Friday, March 29, 2013

With a Heavy Heart

Sure, everyone keeps telling me that this is for the best. I get that. I know in time it will all make sense.

But for the first time, in a long time, fear has crept in. I went to bed, okay.
I woke up with a heavy heart, sadness enveloping me, and a huge rock in my stomach.

I. DON'T. WANT. THIS.

I want what used to be. I know, it's silly to even think that way. But I miss the old him. I miss the way things were. That's what has kept me here for so long.

He said to me yesterday, once we sign the papers, he does not want to see me ever again. In this life or the next.

That was pretty harsh.

Am I that unlovable? Am I that terrible of a person? What in the world did I ever do to deserve that type of hatred?

We never talk. So.. it can't be something I said.
We don't go anywhere together... so it can't be something I did.

Here it is, 7amish and tears are falling.

How am I supposed to go and live?

I'm just sad this morning. Just incredibly sad. I suppose I held it together so hard yesterday, and never cried last night.. that it has just built up.

I got an email from my brother in law, and I guess it sort of solidified what I thought. He said he tried talking to him, but (and I won't call him the egyptian anymore,) Yasser told him he 100% wants out. If Tamer (my brother in law) believes it, it's done.

Now what do I do? Sit and wait for my world to come crashing down. How in the hell will I ever open up to anyone ever again? Will I just grow old and become the crazy cat lady?

Oh man.

It's Good Friday, btw. Though I know Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for our sins. It's hard to be positive on such a day. My Easter weekends will forever be tainted. :-(

9 comments:

Kristine said...

Beautiful Nicole,
I am so saddened to read your news(the death of your dreams),,im so sorry..
Your friends and family will see you through. We all have witnessed You living so fully with so much energy for 2.
Good Friday..yes, almost seems fitting. I too am always heavy-hearted on Good Friday as I reflect on the events of this day. (sometimes going through the Stations) but remember the Good News..Our Lord rose again in Glory on the 3rd day...and So Will You..maybe not in Glory or the 3rd day.., but you will rise..and you will rejoice again..you see, it was your dream that died..not the beautiful, energetic, lively girl behind it.
Xo(((hug)))

Tesha Vann said...

Nicole I'm so sorry to read this but found the previous post comforting. You will love again and you will live again.
You've made it through a tough tough year and now there is more to overcome but something tells me you'll get through it. Hang in there.

Celia M. High Heeled Life said...

Dearest Nicole, Life may seem like it's coming to and end ... but instead it's really just beginning. For wonderful things and people to come int our life ... the negative and heavy that holds us from spreading our wings needs to be released.

What you are feeling is sadness brought on by the unknown of what tomorrow will bring. That "ego" is trying to keep you from flourishing ... don't let it .. You are smart, and stronger than you may realize ~

You are blessed with the opportunity to create the life you want, bring your dreams to life! Soar like the wonderful soul you are.

I know it is scary - new beginnings - but I can't wait to read all about your fabulous new adventures, TRUST , Believe and they will happen.. Hugs to you, C. (HHL)

Empty Nester said...

You have stages to go through with this. And it won't be easy or fun. It will, however, be a learning experience and you will benefit from it. Let your friends and family in to help. Lean on those who are willing to be there. It takes time. And a lot of it.

Bill, Misty, Will, and Laura Ann said...

...for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5b-6. ESV

I have never experienced what you are experiencing. I can only imagine the pain. When humans let me down (we all let each other down from time to time, no matter how kind of a person we are), I hold on to this verse. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe on Him and only Him for my salvation, so I am His and He will never leave me! These can be times of the sweetest communion with our Lord. I am so sorry for your pain. I am praying for you. You are a beautiful talented woman with much to give. I pray that you are comforted and will soon see some light through the many tears that you must be shedding.
Blessings,
Misty

scrapwordsmom said...

NIcole...I am so sorry for this. Someday I know you will find that someone who is meant just for you!! I read your blog everyday while you were going through your unemployment...and girl...you are STRONG!!!!! You WILL get through this!! Much love,
Leslie

Stephanie Ruby Feldman said...

Darling Lady,
I can feel your pain. Truly. I can not top all the wonderful words and virtual hugs everyone has sent you. But know that I too am here to support you and cheer you on. So many of your words express what my daughter has said after her husband took his life a month ago... she wondered what she did? Was she not worth living for? Etc. I know death is not the same as divorce, but it is a death of a relationship and often is mourned in the same way... and as I told my daughter it is a slow process and one that has many stages to it, but that one day she will wake up and realize she has moved on and has built a new life without him in it... and I know you are going to do the very same thing.... baby steps. For now, let the tears fall, it is a healthy thing to do so.... and one day those tears will be of happiness and not sorrow!

Tere said...

Nicole, catching up on your blog and am sad to read what's happened. Having been there, here is what I can offer:

1. It's NOT that you are unlovable - whatever negative feelings he has toward you are really a reflection of negative feelings he has for himself. People who have issues and unresolved shit and are in denial about it (including and especially guilt!) deal with it by vilifying those who are closest/kindest to them. When the nights are long and painful, remember this: this is about HIS shit, not you.

2. Think of all you've overcome and accomplished in your life, and then tell yourself, "so I will be able to get past this, too." And you will. What seems so huge and permanent now will change into something manageable from which you will learn and grow.

3. Write. If writing is catharsis for you, then write. You know I wrote my divorce out, and that helped me tremendously. I would urge you to keep it clean, but as honest as you need to be for your own healing.

Sending my best...

Heather Callahan said...

"Easter reminds us that hope must never be lost for as dark as the road may seem, there always lies light at the end of it. May all your prayers be fulfilled." ~ Anonymous

Have a HAPPY Easter!

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