Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Feeling Nerdy

I am not certain how I was able to convince myself, but some how over the years I decided I was not nerdy.

Now if you know me, and know me really well - you have to laugh.

Because I can be a little awkward at times. I am secretly an introvert, though I over compensate with this great big, bubbly personality. I would much rather spend a Friday night curled up in bed with a good book and pjs.

But some where down the line I changed - I convinced myself, and to some degree, others, that I was this social butterfly.

Deeply shy and probably more sensitive than not, I somehow invoked all of those years of theater classes and forced myself to be more outgoing and confident.

I got to thinking the other day about my true self. I figure, I must be my "true self" when I am centered and balanced. When I reflect on my feelings during this time, I see and feel very compassionate, more contemplative, and more open to others. However, most of the time, I am walled off, "full of life" and very out-spoken.

What in the HELL happened?

I'm not saying one way is better than the other, not at all. I think a good balance between the two would be a powerful combination. I think one of the many paths I will take in this life will be that challenge to find that balance. I need to take what I have learned and fuse it with what is innately- me.

When I meet someone new, one of two things happen - I either gravitate toward them or I am repelled. I sort of joked a long time ago (though I am not sure how much of it was really a joke,) that when I meet you, I usually know with a few minutes whether or not we will click. It's odd. I don't know if it is chemical or astrological or what - but it is usually glaringly obvious, at least to me.

However, there have been a few times I was mistaken, and I was happy about it. I will share a "high school" story with you, and I know this person reads this, so she might get a kick out of it. When I was in the 11th grade, I had a Biology class with some underclassman. I don't know why I was taking Biology int he 11th - perhaps something was off kilter with my classes - anyway, in walks this beautiful girl by the name of Laura. I thought to myself, "No way will I ever be her friend." We ran in different circles, at the time, and I was one year older. I guess you could say there was an air of  social "threat" to me when she walked in. Don't ask where all of this comes from, we were all very cliquish in high school. Perhaps the nerd in me thought she would not like me, or perhaps I would become an outcast.

All of this may sound silly to people who know me, but you have to remember- this is the mind of a 16 year old. Needless to say, at some point, the ice broke and wouldn't you just know it, Laura became one of best friends in high school. So much so that we joined forces and started this waaay cliquish sorority for girls. We were obsessed with make up and clothes and boys and parties... and it all sort of fell into place. What I find soooo ironic about all of this, just 4 years prior, I was that quiet, semi-nerdy kid. Theater geek - ballet dancer. Book reader - no boyfriend girl. I did not an older sister to show me the way, nor was did I have the "popular" cousin next door to break me into certain groups. Everything I did as a kid - I did it on my own.

In elementary school, I was the typical straight A student. I was a Girl Scout, I took ballet classes, and I played with my dolls - usually by myself. My sister was a lot younger than me, and my only other "real friend" was my neighbor, Dee, who more or less was a lot like me.

By middle school, I was this scrawny kid just trying to make new friends in a new neighborhood, with kids who were waaaay more into "older kid" things than I was prepared for. Suddenly I am being picked on and all the while - I am just trying to find a little peace. You know - a little nerdy.

I was talking with my friend, Lisa, recently about middle school. I knew Lisa, though we were not close. Lisa was very popular and (this is no secret) known as a bit of a bully. She was actually one of the best friends of my arch nemesis in middle school. LOL Oh the irony. I asked Lisa what she thought of me back then and she said, "Oh - you were just Nicki. So small I could put you in my pocket." That sort of made me laugh.

By high school, something changed. I grew up, I studied the teen magazines - I had the fluffy 80s hair, I worked sooo hard on my makeup, I tried to be as fashionable as my parent's budget would allow. I went from this:

To this:

Lord Have Mercy!! THAT HAIR.

I'm the second from the left.

Not that any of it was better.. it was just different.

But let's be honest here for a minute, I will always - no matter what size I am, no matter how well groomed my hair is, or perfect my makeup or outfit is - will always be that shy little Girl Scout that took ballet.

Yep, feeling a little nerdy.

What are YOU really like?


Anonymous said...

You were so cute. Wait, that came out wrong. You are so cute - then and now.

The Bipolar Diva said...

you are so NOT a nerd! you're awesome!


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