Monday, July 15, 2013

Found my motivation

I'm giving myself a break... starting today. I think I have been too hard on myself and trying desperately to keep a momentum that could easily cause another person to collapse. I have experienced a wide range of massive life changing events in the past 2 years, and it is time I cut myself some slack.

I felt completely beat up last week. I think I was the main one doing the beating- constantly second guessing myself, falling victim to negative chitter chatter, and probably contributing a little negative nelly-ism myself. 

This weekend was not much better. I sort of spent it alone... and it's what I needed to go through. I did have a date Friday night. We went out to eat and enjoyed a quick visit with friends. Then Saturday I took myself on a date - I went to see Spamalot at Theatre Macon and even attended my niece's art show that morning. Sunday, I ended up ordering pizza and watching a Bravo marathon. Some plans got cancelled... and it reminded me that I am in this thing alone.. for now, and I need to just embrace it.

I realize this whole process is a bit up and down right now. One week I am on top of the world, the next I am down in the dumps. It's all a part of the healing of losing the absolute love of my life. I have been on autopilot. I have accepted the changes, but it does not make it any easier.

When I stop long enough and look at how far I have come, and how some really painful things had to happen to get me to this place, I realize that it all happened for a reason. I had to lose my job to reevaluate my financial situation. I had to lose my home to downsize and move back to my hometown. I had to go without for so long to appreciate even the darkest days at work. I had to go through all of this and have it put such a strain on my marriage to see that HE was not it in during the worse times.. the poorer times. I found my own place. I caught up on my bills. I found an even BETTER job. I got involved in my community on a level I would not have done in Bham... and most importantly, I purged a very toxic relationship from my life.

Now I am on this new path. I'm 40. I'm single. I have a great job. I make decent money. I'm involved in a lot of great organizations. My family and oldest & dearest friends are nearby, and I am learning to open myself up to someone new.. again.

It really is time to cut myself some slack. What about you? Have you endured a dark period recently? Are you able to stop for a minute and see the beautiful things God/Universe has replaced in your life?

Take note of those things.. and hold onto them. But remember, it's okay to fall into a slump from time to time, just don't stay down there too long. ;-)


Leanne said...

I just read a quote this morning that is perfect for this post . . . you've probably seen it or read it before. It is, "before alice got to wonderland, she had to fall pretty hard down a deep hole." I think that sums it up nicely, don't you? You need to go easy on yourself - allow yourself to breath. To be still. To just . . . be. Yes, I've found myself feeling this way before. I think there are days when I still feel it. Days when I feel low, like I'm still falling. But we will always come out in wonderland, my friend. We will. Thinking of you. (We are long overdue for a call, don't you think?) Hugs.

Hugh said...

This is great!


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