Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pulled myself out.

I pulled myself out of the morbid mood. PRAISE GOD.

Okay.. moving on.

Tomorrow is the big trip to the cardiologist. I am a little excited and a little nervous. I am ready to start this whole healthy lifestyle makeover. I even went grocery shopping, realizing tomorrow I will get the "smack down" from the D-O-C. I went so far as to pick up a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a super bag of chips - then changed my mind and put them back.

*applause from the crowd*

The whole recession thing has taught me how to go without. So, putting the treats back was easy. lol

Today was a heck of a day. I felt crummy - and it rained all day long. I tried to drive to work, but I got sooo dizzy and felt like vomiting. I don't think I am sick. I think it was stress. Stress of what has happened to my dear friends at work. Stress of what is yet to come. Life is freaking scary sometimes.

I happen to be one of those rare birds that depends completely on herself. No financial help from anyone. I am taking care of Yass and I - and it is hard. I had another weird "trapped" dream the other night. This time, there was a tsunami. This "building, area" I was in was flooding. If I sat and let the water over take me, I was sure to drown. But I could chance it.. swim across this dangerous crossing and at least TRY to get to the other side. I chose to swim. I took a chance. I battle major depths, frigid temperatures and swam against the current. I made it to the other side... to still find myself alone. I looked back across - the water was moving in. Then behind me it was becoming black. I battled on. I had to swim through floating furniture ( I am assuming they represented obstacles.) But I made it.. to a room (?) where there was a burning fire, and safety. Yet - I went back, to find people i knew, could not - so I swam back to the safe house.

Odd.. but I think this dream represented my survival. My will power. That is that strong current that lays just below the surface with me. I will always keep going. I am sure my last breathe, I will fight death all of the way down. I think this is the same with our current struggles. I will fight it. I will keep on. I will not give up in any way - shape - or form.

Yass and I are leaning on each other for support. We are being more careful with our words, and trying to breathe and see the good in the day. This whole situation is difficult. We are dealing with things .. most newly married couples never dream of. We have not been in a "honeymoon" state of mind because we are still swimming against the current.

And that's okay. Because, like I told Yass - this is what we signed up for. We knew we would be in for a fight.


May God protect us from all useless anxieties.


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