Monday, July 8, 2013

Apathy In The House

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."  ~Author Unknown

I woke up this morning feeling a bit down. Perhaps it is the nonstop dreary and somewhat steamy days. Maybe it's the fact that I have tried to keep my head high for so long now, and finally the force and weight of everything is just starting to feel heavy. Whatever it is, I need a break.

Or perhaps a break through.

I'm tired. Oh so very tired. I feel like I am in a rut: get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a movie, read, then sleep. That's it. That's my life.

All of the external things that could hold me back are no longer an issue. I felt that sense of freedom and release for a few weeks there. Now I am beginning to settle into a routine and I feel that sense of reckless abandon creeping in. I rifled through an old box of mine and found my Peace Corps application. I saw my pass port. I saw some old travel journals. I found poetry I had written. I found photos of me in college. I found some awards from television days. I found old beer bottle labels. Just a different world. A different life. A box full of so much promise, hope and something I had forgotten how to have - fun.

I've met a darling man. He's sweet, attentive and super supportive. Of course, it's waay too early to put a label on it, but it is suffice to say we spend a great deal of time together. I like the ease of it... the balance - me (this energetic, passionate, neurotic) and he (easy going, patient, non judgemental.) A little yin to my yang. It's a good thing. 

You would think that would sedate my need to bounce out of town again. Perhaps the only cure is for me to hop a plane and immerse myself into a culture somewhere. It's been a while. Last time I did something like that, I came home with an Egyptian husband. ;-)

Whatever the solution is, I am simply allowing myself to go through these emotions - feel the highs, the lows.. and everything else in between. I'm sort of in a weird place where I don't really care about anything in particular right now. I'm tired of trying to make people happy that are not truly invested in my life or happiness. I find there are people who would love to push me aside and sit right where I am sitting. I see people who wonder why the hell I even came back, and I feel completely apathetic to their causes. I've grown tired of trying to get people to support this cause or that cause... only to discover that if it's not the right cause or place, it won't matter either way. I'm sick of living in a community that seems to be so stuck in the past that it can't seem to move forward and create something new NOW. I just need a little break from it all. 

I'm starting to feel the same way I felt over a decade ago, when I packed all of my bags and took off for bigger and better things.

Maybe it will pass. 

Maybe it won't.

The positive spin - there is NOTHING holding me back anymore. 

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