Need to Get Out of My Own Head

I work daily at trying to keep my inner curmudgeon at bay. I realize that I have a natural propensity to being dry, sarcastic, and sometimes a little too much of a realist. I get it. It's been brought to my attention and I work hard at not being that person.

With that being said, today was a true test of my faith and character. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

A few weeks ago, my sister was undergoing some tests for breast cancer. They found a mass in one breast and several nodules in the other, along with a host of other symptoms, and honestly the outcome was not looking good, so that whole thing was laying underneath the surface of my every day. The what ifs were racing through my brain, and finally, last night, I came to some peace about most of it. 

Just last week, I got really, really sick. It started with vomiting and diarrhea (gorgeous thought, right?) Followed by a burning, hacking cough that made me feel like I was suffocating. I was stressed out about it because I had a pending birthday trip and I am one of the millions without health insurance. Luckily, one of my board members gave me an array of strong drugs and within about a week, it wiped it out. BUT, my birthday/Valentine's trip was sort of a bust because, honestly, I did not feel well. I was a bit of a negative nelly about the whole thing, just overly bummed out over not feeling well. I slept a ton and just lay around feeling like absolute shit. 

I was feeling sort of morose over my transitional lifestyle, age, this and that, and the unknown future. I sent SG a text saying I was really in a dark place and needed a healthy dose of positivity. 

After a good night's sleep, I awoke to another day - but this time, I felt tons better and was genuinely in a good mood. I got my car out of the shop (the bumper was replaced after my sister crashed into it.) I got to interview, in person, Matt Catingub, who happens to be: the Artistic Director and Conductor of the Glendale Pops in Los Angeles, California, the
Artistic Director and founder of the Hawaii Pops in Honolulu, Hawaii, the Artistic Director and founder of the Macon Pops in Macon, Georgia, the Festival Pops Conductor of the New Hampshire Music Festival, the Past Pops Conductor for the Honolulu Symphony, the Hawaii Symphony, and the New Mexico Symphony. Pretty impressive, right? THEN I got to interview Steve Moretti. He is a Multi Grammy®-nominated and two-time Telly Award winning drummer and percussionist, plus he can also be seen and heard, playing live in the Clint Eastwood film,  “Jersey Boys!” He toured with Matt  and the legendary Rosemary Clooney for six years and recorded two Grammy®-nominated CDs with them on Concord Records: Sentimental Journey and The Last Concert. He has appeared on the Today Show, The View, the Rosie O’Donnell Show and Christmas Special, an NBC special, An Evening with Scott Hamilton and Friends, A&E, PBS, and Oregon ArtBeat. They sat in my office and joked around about all of the fun they have had traveling all over the world. This is the 4th story I have worked on them for. As I sat across from them, I thought to myself, I'm doing it.

Do I realize it?

I'm doing it. I've had the chance to interview folks who did big things on a big level. I have told their story. I have a bit of friendship with some of these folks. I need to appreciate this and realize that I set out to do what I planned to do. I am successfully freelancing. It's all good. So that picked my spirits up. 

Then after a brief conversation with my coworkers, we realized that one of them had never visited my church, St. Joseph's in Macon. It's absolutely beautiful. An amazing cathedral. I know, I know.. we all think our churches are beautiful.. but.. 

Exactly.

It's incredible 

So we decided to pop in, and lo and behold, we walked right in at the tail end of an organ concert. Not only did I get to show off the church, my co worker, who happens to be a pianist, got the chance to hear our organ. It was magical. 

 Again - another reminder that God was there. I went over to the candles and lit one for my sister, hoping we would receive good news today.
After church, we headed over to Molly's cafe and had a delightful lunch. It had been a while since I ate there, and it was nice when the waitress remembered me. Sort of made me feel appreciated and its the little things like that.. that make the difference. Little did she know that I was having a hard time feeling positive lately, but she made me feel valued. Little. Tiny. Things.

I made it back to work and right before it was time to go, I thought I would call a few businesses down on Cotton Avenue for a story I am working on about the history of the street. I decided to give one book store a call, because I had remembered the wife of the store owner mentioning one day how much he wanted some promotion. So I called him. 
.....
He was rude. Basically implying he did not have time for me or the story. Now.. I've been in the store. It's mostly empty. I'm pretty sure he had a minute to answer two questions and I KNOW he needs the exposure. He basically was rude and blew me off. 

Now.. this is just a thing right? But remember the weeks I've been having, and I was genuinely coming to him in good faith, trying to include his little shop into something special about the tiny avenue he works on. But in turn, I got slapped in the face. For what? Who knows. I was reminded in that moment of that Buddhist saying and it goes something (loosely) like this: When someone lashes out at you, don't take it personally. It is a signal of the inner wars they are battling and they are spilling out onto you.
Yeah.
Or the guy is an asshole and made a girl who was already having a shitty new year into an even worse year.
Thanks, dude. I will NEVER patron your business. 

Moving on... 

I interview other folks and drove home. So my good feeling went from up to down to.. I stopped at a restaurant for a to-go order and the waitress complimented my shirt. Again.. simple little thing, but it made me feel good. And once again, order was restored to my world.

And yes.. my sister's results came in. She is cancer free. There is a mass and it was very suspicious, and honestly, we were all expecting the worst, but it turned out okay. What a huge burden removed! 

But I got back into my own head again. 

I was reading the nominees for the 11th Hour awards, and man oh man.. I wanted the Cannonball House and Beards, Bourbon, & Bacon to be nominated. I fought for years to get the Tubman on there, and finally it was. But man.. my little place was not. 

Boo. 

I work my ass off to make the places I am at shine and be the best, and I think people enjoy them, but man.. sometimes I feel ridiculously under appreciated. Why do I even try? Then I realized, I need to get out of my own head. I'm fabulous, damn it. Seriously. I'm not bragging, it just is what it is. I have a kick ass job, and I'm running that business like a boss. (Well.. I am a boss.) We've made HUGE strides. I'm doing my thing, I have great friends, let go of the dead weight, am getting healthier each year, and I know, without a doubt, I am doing it well. 

I always bloom where I am planted. 
Perhaps it's time to change the soil? 
For now, I'll change the direction I am standing. I need to be in the sun, with other wildly vibrant flowers, not sitting among the row of basic flowers, doing the same old thing, in the same old fishbowl. 

It's time to embrace me and celebrate me and get out of my own damn head. I'm a problem solver, now I need to go solve some of my own problems.

Signed,

A perfectionist