I'm processing so much these days.
More than once this weekend, I found myself just sitting somewhere (maybe my bed, maybe the couch, maybe at my desk,) just staring... and processing.
I've been thinking about what the future holds and what my plans should be. I've been thinking about what my contribution to this community should look like. I've been thinking about the fact that I am, for better or for worse, in this whole thing alone.
Did you know that I had one single conversation all day today. Just one. It was less than 5 minutes and it was on the phone with my friend "T."
That conversation was initiated by me.
Not that this is tragic, but I wanted to paint the picture for you of someone who truly has a lot of time on her hands. This is what happens when you choose not to have a family. You have quiet. This is what happens when you choose to keep people at arm's distance - you have quiet. This is what happens when you are not in a super committed relationship - you have quiet.
The day really was a good day, outside of being alone for all of it. I got up at 9:30 (yes, very late - I had a party at my house last night. See? I'm not a total loser. ;-) ) I made biscuits and sausage gravy, a nice cup of coffee and watched about 4 episodes of True Blood Season 5. I even washed a few dishes. I caught up with everyone on FB. Then I proceeded to watch a few more episodes of True Blood and nibble on salsa and chips. Finally, I took a break and read a little, watered my plants, called my friend, then more True Blood. Finally, I cooked dinner, and attempted to go to sleep. All to no avail. Here I am.. typing a post.
Maybe I have not expelled enough energy today. Maybe I expelled too much yesterday. Whatever the case may be - I'm wide awake and it is 11:45pm on Sunday night.
I've been fairly quiet on here lately, just writing silly things. I've had a lot on my mind and again.. I'm just processing. I'm incredibly grateful for my life right now, but at the same time, I'm trying to understand the season. I'm just not sure where I see myself heading. I'm not sure about where my new "friendship" with "T" is heading. We've been going out for over 2 months now. (Crazy? Right?) I have tons of professional projects gearing up - I'm not sure how those will turn out. I'm just processing.
I'm trying to "go with the flow," but I must admit, it's not very easy - at all! I'm calmer, but I can also turn morose very quickly. If I stop long enough and think of the past couple of years, I get tears in my eyes, but I take a deep breath, I look up to the sky and I simple whisper, "Help me, God." Then I carry on.
It would be so easy to fall into a pit of despair, but I don't see the point. I just don't. It's hard not being a priority in anyone's life, and learning to get the love and respect from yourself. I am my own cheerleader, and if you know me, you know I am a cynical, twisted soul. I'm trying to be more supportive of my own thoughts and feelings. Trust me when I say, I even roll my eyes at myself. (In other words, don't get offended by the things I write, I assure you, I am just as hard on myself. lol.)
With that being said - I tried to celebrate this EXTREMELY difficult transition I have found myself in with a small get together at my apartment. Here are some photos from the "Divorce Party."