I woke up this morning feeling a bit down. Perhaps it is the nonstop dreary and somewhat steamy days. Maybe it's the fact that I have tried to keep my head high for so long now, and finally the force and weight of everything is just starting to feel heavy. Whatever it is, I need a break.
Or perhaps a break through.
I'm tired. Oh so very tired. I feel like I am in a rut: get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a movie, read, then sleep. That's it. That's my life.
All of the external things that could hold me back are no longer an issue. I felt that sense of freedom and release for a few weeks there. Now I am beginning to settle into a routine and I feel that sense of reckless abandon creeping in. I rifled through an old box of mine and found my Peace Corps application. I saw my pass port. I saw some old travel journals. I found poetry I had written. I found photos of me in college. I found some awards from television days. I found old beer bottle labels. Just a different world. A different life. A box full of so much promise, hope and something I had forgotten how to have - fun.
I've met a darling man. He's sweet, attentive and super supportive. Of course, it's waay too early to put a label on it, but it is suffice to say we spend a great deal of time together. I like the ease of it... the balance - me (this energetic, passionate, neurotic) and he (easy going, patient, non judgemental.) A little yin to my yang. It's a good thing.
You would think that would sedate my need to bounce out of town again. Perhaps the only cure is for me to hop a plane and immerse myself into a culture somewhere. It's been a while. Last time I did something like that, I came home with an Egyptian husband. ;-)
Whatever the solution is, I am simply allowing myself to go through these emotions - feel the highs, the lows.. and everything else in between. I'm sort of in a weird place where I don't really care about anything in particular right now.
I'm starting to feel the same way I felt over a decade ago, when I packed all of my bags and took off for bigger and better things.
Maybe it will pass.
Maybe it won't.
The positive spin - there is NOTHING holding me back anymore.