But The Heart Remembers

First of all, I don't think the heart remembers anything, but we like to use the "heart" as the love symbol.. the emotion symbol... so with that, the title is a bit off for me.

But my brain, the emotional side, yeah it remembers.

It is incredible how we are conditioned to just "forget about," "move on," and "this too will pass," our way through our days. We are to operate like nothing ever happened, as if those moments were not what was "supposed to happen." That maybe.. just maybe... what IS real and legitimate and tangible is what is right in front of you.

I don't buy it.

Today, as I was watching the morning news, I caught the blurb about it being National Red Wear Day, a cause initiated by the American Heart Association. A nonprofit that was so near and dear to my heart (yes.. I said heart.) Well, at least it was.. up until I was let go after years of exhaustive service. Once that happened, I did not ever want to look at the color red, a heart, or hear about cardiovascular disease ever again. 

Then last night, as I was talking on the phone to my ex, (yes we still talk, and believe it or not, are better friends than we were husband and wife,) I wanted so bad to shut down and pretend that everything we went through never happened - that I could keep up this charade of being "okay" with the divorce and all that goes with that.

Man.. I am really, really good at pretending nothing is wrong. 

I can laugh it off or even brush something off like it is just a part of my story or past experience. 

But why?

Why is that socially required? Note I did not say, socially acceptable. 

The truth it - I was hurt like hell when I lost my job. I worked extremely hard for that company and then entered a nine month black hole called unemployment, was uprooted from my life, and nearly lost everything. It also hurt like hell when my husband, the absolute EPIC love of my life chose to not only walk away, but choose another. I've done remarkably well, and I have laughed and I have made everyone else feel comfortable around me concerning my incredible loss.

But the truth is... I remember every detail of everything with all of it. Why should I pretend these events did not happen? Why do we toss old photos of things we did with people who are no longer in our lives? Why does society deem it appropriate to pretend those people or events are never to spoken of again. I think we do ourselves a terrible disservice in the "pretending."

Don't get me wrong, I think we should all move on. I have moved on. I am gainfully employed and can see that everything turned out the way it should. Even as far as the ex in my life - I'm better off, I know this. But I refuse to continue to pretend these things never happened.

So last night, I confessed to my ex that it had been extremely difficult to transition to the "just friends" category, when I had lost so much, and publicly. I fell hard and I lost hard. I did confess that I had moved on, I was no longer sad, and that I truly hoped the best for him. I had moved past forgiving him, and was on the other side of healing my heart.

This morning, I swallowed my pride and posted some Go Red For Women pictures on my Facebook page. These were moments I was extremely proud of, and regardless of whether or not it was good enough for that organization, I feel passionately about heart health and I shared those memories - publicly. 

We don't forget the things that happen to us. They are what make us who we are. I have forgiven. I have swallowed my pride. I have healed. 

Now.. I can move on. 

Splinters & Rainbows

Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow. ~Terri Guillemets

 Growth is incredibly difficult. Change can be bittersweet. Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow. And love can come in a variety of different options.

Back to square one, folks. Looks like my new friend is deciding to "move on," and that sucks. 

So be it.

Work is a little challenging this month- the economy is tough, which means we all have to work super-extra-hard. 

So be it.

It's time to grasp control of the steering wheel and scope out some new paths. New love interests. New potential projects at work to help us succeed. New zest - one that fulfills my soul.

Even when "bad stuff" is erased from my life, there will always be little challenges to pop up from time to time. The key is to make the stumble a part of my dance. 

One of the key things I have decided to do is to at the end of each blog post, to include the top five things I am most grateful for each day. It could be as simple as a tasty ice cream cone, or a kind word someone shared with me. I need this. I need to remember that my life is truly fantastic, not some gloomy experience.

I was chatting with two of my closest friends the other day (different phone conversations) and we were commiserating about our lives. I was complaining that I was not a priority for anyone and that certainly I was destined to live alone, stuck making a certain amount of money, and not achieving some of those "wanderlust" dreams I hold so closely to my heart. One of them went on to talk about the challenges of a new family, and adjusting her dreams to accommodate her new life. The other was sharing how she had accomplished all of her goals, and she was stuck asking herself, "Now what?"

We all stopped and sort of chuckled. We all have homes. We all have great jobs (One if a successful gifted teacher, one is a news director, and I am the head of marketing for one of the largest african american museums in the nation.) We have all traveled. We  are all well-educated. We are (honestly,) interesting people and lead fairly interesting lives. We realized we were complaining about things the average person sees as fantastic. 

Lord knows, I have been down down down.. which humbled me beyond words. I did what I set out to do, and I rebuilt my life, one I could be proud of. But that did not mean it was easy. If you have been following for a while, you know how hard times have been since about 2007. I went from one divorce, to meeting and falling crazy/madly/in love with the egyptian, to dealing with immigration for 2 years, to readjusting with and taking care of my immigrant husband, to being on top of my game to suddenly come crashing down and losing my home, my job, my husband, and almost all of my money. I fell into a 9 month pit of despair to climbing out slowly, and trying to find some sort of normalcy and put down some roots.

Yet, I'm never satisfied. It's never enough. Which is why I need to identify the good in my life, in simple terms.

As it stands, I am sitting on my couch, drinking my morning coffee, watching the OWN Network, and realizing I am back to square one - a few splinters, but lots of rainbows in the distance.


Gratitude on Saturday:
1. For the ability to eat healthy all day, and not get tempted by the yummy things.
2.  Having access to technology: being able to afford a nice laptop, invest in a few good games, and lose myself in them on a Saturday afternoon.
3. Being able to get into my "skinnier" jeans last night.
4. Spend time with a family member I have not truly hung out with in years (since childhood.)
5. For the recent journey with a really wonderful guy. That season has passed. I must accept it and move on.  

Consistency at Home - Spontaneity Away

I like a little routine at home. I function better with it.

My mornings are very much routine:
Bathroom, meds, coffee, blog, shower, makeup, hair, clothes, load the car.

I like that. I am efficient that way.

Work is a little less routine, but I would like to make it more so. I think that is what is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I need a routine, to guarantee I get certain things accomplished. Not allow the chitter/chatter and minor "fires" pull me away from my daily goals.

Having a schedule for the gym keeps me going. That's why the whole class thing works for me. Having me show up at a gym and just "work out" would last a week or two and I would be bored.

I like that consistency in my friendships & relationships. Here's the deal- If I choose to have you in my life, I am your friend. Don't assume anything with me... rest assured, I am yours. It's the emotionally unstable, insecure gossipy folks that drive me bonkers.

But when it comes to travel - au contraire. I crave spontaneity. I want to be able to just wander. I like have a basic idea of where I am going, but don't tell me what to do once I get there.  It is my process of unwinding, and just experiencing.

Which brings me back to the inspiration for this post - I have a crazy busy  week, and too many items to accomplish. They are all BIG things - so I want to be able to check them off my list. But I have been distracted.

Then my family is coming into town on Saturday (!!!) They are staying in a hotel - which will make life so much easier, and we do not have any major plans. Basically my mom is getting dropped off by my dad & sister/niece and staying with me next week. I have another business trip, and she is tagging along. We will head down to Pensacola, then Mobile (and actually staying in Fairhope) and then FINALLY heading over to New Orleans for one night.

Of all things - we will be down there during Mardi Gras. LOL

I am looking forward to no plans.. chilling out... and just getting some work done in the day - and just reflecting and relaxing at night.

What about you? Do you prefer consistency or spontaneity?

My a Photo/Video journey of my day

Before you proceed - you have to watch this video... then look at the pictures. You will get the joke... I hope.

Soo.. my friend Laura is soooo crafty... she is showing me her goodies...

This is all of the fabric (and she made a little flower) that she plans to use to create her unborn - Veda Jane's - new crib stuff. (Comforter, the bottom/skirt.. etc.) Very simple, very classic, very Laura.

Today was her 26th birthday - so our office manager, Paige, bought chocolate cupcakes!

The tops were rings - so she has a birthday ring!

THEN - I have to share my new wallet/purse. Big enough to be a clutch, small enough to work as a billfold..

Got it for $4 at TARGET - MARKED DOWN FROM $20!!

Soo.. prepping for my party weekend (birthday coming up.) I bought this hat to wear.

What's in THIS bag will be revealed tomorrow night. It's the dress for the 'Little Red Dress' party my magazine sponsor is throwing tomorrow night!!

:-( He is packed and ready to go.

I found the PERFECT red lipstick. It's name? Ruby Star!

I spent the morning talking to a group of students at Xcell Academy, a Paul Mitchell Partner School - they will be helping us tomorrow for National Wear Red Day.

So... it snowed here. Nope - did not know that was going to happen.. clearly...


The students got a little taste of Zumba (that's my instructor - the one I said was the crazy-energetic Colombian!!)



Now.. how to:




It is now after 6pm - I have to be up at 3am to be ready by 4am to be at Xcell.. (that's where we are going LIVE with CBS 42!) I will be going nonstop from 3am until 8pm.. and unfortunately.. it's the last night with my hubby..

BUT - I believe he is planning on going to the Little Red Dress Party with me tomorrow night!!

Okay.. see you LATE tomorrow...

Hello Weekend!!

I think I did a pretty good job of balancing home and work this week! Perhaps I am on an upswing and the little vacation I took to recharge my battery worked!

When I think about it, that's what it is all about - Balance. I put in some serious hours and stayed focused and just checked off the little tasks that needed to get done at work.

At home, I was able to help the egyptian makes some HUGE decisions and get him on track for the long haul.

See - a miracle happened on our trip. Even though he and I were still snipping and griping with each other, when we got back - the communication started flowing.

I am happy to report that he will NOT be returning home alone in October. (Nor will he be going back at all this calendar year.) He is post poning the trip to take care of something waaay bigger. He is having WES certified and validate his teaching certification from Lebanon. Which means after taking about 4 classes in education at a local university he will be a certified teacher in the states. That's it.

I think visiting with my friend Telisa and speaking to her class and being in that environment solidified this for him. (Many thanks T!) Also, when he and I were talking about our "gifts" and "talents" - one thing he mentioned, "Nicole, I have taught classes for years." It only makes sense.

I think that the change in culture, diet, friends, everything just threw him for a loop. Over dinner two nights ago, he asked, "How do you think you would do in Egypt? With no friends, no family, you don't speak the language?" I replied, "I don't know."

It's true.

I don't know. How could I know if I am not there. I am really excited about his future. He is studying the GRE as we speak and I hope and pray this all works out in our favor.

On to other topics -

This weekend!! It's the Greek Festival here in Birmingham! I don't know why, but most Americans just looove the Greek Festival. I think I am conditioned to be excited, because in the past it was about the food. LOL Well, since marrying my Mediterranean man - that's what I cook all the time now, sooo.. I am still trying to figure out what I am so excited about. It must be the whole pavolv's dog thing. ;-)

Oh yeah.. I am also doing something I said I would never do again. BUT - there are no rules on this one, so I think I am in the clear. Maybe.. ;-)


Yep - I am blog hopping it. I thought I might go shopping for a few new blogs to follow. (It never hurts.) I am cleaning up my blog follow list and thought I would make sure I have some quality things that I like to read. One of my MANY projects this weekend.

I also think I will start on the storage room. Yeah.. I know...

What's up with you guys? I feel like I have lost track with my blog friends and followers. Now that my balance and focus is back - let's chat! I will be visiting YOUR blogs this weekend!

Where the magic happens..

This blog post is more for my family than anything. It is sooo boring - just look away. Or .. why don't you randomly click on one of the words of interest on the bar to the right under: For Weary Travelers and find something interesting to read!

I promised to post some pics of the move to my new office. I am still slowly moving in.. (well - I got rid of a lot!) Just wanted to share with them.. if you want to see also, take a look! :-)

The view into my office. Yes, Heather - that is a brick wall outside my window. ;-) We are hoping to get new carpet and wall paint soon. The building is old.

Where the magic happens. Wheeling an dealing takes place here. LOL

You can click on the pic for a closer look. I (luckily) left space on the other shelf to add more crap I will accumulate this fiscal year.

This is my personal happy board. This is what I see across the room. Click on it to see some of the "happy" things. LOL

You can see stuff outside the office. That's stuff that will probably end up in storage (not mine) from the move. That little desk is for my intern.

There is a stack of daily papers in the clear plastic bin. Yes,  I go thru every paper in every city from Alabama everyday. *sigh* The wipey board has my checklist for three huge media ops in Bham, Mobile and Pensacola, FL. (Yes.. my writing is atrocious.)

Three month calendar (a qtr of work) and the big bulletin board is where I hang my news clippings. New fiscal year - haven't hung anything yet.

That's it!

(Sorry to bore the rest of you)