Thursday, September 5, 2013

One Word - Trust.

You would think after all of these years, I would finally get it. That I would finally understand that people.. simply.. can NOT be trusted.


I'm not even talking about telling a secret. Sure, that's a form of breaking someone's trust. Typically, if I tell someone something, I will always back it up if I get called out on it. 

No.. I am talking about good-old-fashioned-self indulgent - hateful - out for yourself - BACK STABBING.

Triple yuck.

Do you remember the last time you were back stabbed? Wait.. let's define it. I wonder if there is an actual definition. Indulge me for a sec.. 

Looks like Merriam Webster has an actual definition.. and apparently, I'm misspelling it - it's backstabbing (one word) :
  betrayal (as by a verbal attack against one not present) especially by a false friend
back·stab verb
back·stab·ber noun


  1. She was hurt by her former friend's backstabbing.
  2. backstabbing
to an art form>

First Known Use of BACKSTABBING



betrayal, business, disloyalty, double cross, faithlessness, falseness, falsity, infidelity, perfidy, sellout, treachery, treason, two-timing, unfaithfulness
Those are all excellent words to use.
What I want to experience is more of the antonyms:
allegiance, devotion, faithfulness, fealty, fidelity, loyalty, staunchness, steadfastness 
My question is - How do you deal with backstabbers (in a professional manner?) Now this may be a personal attack amongst friends or a family member, or this could be someone you work with? I hear people share stories with me all of the time that just really make me sad for the other person. Friends against friend, co-worker against co-worker... it's never ending. Why do we do it and more importantly, what can we do about it?
I actually googled it, and WikiHow has 10 steps. (Seriously!)
1.  Ask your friend if you can have an important, quiet chat together. Tell your friend that you've heard negative rumors about you that were apparently sourced from your friend and that you're trying to clear up things as quickly and carefully as possible.
2.  Clarify your position. If the things said are only known by that friend, make this clear when bringing it up. There is little point in beating around the bush when this is clearly the case. However, say it kindly and with tact.
3.  Speak Calmly. Yelling and getting over-emotional usually doesn't help the situation. Talk in a calm voice.
4.  Seek out your friend's side of the story before making assumptions about what has happened. Use open-ended questions to encourage discussion and avoid asking specific ones or grilling your friend. Simply ask what happened. Listen attentively and stay sympathetic. 
5.  ell your side of the story next. Keep a calm and steady voice and use words that express your feelings. Avoid making statements that are accusations. Simply explain how their actions have made you feel. Be as nice as possible but don't sound desperate, accusatory or angry. Stick to the known facts and preface anything you're unsure about with comments such as "I don't know if it's true but X said...", etc. to show that you are still trying to make sense of the unknown, rather than presuming anything. 
6.  Bear in mind that people who are more removed from you than your friend may have an ax to grind or simply like to stir up trouble. It is important to keep an open mind before launching into accusing your friend of letting you down and spreading rumors about you. Consider what you know about the people who have fed the stories back to you and what their agenda might be. Consider also why you think your friend might have said something she or he shouldn't have––perhaps something slipped out without meaning to, perhaps a mistaken belief that someone else knew something caused your friend to elaborate or perhaps your friend was clueless about the real intentions of the person she or he spoke with. While your friend's reasons aren't excuses for their own behavior over which they have control, they are important aspects for you to consider when working out how you feel about the friendship from this time forth.
7.  Ask your friend if you have done something to bring on this bout of backstabbing. It's important to know whether you have somehow (even if the logic behind your friend's thinking is illogical, odd or wrong) contributed to this state of affairs. Perhaps they think that you've hurt them in some way and that this is a way of "getting back" at you for something you've said or done. Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding. At this point, it's important to clarify the possibility that your friend sees things in this light.
8.  Tell your friend that you consider that friendship is stronger than rumors and gossip, and that you're absolutely willing to work through whatever has happened to restore the trust in your friendship and move forward from this episode.

9.  Slowly build back trust. Do not let these wounds stay forever and block ability to share secrets or be open and honest with another person. Life brings us trialing moments where trust gets broken, however temporarily or easily. The way in which we respond to that breach of trust says much about our own character as well as about the other person. The more resilient we are, the more likely we are to be merciful and give a person we care about another chance, setting aside outrage as an excuse to stay stuck in being hurt ourselves. Try once more and give your friend another chance, especially given the boundaries you've set together from the previous step.

10.  Decide what to do if your friend is not willing to ever discuss or overcome the lapse in judgment and where you feel that the friendship is no longer viable due to a breach of trust or irreparable differences. Perhaps this isn't the first time it has happened, or perhaps your friend is already moving on from your friendship and this was a cheap shot way to rupture it. In such cases, protect yourself and go into damage control.

Tell me about a time you were backstabbed and how did you handle it?

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