Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I need a wake up.

Adulthood can numb you.
Seriously. Work, Marriage, Children, Finances - it's all just too much most days.
I now understand the aging process. Heck, how could you stay young with mounting bills, increasing responsibilities at work, and the pressure to always seem happy and beautiful.
I am lucky to not have to throw in the children component. I get a little break there. But at the same time, that leaves me with an aging concern - what happens when I am unable to care for myself? What legacy (child) did I leave behind to take care of me?
I know it all seems morbid, but my father's birthday - which is today - has brought this out in me. It seems odd, but with some information I received this week, I began to question the future.
This past weekend, my mother informed me that my father has an enlarged heart and possibly two blocked arteries. :-$
After talking with my father, he informed me he will return to the doc when he has more money. WHAT???????
I am blown away. If anyone knows anything about an enlarged heart - you realize that congestive heart failure is a major concern. DEATH.
Now, let's play the horrible game of WHAT IF?? Everyone hates when I do this - but it is part of who I am.
What if - my father gets worse (highly probable) and then, God forbid - does not make it to his next birthday.
1. My father will be greatly missed. I will be lost, hurt, angry, sad.. etc.
2. My mother does not make enough money to take care of herself.
3. My sister is unemployed and has a child - and they both live with my family.
Fast forward... 20, 30 years. Natural process, mom is gone. God willing, things will work out for my sister and she will be able to provide a comfortable life for herself and my niece.
Fast forward, my twilight years - WHO IS GOING TO CARE FOR ME?
Morbid, morbid. I know.
I guess with all of the health issues this year with myself and my family - Stress on finances and work - I am just morbid.
I just need something that will shoot a large dose of joy directly into my veins.
I cannot seem to find it. I seem more sad than happy most days. ODD. This is sooo not my style.
I have got to pull myself out of this funk.
I need to FEEL something joyful.

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