Monday, May 20, 2013

Redirection + Focus

Tonight I realized something very important... it happened as I was sitting in the dark, using the laser pointer with my two cats. 

Salvatore and Zen Kitty were zeroed in on the red dot flittering to and fro on the floor. They were focused and they were fierce.

I need a little of that focus. 
Or rather, perhaps I need to refocus.

When HE left a few weeks back (Omg... has it been a month already?) I found myself going through various stages of grief. Stage 1: I was completely shattered. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and left out on Gray Hwy for the vultures to come and pick apart. But somehow.. that did NOT happen. I kept breathing... I was going  to go on a trip to Chicago - that got canceled. I was asked to sign the divorce papers. Boom. Boom. Boom. Just disappointment after disappointment. But I kept breathing.

Stage 2: (Which was probably Week 2,) I found myself laughing again. I had a friend over for margaritas (something I never thought I would ever be able to do, since I lived with a Muslim who did not allow alcohol in the house.) Yet I did it. I bought and fried bacon in my cast iron skillet. (Another luxury that was not allowed before.) I even went out and adopted two kittens. I did the things I needed to do. I reorganized the apartment, I reorganized my life.

And I kept breathing.

Stage 3: See if I can get back out there. Sooo.. I toyed with the idea of going on a few dates. I signed up for a dating website, flirted back and forth with at least 1/2 a dozen guys. Had a few phone calls, a few promises for dinner or coffee....  I was beginning to feel beautiful again. I was beginning to feel confident again... I was beginning to think THIS could be fun again...

Stage 4: Tonight. What in the hell am I doing? I deleted the dating site profile. I rearranged my closet. I rearranged the pantry. I went shopping for some "grooming" items: Foot bath wash - Foot exfoliate - Facial masks - hair color - new hair brush, etc. 

Something hit me...

I'm not ready for any of this. So I found that I stopped and I felt sad for just a moment. I have spent the past few weeks praying for HIM. Then suddenly, I get a text msg from him - and it was kind. It was closure. I found out, after all of the speculation, he is more than likely moving back to Egypt. There was no thing to get citizenship. There was no other woman. He just feels like he just did not fit in here: with my life, with his life - with any of it. The man I fell in love with is lost. He needs to go home and re-gather himself. 

We actually talked on the phone this evening. Even though it was just for a few minutes. It was kind. There was forgiveness on both ends. At the end of the day... it was just too much and we were just too different. 
 I've been feeling a little like this bird for the past 6 years. Trying to do my thing and keep someone else afloat, but all the while... who was holding me up? I know the answer to that question... it was God. No doubt in my mind. You may say it is the universe or some random law of this or that... whatever it is.. that power that keeps us all going every day had my back.

There were some prayers answered this week.. and I think as I move into Stage 5 and refocus my attention on someone who has needed me all along (umm.. the answer to this riddle is.. ME) I needed these prayers to come to fruition. I got a raise. My ex (for whom I have loved dearly) has given me closure, and I know now.. without one shadow of a doubt, I'm not where I would like to be physically and emotionally to allow someone else in.. not yet at least. I need to regroup.. refocus.

I still have some places I need to go all by myself.
 Then.. and only then... the door will open as it always had. So this last chapter, this last decade, with my Egyptian King is over... there are new lands to discover, new wild and crazy adventures to begin.. and I am sure... the right door with lead me to the right partner for life.


robby watson said...

All i can or will say is this. Nicole,I have met you ONCE....& instantly knew this. You are a good & decent person ,human being,etc...and even though i know without a shadow of a doubt that our views,beliefs ,etc... are Very different...I know this....YOU will be ok...and some lucky man will get to know you eventually...enjoy life!

robby watson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leanne said...

Reding this brings me some sort of . . . Peace. I am not at pea e knowing that you are having a hard time right now. I am at peace knowing that you have closure. You have needed that for a long time, and I am so glad that you and E spoke (albeit brief). I know that you loved, Nicole. And I do believe he loved, too. but I completely agree that he was not able to adapt to the life here, and it makes sense that he only knew how to close himself up the past many months. It makes sense he may go to his home.

I hope you will never regret the past few years, no matter how painful they may have been. every experience, every moment makes you the person you are today.

I am so sorry the trio to Chicago was cancelled. My biggest wish was for you to escape from everything and talk things out. I am so sorry it added to a series of really rotten events. I will make it up to you some day.

For now, take it all one moment at a time. breathe deep breaths and pray. I'm thinking of you.


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