saw myself returning. I sent out resume after resume, and was dealt rejection after rejection. My husband moved to the west coast, as I slept on a pull out couch for nine months. I watched as my family and fair weather friends sort of tsk tsked my failure. I tried, I tried sooo hard.

Then I saw a door. I knocked, it opened. It felt right. I got back into my game - gang busters style. I have worked so hard for three months, trying to prove to everyone just how good I am at my job. Sometimes I want to just take it to a whole other level, just to prove to the naysayers that "Yes, I can rise to the top." My husband returned, but by now, there was over nine months of stress and separation and so much to heal.. almost too much. Three months after getting a new job, and one year from losing everything, and two weeks from finally getting back on my feet and living in my own home... I feel it.

You would think the stress would have just rolled off my shoulders. But instead, the residual effects of stress and let's be honest (I was a bit traumatized by the whole ordeal) is just working its way out of my pores, kind of like toxins....

One of my biggest fears in my life happened  - I lost it all and had to depend on someone else, and just like I imagined, it was completely uncomfortable and certain people said things they never should have said. (It's always the ones you love the most that hurt you the most.) I feel like all of that is just coming out.. all of those emotions.. all of those months I tried to be as strong as I could....

Now I am trying to breathe again.

I am not sure why my body does that. Why does my body decide to break down after the shi$t hits the fan? Maybe that's a good sign.. it means it is almost all over. Almost.

I love my new home. I am so grateful. I love my new job. I am beyond grateful. I'm in a good place in two out of the three areas I need to work on. Now to heal one of the most important aspects of life. It's going to be a long road. With God's blessing.. it will all happen.

4 comments:

Laura Rowe [twirl] said...

Maybe you're just feeling it as it LEAVES your body :).
I know it has been a hard year for you, but does it help knowing that from the outside looking in, it has been a testament to the Lord's provision? You're back on your feet my friend!

songbyrd on the mountain said...

"I lost it all and had to depend on someone else" I think that is a powerfully telling statement that most of us can relate to Nicole. Yet, this is the exact moment God yearns for. For in our weakness we become strong as we turn to Him to meet our needs. It isn't easy, we fight with all we have to remain independent yet everything we really need is found when we surrender it all and let Him have control. Bless you Nicole, in this struggle; may God bring you healing and peace. <3 hang in there... or not... let go and fall into the arms of Strength and Peace!

Tesha Vann said...

You've come a long way! Time to take care of your body that has protected you from completely falling apart.

Leanne said...

I think this is exactly what happens to us . . . When we are in the middle of all of it, we a running on adrenaline and don't allow the feelings to hit us. Then, after the trauma (and I would say this was all a tad traumatic for you, don't you think?;) now your body will react. I go through the same exact thing. Sometimes mine hits me like a brick, with dry heaves (sorry) and aches and everything, just my body handling the stress. Hang in there, honey. I am so proud of you, and am so glad that time is over for you. I'm here if you need to talk.

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