Sure, everyone keeps telling me that this is for the best. I get that. I know in time it will all make sense.
But for the first time, in a long time, fear has crept in. I went to bed, okay.
I woke up with a heavy heart, sadness enveloping me, and a huge rock in my stomach.
I. DON'T. WANT. THIS.
I want what used to be. I know, it's silly to even think that way. But I miss the old him. I miss the way things were. That's what has kept me here for so long.
He said to me yesterday, once we sign the papers, he does not want to see me ever again. In this life or the next.
That was pretty harsh.
Am I that unlovable? Am I that terrible of a person? What in the world did I ever do to deserve that type of hatred?
We never talk. So.. it can't be something I said.
We don't go anywhere together... so it can't be something I did.
Here it is, 7amish and tears are falling.
How am I supposed to go and live?
I'm just sad this morning. Just incredibly sad. I suppose I held it together so hard yesterday, and never cried last night.. that it has just built up.
I got an email from my brother in law, and I guess it sort of solidified what I thought. He said he tried talking to him, but (and I won't call him the egyptian anymore,) Yasser told him he 100% wants out. If Tamer (my brother in law) believes it, it's done.
Now what do I do? Sit and wait for my world to come crashing down. How in the hell will I ever open up to anyone ever again? Will I just grow old and become the crazy cat lady?
It's Good Friday, btw. Though I know Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for our sins. It's hard to be positive on such a day. My Easter weekends will forever be tainted. :-(