No doubt about it - I'm having a hard time staying positive the past few days.
I wake up, in a fairly decent mood, considering the fact that I wake up with two cats swarming my face and attacking my feet. I push snooze, maybe once or twice, just to allow myself a few more minutes sleep before I tackle the day - only to wake up in an empty house with a thousand details to be attended to before I even make it out the door.
Honestly, I don't know why that's such a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I never had anyone to make me coffee in the morning, or have breakfast waiting on me. If anything even remotely close to that was going to happen, it would always be me doing it for the other person.
Basically I am the one responsible for stumbling out of bed, feeding and cleaning up after cats, taking care of myself, and some how making it to work on time. But here is where the problem ends up rearing it's ugly head- once I set foot out of that door, all bets are off. It's me against the word and the 5000 battles I will endure that day. We all experience it... so this is nothing new to report. Everything from negotiating traffic, to paying bills on time, to meeting the demands of a high pressure job, to fulfilling all of our community commitments, to somehow finding the time to nourish my soul.
All of this is just life. I get it - so I tend to try on a new pair of rose colored glasses from time to time and simply hope and pray for the best.
The challenging part for me these days? No support. No safety net. No one to say, "Hey girl.. I've got your back."
Yesterday, I spent some time in Savannah with three other friends. We are all in a transitional period of our lives - post divorce/break ups/moves/jobs.. you name it. We're all successful, strong women in our own right, and have weathered our storms incredibly well. As we were driving back from our trip, we were sharing what everyone looks for in a partner. I sort of rattled off some silly things that I wish I could find in someone:
- I need a grill master. I miss having someone cook for me. (It's been years - that's the problem with marrying a non-American, they don't grill out.)
- Someone tall. It's just a requirement of mine.
- Someone with an excellent sense of humor.
- A great conversationalist.
- Someone who balances me out. (Calmer than I... Centered... less frivolous with $$)
- Someone not overly involved with the arts. (Seriously... I need a break from this from time to time)
- Finally.. and this was the piece de resistance:
someone who will just say to me... "Don't worry girl, I've got your back."
See, the problem is... I've never felt like I could trust anyone, or depend on anyone for anything. I'm incredibly independent and a bit of a problem solver, and for me.. I just want to have someone to come home to and let my guard down with.
Is that too much to ask?
What I've realized over the past couple of weeks... I've never had that. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not in college, not as a young adult, never with anyone I was married to...
I just sort of had to do it all by myself.
I know I'm not the only one. You may very well be exactly the same...
What I have realized is that by not setting up any expectations for other people, I have not had any of my needs met. I pretend that I will be okay, and everything will be okay.. and yes, I do utter from time to time, "I know God will handle this and it will all work out in the end."
But God also gave us other people so that we can have a soft place to fall. I just have not been lucky enough to identify my safety net. In other words... I am trying hard to remain positive on those harder than normal days.. but there is a bit of a crack in my rose-tinted glasses and I find I'm working a little harder than normal to remain positive.
It's all a process, and one I am trying to understand and trudge through. I know we all have our own little battles to conquer, and I honestly hope that by my sharing this process, maybe someone out there can say.. "hey.. it's not just me."