Monday, April 19, 2010

One day... it won't exist.

The period of time between each visit home gets longer and longer with time.

I find that I do most of the traveling to see the very people/family/places that once meant so much to me.

Not a whole lot of the path is beaten down coming this way.

I wonder, in the next 20 years or so, will I even return to Macon? Will it matter?

My parents are aging, they will retire soon. Will they stick around? Will they even BE around? It's a somber thought.

What is left of what was once home? Recently I was terribly homesick for a few things that were familiar. On this trip back, I made a point to see some "old favorites", taste some "old cravings", and visit some good friends. I got to sample the Nuway hotdog; eat my guac and yellow cheese queso at Polly's; sample the garlic & cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster; see friends I have not seen in years (one in almost 20 years); walk the streets that were once my "stomping grounds"; sit in a park near the river; visit with family during a "mile-stone" birthday for my niece...

It was all there. The prescription for a "home-sick-fix." What do I feel? Nothing.

I don't have to eat those items anymore. They just taste greasy and fattening now. The friends I once spent hours on the phone with as a kid, now feel more like aquaintances and there is that ackwardness and small talk that no one feels comfortable with. None of my "friends" seemed to know what I did for a living, or what my interests were or anything. I asked lots of questions of them.. but it all seemed more one sided.

When it comes to family, I seem like more of an inconvenience. (All except for my niece.) Plus, I think some people can never find happiness. So it's best I live my life... not quite so involved.

It is simply not home anymore.

I have one more "socialogical" experiment. I am meeting up with some old friends from college the first weekend in June. We have not seen one another in probably 15 years or so. Not sure how that will play out either. But I will do my time, hopeful as always, of reconnecting.

I never understood my friends (new ones - here) that did not keep in touch with their old aquaintances. Now I am starting to see why.

It has nothing to do with the people. Everyone is fine, and delightful and all is well in their worlds. But that is just it - I am not a part of their world anymore.

My world consists of my husband (the egyptian), my little apartment, my writing, my pictures, my job, and all of the accomplishments I have achieved. I guess my home is where my Yasser is. We are our own little family now.

I hope the best for everyone else. I really do. But I think, at least right now, that my "reunions" with old friends might take a back seat for a while. I am tired. I am not included in these other little "worlds"... for people who once meant (and really still do) mean so much to me will never reciprocate what I like to put into long-distance friendships. It is not their fault. I am simply not of their world.


Anonymous said...

I know the feeling. Every time I go home it just sucks more and more. I find less reasons to go back as time goes on. *sigh*

Nicole said...

Cassandra - amen.

Miel Abeille said...

I just found your blog through the Lady Bloggers. You've got a new follower! :)

Nicole said...

Miel - Thank you. What is the link to your blog - would love to read your work!


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