Friday, February 7, 2014

But The Heart Remembers

First of all, I don't think the heart remembers anything, but we like to use the "heart" as the love symbol.. the emotion symbol... so with that, the title is a bit off for me.

But my brain, the emotional side, yeah it remembers.

It is incredible how we are conditioned to just "forget about," "move on," and "this too will pass," our way through our days. We are to operate like nothing ever happened, as if those moments were not what was "supposed to happen." That maybe.. just maybe... what IS real and legitimate and tangible is what is right in front of you.

I don't buy it.

Today, as I was watching the morning news, I caught the blurb about it being National Red Wear Day, a cause initiated by the American Heart Association. A nonprofit that was so near and dear to my heart (yes.. I said heart.) Well, at least it was.. up until I was let go after years of exhaustive service. Once that happened, I did not ever want to look at the color red, a heart, or hear about cardiovascular disease ever again. 

Then last night, as I was talking on the phone to my ex, (yes we still talk, and believe it or not, are better friends than we were husband and wife,) I wanted so bad to shut down and pretend that everything we went through never happened - that I could keep up this charade of being "okay" with the divorce and all that goes with that.

Man.. I am really, really good at pretending nothing is wrong. 

I can laugh it off or even brush something off like it is just a part of my story or past experience. 

But why?

Why is that socially required? Note I did not say, socially acceptable. 

The truth it - I was hurt like hell when I lost my job. I worked extremely hard for that company and then entered a nine month black hole called unemployment, was uprooted from my life, and nearly lost everything. It also hurt like hell when my husband, the absolute EPIC love of my life chose to not only walk away, but choose another. I've done remarkably well, and I have laughed and I have made everyone else feel comfortable around me concerning my incredible loss.

But the truth is... I remember every detail of everything with all of it. Why should I pretend these events did not happen? Why do we toss old photos of things we did with people who are no longer in our lives? Why does society deem it appropriate to pretend those people or events are never to spoken of again. I think we do ourselves a terrible disservice in the "pretending."

Don't get me wrong, I think we should all move on. I have moved on. I am gainfully employed and can see that everything turned out the way it should. Even as far as the ex in my life - I'm better off, I know this. But I refuse to continue to pretend these things never happened.

So last night, I confessed to my ex that it had been extremely difficult to transition to the "just friends" category, when I had lost so much, and publicly. I fell hard and I lost hard. I did confess that I had moved on, I was no longer sad, and that I truly hoped the best for him. I had moved past forgiving him, and was on the other side of healing my heart.

This morning, I swallowed my pride and posted some Go Red For Women pictures on my Facebook page. These were moments I was extremely proud of, and regardless of whether or not it was good enough for that organization, I feel passionately about heart health and I shared those memories - publicly. 

We don't forget the things that happen to us. They are what make us who we are. I have forgiven. I have swallowed my pride. I have healed. 

Now.. I can move on. 


Leanne said...

I am proud of you, with my whole heart. ;) and that, I truly mean.

Robyn Burke said...

Yep, I'm proud of you too. You rock, woman!!


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