Grateful for .... Post 1 - God.

If I never thank my family for anything else in this world, I want to thank them for introducing me to God. Granted, I realize that I would have probably discovered who God was and what he was about, but because my family actually went to church, or at least had a concept of God, I never went a day without realizing he exists.

Now, you may not believe in God. Perhaps you believe in a higher power, the universe, etc. I get it. I believe the universe/power/whatever is the same, just called by different names. I know the die hard fanatics will cringe when I say that, but that's okay. But back to what I am grateful for - my relationship with what I call my higher power, God.

I am not bible beater in the strictest sense of the word. There are few of the big Ten Commandments that I sort of skip over from time to time. No, it's not right, but the difference between me and maybe someone else is, I actually get it. 

No, I don't go to church each Sunday. I have in the past, and may again soon. I enjoy church, but I will be the first to admit that I like relaxing on a Sunday morning. It's hard to get me to leave the house. But when I do go, I am so happy I did.

No, I will not "witness to you." Though, if you want to openly talk about God and why I choose to believe what I do, I will discuss it with you. I won't debate you, unless you flat out insult me.

But back to being grateful - I am super grateful that I was Christened as a baby. Which in my belief system sort of protects me and shows to the world that I will be raised as a child of God. Then I love the fact that when I was very young, I was allowed to enter the most important part of a mass and that is where you are able to partake of the body and blood of Christ. Then as a teen ager, I spent two years studying Christianity and other religions, and was provided the opportunity to publicly declare whether or not I wanted to continue down this path. 

Though all of those were traditional acts that many Catholics/Christians go thru (and yes, Catholics are Christians.. for you fundamental naysayers. (
Catholicism (from Greek καθολικισμός, catholikismos, "according to the whole") is a broad term for describing specific traditions in the Christian churches in theology and doctrine, liturgy, ethics and spirituality. For many the term usually refers to Christians and churches, western and eastern, in full communion with the Holy See, usually known as the Catholic Church or the Roman Catholic Church.^[1] However, many others use the term to refer to other churches with historical continuity from the first millennium.
In the sense of indicating historical continuity of faith and practice, the term "Catholicism" is at times employed to mark a contrast to Protestantism, which tends to look solely to the Bible as interpreted on the principles of the 16th-century Protestant Reformation as its ultimate standard.^[2] It was thus used by the Oxford Movement.<sup>[3] )

I actually enjoy my personal relationship with God. I pray and have done so fairly often. I don't feel like I need to make a big show of it either. I know people that do that. One time I sat down to eat lunch with a fellow coworker, and she paused and bowed her head to pray. (Which bowing of the head is a Protestant tradition.) I simply put my napkin in my lap and said to myself (without moving my lips,) "Thank you for this food, may you please bless it to the nourishment of my body." Then I picked up my fork and proceeded to eat. My friend, on the other hand, continued to pray, looked up and asked, "You don't bless your food?" I replied, "Of course I do." She just looked at me like I was crazy.

Again... I did not see why I should have to pray and pray and pray at lunch. I pray throughout the day, and the point was to thank God for the food.

Again - I am so grateful for my friendship with God. That I can do these things, and I assume he gets me.

I suppose this is my first Gratitude post - The one where I am so grateful that I believe in God. That I have my traditions. That I have my prayers. That I believe there is a more powerful force out there loving me, protecting me, guiding me. It has helped me make good decisions throughout my life, and it has helped me heal from the bad ones.</sup> 
 

Internal Castle?

This post may be a little "out there" for some of you. Just try to follow along.

Soooo... I had a bad day yesterday. Not a bad life. Just a single bad day.

I awoke grumpy and felt sort of miserable all day long. People at work were also grumpy. Two grumpys do not make a happy.

I finally made it home that night and after a few mind numbing hours in front of the TV, I decided to pray.

Oh you know the kind of prayer... the kind where you just lay your heart and worries right there at the foot of God. Then you cry.. cry cry cry. It felt good. It was much needed.

This morning, I decided to bring my own sunshine to work. Instead of my typical cup of coffee, I opted to read a chapter out of a book my friends Stacey and Jonathon gave me for my birthday. It was the first chapter in "Praying with Saint Teresa of Avila." Her first meditation deals with your interior/internal castle. In her book, she describes the soul as living within you, within it's own castle. She visualizes this castles as being clear as diamonds, and a glorious place to dwell. She adds that God resides in the center of this fortress... inside of you. (meaning the holy spirit)

Within this meditation, you are asked several questions that all require positive answers. Somehow I am supposed to be so delighted that God resides within me, and I should be able to share all of the good and glory and what not. 

People... I was stuck. Like, so stuck I was questioning whether God had just given up on me. 

WTH? (Could be interpreted what the hell or what the heaven?) lol

Needless to say, the closing prayer is one where you participate in a mantra of your own creating. 

I decided to ask God to remind me throughout the day that he does reside within me. I suppose when you go through as much stuff as I have in the past 3 or 4 years, it's hard to remember that I have a soul, or that I am a good person. I think once you lose a job, you feel a sense of abandonment. Like you are not good enough and not wanted. When you lose a spouse, you feel another sense of abandonment. Again - not good enough, not wanted. 

Then to feel unappreciated in your day to day life is a lot to bare. Including not understanding the whys and hows and whats. 

I've sort of left my spiritual side dormant for a while now. I tend to do that when I am on autopilot. 

It's time to reawaken the spirit in all facets of my life. To seek God.. in my own way. 

That's a new path to take. 

Bring on the day!

I spent a little bit of time last night reflecting and pulling myself back together. I think shouldering the financial responsibilities (though temporarily) and trying to readjust to a new home can always put people on edge (see the previous post.)

However, this is all an opportunity to start fresh, start anew. I think I spend too much time trying to understand the meaning of it all (the reason I call myself a modern day philosopher,) yet - I need to just chillax and enjoy the ride.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I decided to sit down and read Ecclesiastes. Yesterday I finished the book and it really taught me an important lesson - It's all meaningless. LOL No, No.. I don't quite mean it like that.. Let's see if I can explain what I learned:

- We should enjoy our work. But work becomes meaningless if we try to use it to make sense out of life. Only God can give true meaning to all our activities "under the sun."

- Knowing that God is in control should give us a new, hopeful perspective that looks beyond the bounds of our natural world and enables us to cope with the difficulties of life.

- Only by trusting God and obeying his will can we find meaningful direction and joy in life.

- Only God can give us strength and purpose for a meaningful life. We need to trust him and patiently follow his plan revealed in the Bible.

- that living for personal success will ultimately cause us to come up empty.

-Someone who enjoys life as God's good gift will be rewarded. This includes enjoying our work while not allowing it to become the key to meaning in our lives.

- to take life less seriously and enjoy it more. Life is too short to waste it on the treadmill of the ever-increasing, professional accomplishments. We need to take time to enjoy the gifts that God gives us.

- We can't always understand why things happen the way they do.

- God sees the underside and the topside of our life's pattern. We must not let the things we can't understand- the knots and the loose ends of life - drag us down. God tells us enough in the Bible to direct us to a life filled with joy and meaning.

- Supportive friendships are absolutely necessary for our spiritual growth. When we fall down, we need help getting up again.We must learn to trust others, to reach out to others and to admit our need for support.

-The alternative to materialism is a celebration of the beauty of God's gift of life and its simple pleasures. If we are content with what we have, we need very little material wealth to really enjoy life.

-The celebration and enjoyment of life are extremely important.

- Doing things God's way will lead us to live in harmony with him. God is in control. By trusting him and obeying his Word, we can live productive and joyful lives. Living at odds with God's plan will ultimately only hurt us.

- Do not be so caught up in religious things that we miss what's going on around us. We must always be careful to keep in touch with the concerns and needs of others.

-Most importantly (the one point I needed) - We are advised not to trouble our minds with problems we cannot solve. We will never have the whole picture. Only God can understand the reasons behind everything, we need to only trust him.

I guess at the end of the day, Ecclesiastes taught me that our relationship with God is foundational for coping with life in a messed up world. Life is filled with ambiguity; there are so many things I will never understand. But God sees the big picture; he knows what will happen in the future. If I follow his plan - obeying his commandments with his help - I will discover that joy I often write about admist all of the ambuguity.

The Art of Maintaining a Husband

Most little girls dream of one day finding her Prince Charming, or if you are me, the perfect Mr. Darcy. I was always looking for someone who carried himself well, you know - had an air of sophistication. He would have dark hair and dark eyes,and of course, be well traveled and educated.

Perhaps your picture looks a little different, but that was my little checklist, ever since I was a little girl.

With a show of hands (or in our case, comments) how many of you would say maintaining a happy marriage or in most cases, a happy husband, is probably the hardest job you have ever had? Of course, if you have children, that might be more so the case. But I have yet to find anyone who says relationships are easy. Even those of us who find our soul mates, life and people and differences of opinion are a tough pill to swallow some days.

I have yet to figure it all out. I may NEVER figure it all out. But what I can do is hope for the best, and do a little something...

I found this great little (looks like a bookmark..) and I thought, hey - I can do that.

How do you maintain a happy home?

Do Not Be Afraid

"The man who doesn't relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on. "~Elbert Hubbard

Amen to that Mr. Hubbard.

Week two of unemployment commences. Hootie Hoo!

I have decided to embrace summer (finally) - since technically everyone told me to do just that last week. I think I was still in such a state of shock, I had to go into "fix mode." Here's the thing, it's been one week. Sure, time is just a ticking into the future, but I have sent out over 20 resumes to some seriously - quality jobs. I actually got a call back for one - but after much debate with the egyptian, I am going to pass on this "possible" opportunity. With his Praxis coming up in a month, and school about to start back (his job,) the cost of relocating is just not worth it.

The sucky part - it was in Savannah. Yep... the city I have wanted to move to.

BUT - I think we have a plan we can both be satisfied with.. and that's what I am going with.

Instead of worrying about jobs this week (though I will spend 1 - 2 hours a day searching) - I plan to have a little fun this week. For instance, the pool. I live in a great apartment community. We have a racquet ball court, tennis courts, basketball courts, 2 pool, a gym, jacuzzi, a 1 -mile wooded trail and a movie theater (seriously.) There is no reason I don't take advantage of all of this crap I have been paying for.

So... beginning tomorrow - Vacation: Nicole will commence. There is food in the frig, gas in the car, and outside of one errand for a friend (picking her up from the train station) and one coffee "date" with another friend - I am a free agent.

You better believe I am going to embrace it.

I have to give all props to the big guy upstairs. I was feeling sort of.. well.. lonely, and a little worthless (one week with nothing to officially do other than clean house and drive the egyptian to work is a little disheartening.) I decided to go to mass. Except I tried another church -and guys - I LOVED IT. Everyone was so friendly (that's saying a lot for catholic churches... we tend to mind our own business..) and the priest was very nice, and it doesn't hurt that the message was dead on what I needed to hear.

The overall theme - "Do Not Be Afraid."  Remember when Pope John Paul II came out with his overall message to the world? It was those very words. Do Not Be Afraid. God is with you.

The gospel today was the story that involved Jesus walking on water. Don't remember that one? Well it goes a little something like this:

After feeding the 5000, Jesus sends his disciples ahead of him in a boat to cross the Sea of Galilee. Several hours later in the night, the disciples encounter a storm. Jesus comes to them, walking on the water. This terrifies the disciples and they think they are seeing a ghost. Jesus tells them in verse 27, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

Peter replies, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." So Jesus invites Peter to come. Peter gets out of the boat and begins walking on the water toward Jesus. But when Peter takes his eyes off Jesus and sees the wind and waves, he begins to sink. Peter cries out to the Lord and Jesus immediately reaches out his hand and catches Peter. As they climb into the boat together, the storm ceases. Then the disciples worship Jesus, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

For me, the story says - concentrate on what's important, and "He's" got this. So I kneeled in the pew at mass and just asked Jesus to hold my hand through this. I mean, seriously... if Jesus were to come to Earth, and we all saw him.. and he walked around with me, holding my hand... I mean.. come on.. I would not be afraid of anything. So, I decided that would be my little thought process.

During the Homily, the priest was talking about how God will is what we need to focus on. I sort of smiled, thinking of how arabs, before they even speak of the future, they always say, "Inshallah." Which translates to God Willing. Soo... I will be okay, Inshallah.

As I was going to take the Eucharist (Communion for my Protestant friends..) the choir sang, "Do Not Be Afraid" and all I could think was - THAT'S IT. That's God's message to me this week.

So, my friends.. I will NOT be afraid. This too shall pass. I will concentrate on Jesus and God and not look at the choppy waters around me, and you better believe, I feel like I am in the eye of the Hurricane... it seems calm.. but I know I am surrounded on all sides. Maybe with trusting God to be on my side, I can weather this storm.

Inshallah.

I will leave you with a YouTube version of the song. The lyrics speak volumes.

Thank God

"Angels descending, bring from above,
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love."
~Fanny J. Crosby

I am about to get biblical on you. ;-) Just kidding - not really, but I need to say something... and it might get a little "metaphysical."

I had a CRAPPY day yesterday, mixed in with little bouts of good. As the evening progressed, it only got worse. I can always tell when the stress is trying to overtake my body - every muscle hurts so bad.

I got home and all hell broke loose. After dinner and an impromptu peach cobbler (which I had no business making while trying to diet,) I decided to just PRAY. I cried and prayed for well over an hour. I even broke out the rosary.

The tension is palpable. Sometimes, I feel like I could just snap. Not in the "Snapped" A&E murderess type of way, but in the Sylvia Plath "Bell Jar" sense.

So I did the only thing I had left to do - and that was offer up all of my stress, sadness, and anger to God. I told God that I just could not handle the issues that are bothering me any more. I had no where else to turn.

Before bed, as I was laying secluded in my bedroom - I happened to glance at my phone. My friend, Laura, from work - sent me a message:

I was reading through that Praying God's Word book & found this quote & sent it to my brother. Thought you would like it too :)


"Overcoming rejection is God's unquestionable will for your life if you belong to Him. How do you overcome rejection? By applying large doses of God's love to your wounded heart daily and by allowing Him to renew your mind until the rejected thinks like the accepted.


Jesus Christ will never leave you or forsake you. He will never cast you away. He is incapable of suddenly deciding He no longer wants you. If you have received God's Son as your Savior, nothing you can do will cause Him to reject you. Believe what God's Word tells you about Him and about you. You are defined by the love and acceptance of the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. He happens to think you are worth loving... and keeping. Find your identity in Him."

Regardless of what, dear reader,  you believe - this spoke to me. It was timely and like an answer to a prayer. Laura had no idea what I was going through that night, or what I was experiencing. Out of nowhere - this was sent to me. Right after I had finished praying and trying to calm down.

***

That night, as I lay sleeping, I woke up suddenly by a bright light. I thought - WHAT IN THE WORLD? It was the biggest, brightest moon shining through the blinds of my bedroom. Something about it comforted me... and I went back to sleep... hoping the moon beams would somehow heal my hurt.

This morning, I awoke - calm. I feel a sense of peace. EXACTLY what I needed. Yes, I have prayed for this many, many times - but never actually felt it. This time, I do.

Then I get to work - and I open my little daily reading piece, and you will not believe what today's said! I will transcribe it here:

Love All of Yourself

Do more than just accept yourself, tolerate yourself, put up with yourself, endure who you are. Love yourself.

There came a time in my life when I simply could no longer put up with putting up with myself. I had talked about self-love. I had said out loud that I loved myself. The words were good, but they didn't ring true. I had to actually begin experiencing and practicing love for myself. It became the next step on my path.

To live in a magical way, one in which you connect with the universe, loving yourself isn't optional. It comes first. To hear the quiet voice of your heart so you know you are being led, to hear your thoughts so you can see what you really believe, to trust and open your heart, you must first experience love for yourself.

Have you abandoned yourself? Let yourself see if that's true, feel it that's true. Then learn to experience love for yourself.

Learn to love the way you handle things. Love your unique way of learning, growing and seeing things. Love where you've been. Love what you've done. Love where you are, and what you're doing now.

Love how you look, smell, and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance in your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you've done. Love it all. Love all of you.

"Step into love for yourself, and the universe will reflect that love back to you."

Coincidence?

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous. ~Albert Einstein"

Be Still

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." ~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

There is something so promising in those first few moments, when you open your eyes and you have yet left the comfort and warmth of your bed. I actually sleep with the blinds 1/2 of the way open, and a beautiful stain glassed heart hanging in the middle. This is so I can see the sun trickle in, and in turn, I can welcome a new day.

It took my husband some time to get used to waking up to the bright sun. But for me it works to wake up more naturally on a day I may not have to set the alarm.

The mood has changed in the house again. Acceptance on my part. I knew I had to get over the shock of my "lack of control" of a situation. Everything IS going to be okay.

This morning, as I was drinking my coffee and flipping through a Signals catalogue, I came across a beautiful pendant. On this silver pendant that has this beautiful twist/ribbon design are the simple words - "Be Still and Know That I AM." It is from Psalms 46:10 (and actually ends with and know that I am God.)

It resonated with me today. The whole Zen approach I have been trying to incorporate. Be still. Listen. Know that God is in control. Because I am surely not. However, what I can control is how I react to difficult situations. Turns out, this quick temper I seem to have ingrained in me comes from the fact I react according to my emotions. It's the only time you see my emotions. In anger. Otherwise, they don't exist. (Sounds like someone needs to learn to express herself better, eh?)

That's what I want to work on today.. Being Still. Taking my time. It is a national holiday (In Observance of Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday.) I have the joy of actually taking a restful day off. Since I spent yesterday sad and confused, I need to regain my joy and simmer in the beauty of stillness and leisure.

You know, MLK was a remarkable man. He changed the way America dealt with minority groups. Changing a way a people thinks takes a little bit longer - but with each generation, that change is obvious. Maybe it's the same with me. Maybe I can make myself do things a little differently, and in time - maybe I will actually begin to think that way. And Be Still... and know that I AM.

"The time is always right to do what is right." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Meditation: Soul Enriching

One of my favorite lines from Thomas More's "A Godly Meditation" is - "To be content to be solitary."

That's powerful.

This post I thought I would share with you one of the things I am doing to "Enrich my Soul" on Sunday.

Meditation is one of my absolute favorite ways to gain focus. It takes so much to get me to stop my brain long enough to find some sort of inner peace (a common theme in my journey.)

I recently was reading some of More's writings. I like this guy! Aside from his "family expectations" to be successful in law and  government - More was quite the humanist! (I like to consider myself a humanist!)
He was also a good friend of Eramus, and a prominent literary figure. You might be familiar with his work called "Utopia."

What I also admire about More is that he was quite spiritual. He had a wonderful devotion to religious life, while maintaining an excellent sense of humor. It is said that even at the height of his career, he would always set aside one day a week for meditation and prayer. HELLO? I am doing the same thing!! And that, my friends.. is today. Sunday - my Soul Enriching Day.

Another thing I have to tell you about More (before I get into his meditation) is his strong integrity (w/o losing his swagger!) Apparently Henry VIII appointed him to be his royal counselor. However, when Henry wanted to divorce Catherine of Aragon, More told him, after careful study, that he could not support his case. (Love it. He at least saw all sides and then reported back.) He also refused to support Henry when he appointed himself the head of the church. In turn, Henry (the spoiled brat) had More put in prison, later to be executed. They say that when he went to his execution, he went with great composure and was even found joking with his executioner. I like this guy!

Back to his meditation - "A Godly Meditation." Love it! (Please click on the link if you would like to see the entire thing.)

I thought I would share some of my favorite lines that I hope to take with me into the week and use for more "meditation."

- To be content to be solitary
- Gladly to be thinking of God
- To continually have in mind the passion that Christ suffered for me
- To buy the time again that I before have lost.

How cool is that? Two are very general and can apply to everyone. The two in the middle may only speak to a few of you. Whatever - it's all good!

Part of enriching my soul - I want to learn to be content in my own solitude. I want to be happy to think of God. I want to remember that someone cared so much as to suffer FOR me. I always want to learn to buy back all of that time I lost worrying, creating my own drama and just doing mindless stuff.

It's a good thing to consider.

There is a specific bible selection you might be able to check out to go even further with this. It's Jeremiah 15:5 - 10.

Some of the take aways I get are:
- Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.
- I the Lord test the mind and search the heart, to give to all according to the fruit of their doings.

What I see is for (me) I have to remember - If I trust - I will be blessed.
If I take time to meditate and concentrate on what is important - it is known. All good things will follow.

In the end - I think my big take away to meditate on is clear - LOVE. Love my enemies. Love my friends. Love my life. Love your right to your life. Love God most of all.

Got it - if that doesn't enrich the soul, I don't know what will?!

** I think some of you thought I was actually creating daily themes for my blog - actually, that is not true. The "daily" ideas was for my state of mind, and perhaps something in my personal life I could try. On Sunday, since it involved reading, I thought I would share. Hope that makes sense!