Monday, February 18, 2013

Waking Up.

I have got to admit, forty has not disappointed me. From a wonderful birthday party, to a fantastic Sunday brunch and touring of historical homes with out-of-town guests, to a great day at work... I'm good.

I figured a few things out over the past few days. 1. I am soooo over the bar scene. Beyond over. Though I think I knew this a while back, it was confirmed over the weekend. 2. I honestly enjoy being alone. 3. I choose love. 4. It's time for me to stop trying to make things happen that simply won't be. 5. I'm going to be okay.

Needless to say, I was a little disappointed that quite a few people who said they were coming to my birthday never came. I'm also a little perturbed a few people did not even acknowledge my day or the event. Whatever, right? These people are not my friends. Stop trying to make something happen that is simply not going to happen. We make things that are important to us a priority, and it's obvious, I am not a priority to lots of people. Why should I be? Right? I mean that with kindness.. not snippy or being bitchy. It's a fact of life, and time to move on. In the future, I will keep my little circle tight. I'm 40 now, no need to keep adding people to it.  If it happens naturally, so be it. 

I am finally finished with my super busy event schedule. Sure, we have activities planned each month, but the big stuff, at least until April, has slowed down. This is doing wonders for my stress level. I feel at peace tonight - sitting on my red chaise lounge, in my flannel pjs pants and old long sleeve "Love My Heart" AHA tshirt and comfy socks. Life is sweet, and I am trying to savor every minute of it.

I am going to restart my Rosetta stone lesson. I sort of took a few weeks break from it due to the stress and busyness of work. Now I am ready to forge ahead. I also will have more time and energy for the gym. But what is next? My Lenten reading is going slow.. but going. I hope to sign up to spend some time in the adoration chapel at church. I need to stick to my plan to do a little yoga each day. I have really been toying with the whole idea of pottery again. Who knows?

All of this may seem trivial, but remember - what else am I going to do? I live without kids or pets. My family is 30 minutes away. My parents and sister don't need me. My husband is super quiet and private and does his own thing. It's just me. Lots of time. So I read.. I write.. I watch movies.. I go to the gym.. I'm trying to learn a foreign language.. That's about it.

I think I have decided to stop attending the Macon Writer's Group. I'm not sure it is a good fit for me, though I really like everyone in the group. I'm not a traditional writer. I'm a blogger. My process is different. I need to be honest with myself - I'm never going to write a book. Or poetry. Or anything like that. I rarely follow through on anything I start. I know this about myself. I might do something for an amount of time, then I tend to just lose interest. I've done it with church. I've done it with Theater and Ballet. Flamenco and Zumba. This and that and so much more. Why stress myself out and make myself go to something that I can tell I am not of much use. I need to be of use.. and I just can't quite find my niche.

*sigh*

I'm sort of "waking up." Figuring a few things out. Feeling content.

2 comments:

somerempress.com said...

Hi Nicole! Happy BDAY again! I tried posting a comment on one of your earlier posts to wish you a fantastic "day/event/milestone", but was having troubles with my little phone. :) The pictures say it all! You looked like you were having a blast. Those who DID show up seemed to be delighted to celebrate YOU! Welcome to fabulous (but you already were, right?)!

Leanne said...

It's funny . . . I have been in that same state of peace for a while. Sure, I get frazzled and there are moments when my karma is off, but I think I am finding myself and my way - just like you are - too. I love that you have things you are doing to nurture your soul (yoga, Lenten reading, Rosetta Stone). This is what makes up the wonderfulness of you. Just enjoy life, Nicole. Every moment (busy, or not) of it. You ARE going to be okay. I know it. Hugs.

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