Monday, April 5, 2010

Instant Human: Just add Coffee!

There should be a rule out there that does not allow bloggers to write BEFORE the caffeination commences.

I propose we add a little "breathalyzer" to our laptops. Upon logging onto Blogger, we must breathe into the apparatus, and test positive for stimulants.

**also note, if we test positive for more than two glasses of wine, blogger should lock the keys on our key board. Surely, trouble is not far behind.

I have struggled for the past five years with waking up in a good mood. Essentially, I am NOT a morning person. Let me clarify. I like to wake up earlier than the people around me, but I am not a "happy" person. This is MY time, and I like to huff and puff and groan obscenities at inanimate objects, ie: my computer, the coffee pot, the coffee filters, the tooth brush, the toilet paper, "extra pillows" that were tossed of the bed during sleep, the glass of water I have knocked off the night stand, etc. My cat used to fall into this category. Probably best he does not live with me anymore.

I think my worst enemy is my alarm clock. I really hate that thing. I look at it and glare, followed by a deep growl. I love the mornings where I do not have to set it, and can wake up naturally. Again, if the egyptian wakes up before me - you might as well have given me a set clock. I like to be the first to awake.

With that being said, my early am blog posts are very very negative. I think I need to use those as my "10 minute" brain storm, a technique many books on creativity recommend. However - don't publish it. ;-)

As it turns out, my day is going quite well. I got a lot of things accomplished, and my evening is jam packed with activities. Note: I need to thank COFFEE.

I did try to give up the ol' java back in November. I did okay for the first few weeks, then something struck. In January I ended up with meningitus and needed the extra boost just to survive the meds. Then the horrible addiction returned.

When I think about it - there are two items in particular I have an extreme addiction to - Coffee and Potato Chips. I am not kidding. I am a bit of a potato chip connesuir. Both are equally rough on a kid with high blood pressure. ;-)

When I smell coffee, see the word coffee, see the color dark brown - I immediately begin trying to figure out where I can get my next cup. I don't care what time it is. I need it - and I need it now.

When someone says potato, or salt, or I hear the crinkling of a bag, or smell something that may resemble a chip.. I start counting the change in my bag, hoping to snag a "big bag" at the corner store.

What I need is a good 12 step program to rid myself of this desire.

Or perhaps, I could start my own.

Here are my 12 steps:

1. I am powerless to chips and coffee.
2. Do not surround yourself with the color brown, mugs, or creamer.
3. No one within a 12 foot area can mention chip, salt, or crinkle a bag.
4. I am not allowed to enter Starbucks, or an office break room.
5. My work will have to lift the encouragment of meeting people for coffee.
6. I will not be swayed by the chip bowl at a party.
7. I will throw out my coffee maker, espresso maker, and cute little espresso cups.
8. I will not travel to Columbia, Indonesia, any other fabulous place that exports coffee.
9. I will not chase after the Frito Lay and Golden Flake delivery drivers
10. I will turn to water and bananas.
11. I will memorize my 12 steps.
12. I will more than likely jump off a bridge.


I wonder if I have time to run by Starbucks on my way to the meeting???


Anonymous said...

I am so thankful I haven't gotten into drinking coffee. It must save me boatloads of money.

Be strong!

Leslie said...

Bwahahahaha!!! I'm only addicted to coffee in the cool weather months, which is September to February! I just sent Hubby to the store because we're out of coffee. :P


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