I've Got A Vent... What's New?

By no fault of her own, my roomie said something last night that I wish every woman would quit saying...

"You have a strong personality."

No, we were not arguing. We were discussing relationships with men and personality traits. I was sharing with her that my newest "love" interest (Big Guy,) made a comment about me trying to be the "man" in the relationship. Uh yeah.

Not the first time I have heard that.

Then my roomie gave me the "kiss of death" (as I like to call it..) 

Here's what I have to say:

Women, stop telling other women (especially those that carry themselves with confidence,) that we have a strong personality. 

That's a girl on girl crime, if you ask me.

Alluding to women who are confident, having an opinion, are full of knowledge, knowing what they want and knowing how to get it, and are NOT afraid to say NO... are often categorized as women trying to be men or having a "strong" personality.

Earlier that same day, I was chatting with a guy I spent some time with (dating/friends.. whatever,) anyway.. and I told him what had happened. He said to me, "Nicole, you never made me feel like you were trying to be controlling, or hateful, or were trying to be a "man." That's all coming from a place of insecurity when someone says something like that."

Huh.

You're are damn straight.

A confident person would not see a "strong woman" as a bad thing. I have an education, I have experience, I am over 40, I can take care of me... this is NOT a bad thing. 

Granted, there may be another situation where there is a lack of balance in the relationship. I am more educated (than all of the people I mentioned in this.) I have more success from a career standpoint. I have experienced love and loss and I won't settle for less than what I deserve. Perhaps that can be intimidating... but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

The good news is, I chatted with Big Guy and it basically boiled down to what I thought, he feels a little bit like a fish out of water in my world. He's a blue collar worker, and does quite well for himself, but he is not used to the pressure and stress of the politics of my world. That's okay. It's not every one's cup of tea. Hell, that's 75% of the reason I enjoy his company, it's refreshing to be in his world. Much. More. Simple.

Striking a balance, accepting who I am and not being ashamed of any success I have earned is something I need to work on in the New Year. (I was even hesitant to type success, afraid it may turn people off... where does this come from??) 

I don't like it. I think we should be able to celebrate who we are and everything we have accomplished. 

**Nicole steps down off her soap box.**

And so I went public

Okay...

The truth is...

I've been seeing someone for a while. But in typical Nicole fashion, I have kept it sort of on the down low and I was totally down playing it on here.

However...

I just made it Facebook official. Yeah, I'm in a relationship.

(That's weird... you know? Dating during social media...)

I kept wondering - when do you go public? Do you have a conversation about it? How does it work?

Ugh.

Which forces people to sort of "have the conversation"... you know? 

This guy... and yes, I'll tell you his name - Big Guy. Yep.. that's his name for here.. (I say that because he is 6'3 and sort of big.. as in.. he used to be a cage fighter... and a bouncer... for fun. Uh.. yeah.) Not big as in obese.. big as in solid as a rock. Muscles... you know?

Anyway... Big Guy and I went out on a few dates back in.. late July and sort of hung out for a few weeks or so, or maybe it was a month.. I don't know... I lose track, because I was dating other people at the same time. Then I sort of put it on hold, because someone else came into my life that I had a little crush on.. and that sort of quickly became a "friends only" thing. Anyway.. when that ended, I sort of called Big Guy back up and was like... "Okay.. Okay... I'm ready."

He's a good guy. He's a hard working guy. He's from Florida and only moved to Georgia back in June. I've met his family... they adore me. He had Thanksgiving with mine (here at my house...) and he was living in Dublin....

Well.... he wanted to be closer.. so he got an apartment in Macon, in a complex right near mine. Yep.. sort of neighbors.. but not. Not bad, eh? He seems to adore me, and my room mate says he is genuinely a nice guy and agrees he seems to be happy with me. Though he brought up the "relationship thing" a while back.. and I brushed him off... I finally broke down and had the talk.

Anyway... we spent the entire weekend hanging out, and finally I was like.. "Okay.. we're together. We're not seeing anyone else. Is this a thing or what?"

He laughed and said, "Oh Lord... labels."

I said, "oh - no... you don't get off the hook that easy. The last few guys I've dated were like that. Either you are in.. or you need to free up my time."

He smiled... he hugged me... and said, "Of course. I'm in."

Sooo.. now I can relax and just enjoy the company of one person for a while. It's nice.

But that whole social media thing. I did it.. because I constantly get things from people saying they want to set me up with someone, or they know how tough it is to be single, or always shooting advice my way.. and honestly.. I just wanted to say to the world - "I've moved on. I'm okay."

And I have.

This does not mean this is my one and only.

It just means.. this is my right now. I choose him. I'm going to relax now, and just go with the flow.

Trust

I woke up this morning with the realization that I made it through September. *exhale a sigh of relief*

I'm moving into another chapter, another phase - one for which I am completely unprepared for. I have discovered that when faced with myself, I still have a lot of healing to do.

It all boils down to trust - and I am in short supply.

It's going to be the thorn that pokes in my side. Why? Because all of my experiences with love and life and loss all boil down to broken trust.

That's a hard road to travel.

Some people are lucky. They simply find and attract the people, places, instances that are trustworthy. For whatever reason, I do the opposite. Never knew why...

Clearly it has something to do with me.

I've got to heal that, or I will be toxic to another person or situation.

I decided this morning that I need to pull myself closer to God. He has opened new doors and windows and I need to be fully invested in the present. I need to stop looking behind me, and I need to stop wondering how the story will end (or assuming I know how it will end.) I need to only concentrate on today, keep a positive attitude and stop being so damned afraid of getting hurt.

And like that..

Hmm..

You know, they say when you least expect it, someone will walk into your life and just make it a little better.

A few months ago, I sort-of reconnected with an old friend. We did not really know one another well, but our paths crossed numerous times and we knew a lot of the same people. As with everything in my life, the timing was just bad. His mom was sick, and he was flirting with the idea of getting back together with an old girl friend. Then the mom died, and the girl stuck around. We continued to talk, joke, and we laughed and said that it probably just would not happen in this lifetime.

Then.. well.. it did.

He settled his family affairs.
He told the girl that he needed to move on.
Then he called me and said, "Let's get together."

And so it begins.

Apparently we are going to give this thing a go. Slowly....

He is one year older than I.. divorced... extremely tall... and extremely talented. A New Orleans trained chef and local musician. A funny guy.. and seems to have a heart of gold.

The jury is still out on what will come of any of this. But.. it's nice to know that someone I am actually interested in is equally interested in me.

Time will tell..

When Do You Say When?

Photo: Unknown Source

I've had a few conversations lately with friends and co-workers about "When is enough, enough?" When should you throw in the towel and discontinue whatever path you are currently on?

Perhaps it is a decision with a hobby. Have you invested hundreds of dollars to take up this new adventure and somewhere along the way you just sort of lost interest? Do you toy with the idea of just moving on, or do you feel some sort of guilt due to the money you invested?

Maybe you have a talent, a true God-given talent, and you could choose to pursue that route in your life, but you've lost interest or maybe it's just too difficult.

Perhaps it's a job you are currently in. You find yourself going through the day to day motions, but that passion, that spark that once set you on fire is now fizzling out and all of you can think of is how different your life would be if you made some changes.

Finally, the hardest one of all, is deciding whether or not to continue a relationship with either a friend or partner. I know we have all found ourselves in that situation where you have put more into the friendship/partnership than the other person has. Are you the one who always checks in on the friend? Does that friend always dictate where you go/what you do/how long you hang out? How about that partner - does he/she support your dreams? Do they treat you with the same respect you give them? Do they truly make you feel loved?

These are questions we all ponder. When the fizzle of passion for a hobby, a talent, a job, a friendship or a partner begins to dwindle - we have to stop and ask ourselves what is the root of the problem here? Is it me? Is it them? Is it just God's way of saying, "Your work is done here."

It's hard to decide when to say when. 

I was skimming through a book I picked up at the library last week called, "Taking Out Your Emotional Garbage," by Georgia Shaffer. The author basically encourages you to "toss and recycle" your emotions, keep life-affirming ones, and discard the ones that hinder healthy relationships.  She shares real-life scenarios in a wide variety of situations and I am sure you would nod your head, like I did, through out the book. We've all been there. 

One suggestion she gave was to give it up to God. Now that may look different for you, maybe releasing whatever feelings you have and seeing how it feels, but for me it is to give this to God. I have a few places in my life where I need to do this, as I am sure you need to in some areas of your life. The trick is to not feel guilty for feeling like you can't fix the situation. Forgive yourself and the other person/coworker/yourself if it is a guilt/hobby thing for whatever may have put you in this situation. Finally, be patient. You will know when the time is right. 

In some areas of my life I have tried two tactics. I have tried slowly moving forward, and seeing how it feels, seeing how it changes my perspective. Then I have tried resolving the issue. Attempting to heal what may have been broken. Now that is the hardest one to do. 

I suppose I am at a point where if I can't fix it and it won't heal on its on, I have no choice but to give it to God and pray that the sign will be clear. Sometimes we are paralyzed with making big decisions. Things change, people change - and I like to be patient and let those changes occur. However... the question still remains... when do you say when?