Thursday, January 31, 2013

Mixed Emotions and Celebrations


I'm feeling a bit "off." I am fairly certain it is due to so much stimuli and "great" news. Perhaps that statement makes absolutely no sense. Here's the deal - I process things very slowly.

Typically my emotions catch up to the actual events well after the fact. I am fairly certain it is because when I grew up, my mother would often say, "Stop crying. You need to grow up." As it turns out, I grew up believing that crying was a sign of weakness and you HAD to toughen up. I learned very early on not to show my true emotions, and found ways to just - BREATHE. The positives with this technique meant I rarely "got my feelings hurt." I developed a very thick skin. The negatives? I ended up with good-old-fashioned panic disorder, which means my body decides to release the "fight or flight" response at the most inopportune times. I've learned to deal with it (sans meds) and I just push through it - like everything else in my life.

Which brings me to the news of the day - The husband; he is no longer "the egyptian." Nope. He is now, "the american." That's right! He received word that he is now an American Citizen (or he has been approved.. or whatever. The process is never that simple.) I am not sure what is next, but in his words, "I got my citizenship." That's great. That's what he wanted. That's what I wanted. That's what the American government prefers. But what does that mean for us?

If you followed my story for a long time, you know the naysayers love to leave comments on my blog. Typically, anytime I wrote about a falling out or disagreement, these individuals would say, "He's only using you for his citizenship." Of course, that's a terrible thing to say to anyone. But needless to say, it has been said and said numerous times.

Of course my stomach dropped when I found out he got it.
Of course the doubts and negative comments crept it.
Of course I just went on about my day.

Then I sat for a moment.. and I began to process.

What does this mean? Do we move forward? Does the bottom drop out? Will we feel like we are on a level playing field since I am no longer "legally" needed? Will we heal and feel that sense of pride? Or will I have to bury my head in the sand and listen to, "I told you so."

That's the hardest part about marrying an immigrant- the "I told you so."

The age difference (he's 8 years younger.) The cultural differences (muslim and christian.) The on-going issues with differences in norms. It's a hot bed for "I told you so."

I feel that anxiety creeping up.

I have to let it go. I've come so far and I have experienced a phenomenal week.

This is a time of celebration.

But why do I feel numb?

2 comments:

Leslie Limon said...

First of all, congratulations to you and the Egyptian! It's a long and exhausting road, and I am very happy to see that all you two have struggled for is finally coming to fruition.

I know exactly how you are feeling. It's an exciting time, because you know what a long journey it has taken to get to this point. How much you've had to fight for it. And how much you've had to sacrifice to get to this point. And I also understand how the voice of the naysayers can creep under your skin, causing you to doubt what you know as fact. As someone who has been there, done that. Ignore the naysayers. You know the real reasons why you and the Egyptian/new American citizen got married, and that's all that matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks! And don't waste your precious time trying to convince those naysayers otherwise. And if, God forbid, you and the Egyptian do one day decide to go your separate ways, then so be it. People get divorced every day, with or without citizenship papers involved. Haters are always gonna hate. Just don't let them get under your skin.

Jacki said...

Congratulations to your husband! My brother-in-law is in the process of obtaining his citizenship (he is from Canada, and will retain dual citizenship) and finally got his permanent green card after his marriage to my sister was deemed legit! What a process it is.

Whatever happens with your marriage, is what happens. If you two have a long and happy life together that is wonderful. If it doesn't work out I don't think that's because of his citizenship. You have always been very candid online about your marriage, and that probably leads a lot of people who read your blog to form opinions which may or may not be accurate. Ultimately our opinions aren't the be-all, end-all - the marriage is between you two ... not the rest of us :) So anyway, all the best to you both, and congratulations again to him!

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