I'm not an "I Love you" and hugs type of daughter.
Why?
Because I do not come from a mother who does that.
My mom and I have a very strange relationship. I'm not going to get into all of the reasons, but know that I get it and I'm good with it.
Mother's Day is this Sunday, and honestly, I had totally forgotten about it until my SG asked what I was doing for my mom.
The thought had not even crossed my mind.
Between my packing to move, writing assignments, weekends with SG, and work at the museum and with the boards - my mind draws a blank. Yes, that translates to being completely self involved.
Which I am.
I'll admit it.
Moving on...
What I thought I would do for THIS Throwback Thursday is share some of my favorite memories about my mother. Sound good?
*****Here's the embarrassing part.... I have sat here for 5 minutes trying to come up with something***
It is not that I don't have fond memories, it is that when I think of my mother, I think of how much she pushed me as a child. Looking back, I suppose I was a bit of a people pleaser. I wanted nothing more than for people to love me and tell me I was a good little girl. I'm not quite sure why I can't remember a lot of that from my mother. I mean, she was always there. She was a stay at home mother while I was in school, up until I was in high school. She was the homeroom mom, the PTA president and my Girl Scout leader for 6 years. She was at every dance class, theater performance, silly awards ceremony... and yet, I can't remember smiles, or congrats, or anything like that.
That's a terrible thing to say.
I'm sure there were wonderful things...
But in my twisted little psyche, it is hard for me to remember.
My mom, by definition, was a pusher. She wanted me to have the best grades, get the best parts in ballet, create a path for myself and do my very best. Be the best. Do your best. You are better than this. Etc.. etc.. etc.
It was drilled into me. She wanted me to succeed, and by all means, I believe I did... though, I never feel like it is good enough.
Which is what I remember the most.
Never being good enough.
A lot of that is just me... my way of interpreting events that took place.
Because she wanted the best for me, I did make good grades in elementary school. Because she pushed, I was one of the youngest in the advanced ballet classes. Because I was told I can do better, I did do better by not doing drugs or engaging in the wrong type of behavior in high school. Because she wanted nothing more than for me to succeed, I actually went to college and graduated (straight through,) and did exactly what I said I was going to do at the age of 12.
That's got to count for something.
So on this Throwback Thursday, I say thank you to my pusher - my Mom.
I did everything you hoped I would.
That definitely counts for something.
1 comment:
I get the distance between your mother and yourself. I had felt that with my own mom more, because I lived a different life than her. The irony is she has lived with me the past 12 years, and I can see my good points and bad points are exactly like her. I have a feeling you will get the same resolution one day.
What really struck me were your comments about the poor whites in your high school. I have noticed that dysfunction as a teacher.
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