Trust

I woke up this morning with the realization that I made it through September. *exhale a sigh of relief*

I'm moving into another chapter, another phase - one for which I am completely unprepared for. I have discovered that when faced with myself, I still have a lot of healing to do.

It all boils down to trust - and I am in short supply.

It's going to be the thorn that pokes in my side. Why? Because all of my experiences with love and life and loss all boil down to broken trust.

That's a hard road to travel.

Some people are lucky. They simply find and attract the people, places, instances that are trustworthy. For whatever reason, I do the opposite. Never knew why...

Clearly it has something to do with me.

I've got to heal that, or I will be toxic to another person or situation.

I decided this morning that I need to pull myself closer to God. He has opened new doors and windows and I need to be fully invested in the present. I need to stop looking behind me, and I need to stop wondering how the story will end (or assuming I know how it will end.) I need to only concentrate on today, keep a positive attitude and stop being so damned afraid of getting hurt.

My rose tinted glasses are cracked

No doubt about it - I'm having a hard time staying positive the past few days. 

I wake up, in a fairly decent mood, considering the fact that I wake up with two cats swarming my face and attacking my feet. I push snooze, maybe once or twice, just to allow myself a few more minutes sleep before I tackle the day - only to wake up in an empty house with a thousand details to be attended to before I even make it out the door.

Honestly, I don't know why that's such a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I never had anyone to make me coffee in the morning, or have breakfast waiting on me. If anything even remotely close to that was going to happen, it would always be me doing it for the other person. 

Basically I am the one responsible for stumbling out of bed, feeding and cleaning up after cats, taking care of myself, and some how making it to work on time. But here is where the problem ends up rearing it's ugly head- once I set foot out of that door, all bets are off. It's me against the word and the 5000 battles I will endure that day. We all experience it... so this is nothing new to report. Everything from negotiating traffic, to paying bills on time, to meeting the demands of a high pressure job, to fulfilling all of our community commitments, to somehow finding the time to nourish my soul.

All of this is just life. I get it - so I tend to try on a new pair of rose colored glasses from time to time and simply hope and pray for the best.

The challenging part for me these days? No support. No safety net. No one to say, "Hey girl.. I've got your back."

Yesterday, I spent some time in Savannah with three other friends. We are all in a transitional period of our lives - post divorce/break ups/moves/jobs.. you name it. We're all successful, strong women in our own right, and have weathered our storms incredibly well. As we were driving back from our trip, we were sharing what everyone looks for in a partner. I sort of rattled off some silly things that I wish I could find in someone:

- I need a grill master. I miss having someone cook for me. (It's been years - that's the problem with marrying a non-American, they don't grill out.)
- Someone tall. It's just a requirement of mine.
- Someone with an excellent sense of humor.
- A great conversationalist.
- Someone who balances me out. (Calmer than I... Centered... less frivolous with $$)
- Someone not overly involved with the arts. (Seriously... I need a break from this from time to time)
- Finally.. and this was the piece de resistance:
someone who will just say to me... "Don't worry girl, I've got your back."

See, the problem is... I've never felt like I could trust anyone, or depend on anyone for anything. I'm incredibly independent and a bit of a problem solver, and for me.. I just want to have someone to come home to and let my guard down with.

Is that too much to ask?

What I've realized over the past couple of weeks... I've never had that. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not in college, not as a young adult, never with anyone I was married to...

I just sort of had to do it all by myself.

I know I'm not the only one. You may very well be exactly the same... 

What I have realized is that by not setting up any expectations for other people, I have not had any of my needs met. I pretend that I will be okay, and everything will be okay.. and yes, I do utter from time to time, "I know God will handle this and it will all work out in the end."
But God also gave us other people so that we can have a soft place to fall. I just have not been lucky enough to identify my safety net. In other words... I am trying hard to remain positive on those harder than normal days.. but there is a bit of a crack in my rose-tinted glasses and I find I'm working a little harder than normal to remain positive. 

It's all a process, and one I am trying to understand and trudge through. I know we all have our own little battles to conquer, and I honestly hope that by my sharing this process, maybe someone out there can say.. "hey.. it's not just me."

One Word - Trust.

You would think after all of these years, I would finally get it. That I would finally understand that people.. simply.. can NOT be trusted.

Period.

I'm not even talking about telling a secret. Sure, that's a form of breaking someone's trust. Typically, if I tell someone something, I will always back it up if I get called out on it. 

No.. I am talking about good-old-fashioned-self indulgent - hateful - out for yourself - BACK STABBING.

Yuck.
Triple yuck.

Do you remember the last time you were back stabbed? Wait.. let's define it. I wonder if there is an actual definition. Indulge me for a sec.. 

Looks like Merriam Webster has an actual definition.. and apparently, I'm misspelling it - it's backstabbing (one word) :
  betrayal (as by a verbal attack against one not present) especially by a false friend

— back·stab verb

— back·stab·ber noun

Examples of BACKSTABBING

1. She was hurt by her former friend's backstabbing.
2. backstabbing

to an art form>

First Known Use of BACKSTABBING

1946

Related to BACKSTABBING

Synonyms

betrayal, business, disloyalty, double cross, faithlessness, falseness, falsity, infidelity, perfidy, sellout, treachery, treason, two-timing, unfaithfulness

Those are all excellent words to use.

What I want to experience is more of the antonyms:

 

allegiance, devotion, faithfulness, fealty, fidelity, loyalty, staunchness, steadfastness 

My question is - How do you deal with backstabbers (in a professional manner?) Now this may be a personal attack amongst friends or a family member, or this could be someone you work with? I hear people share stories with me all of the time that just really make me sad for the other person. Friends against friend, co-worker against co-worker... it's never ending. Why do we do it and more importantly, what can we do about it?

I actually googled it, and WikiHow has 10 steps. (Seriously!)

1.  Ask your friend if you can have an important, quiet chat together. Tell your friend that you've heard negative rumors about you that were apparently sourced from your friend and that you're trying to clear up things as quickly and carefully as possible.

2.  Clarify your position. If the things said are only known by that friend, make this clear when bringing it up. There is little point in beating around the bush when this is clearly the case. However, say it kindly and with tact.

3.  Speak Calmly. Yelling and getting over-emotional usually doesn't help the situation. Talk in a calm voice.

4.  Seek out your friend's side of the story before making assumptions about what has happened. Use open-ended questions to encourage discussion and avoid asking specific ones or grilling your friend. Simply ask what happened. Listen attentively and stay sympathetic. 

5.  ell your side of the story next. Keep a calm and steady voice and use words that express your feelings. Avoid making statements that are accusations. Simply explain how their actions have made you feel. Be as nice as possible but don't sound desperate, accusatory or angry. Stick to the known facts and preface anything you're unsure about with comments such as "I don't know if it's true but X said...", etc. to show that you are still trying to make sense of the unknown, rather than presuming anything. 

6.  Bear in mind that people who are more removed from you than your friend may have an ax to grind or simply like to stir up trouble. It is important to keep an open mind before launching into accusing your friend of letting you down and spreading rumors about you. Consider what you know about the people who have fed the stories back to you and what their agenda might be. Consider also why you think your friend might have said something she or he shouldn't have––perhaps something slipped out without meaning to, perhaps a mistaken belief that someone else knew something caused your friend to elaborate or perhaps your friend was clueless about the real intentions of the person she or he spoke with. While your friend's reasons aren't excuses for their own behavior over which they have control, they are important aspects for you to consider when working out how you feel about the friendship from this time forth.

7.  Ask your friend if you have done something to bring on this bout of backstabbing. It's important to know whether you have somehow (even if the logic behind your friend's thinking is illogical, odd or wrong) contributed to this state of affairs. Perhaps they think that you've hurt them in some way and that this is a way of "getting back" at you for something you've said or done. Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding. At this point, it's important to clarify the possibility that your friend sees things in this light.

8.  Tell your friend that you consider that friendship is stronger than rumors and gossip, and that you're absolutely willing to work through whatever has happened to restore the trust in your friendship and move forward from this episode.

9.  Slowly build back trust. Do not let these wounds stay forever and block ability to share secrets or be open and honest with another person. Life brings us trialing moments where trust gets broken, however temporarily or easily. The way in which we respond to that breach of trust says much about our own character as well as about the other person. The more resilient we are, the more likely we are to be merciful and give a person we care about another chance, setting aside outrage as an excuse to stay stuck in being hurt ourselves. Try once more and give your friend another chance, especially given the boundaries you've set together from the previous step.

10.  Decide what to do if your friend is not willing to ever discuss or overcome the lapse in judgment and where you feel that the friendship is no longer viable due to a breach of trust or irreparable differences. Perhaps this isn't the first time it has happened, or perhaps your friend is already moving on from your friendship and this was a cheap shot way to rupture it. In such cases, protect yourself and go into damage control.

Tell me about a time you were backstabbed and how did you handle it?

Thank you, Old Nicole

One of the coolest things happened yesterday as I drove home. I had the windows down, the sun roof open, the music blaring, my shades on and my hair blowing in the breeze. The trees covering the road would sometimes allow for a cool breeze to come through and give me the chills, and just as quickly as the breeze would brush through, a stream of sunshine sent rays of warmth across my skin. I was alive. I was mindful. I was happy.

I felt such a huge rush of joy and gratefulness. All I could think about is what a truly remarkable opportunity God has given me. My life is by no means boring, and a lot of that is because I am constantly seeking new opportunities to be inspired. It's my passion.

I am so happy that life has dealt me the blows it has, and the triumphs as well. I am proud of my accomplishments, and no matter what anyone says, or how someone says it - I know what I went through to make the few excellent things happen. I know. God knows. That should be enough.

I felt such a sense of potential balance yesterday. I felt toxin free. It was a glorious drive, a rare moment when I am not just teeming with anxiety. Whether it is rational or irrational, my body produces so much adrenaline all the time that it is next to impossible to just relax. But I did, and I did it well.

I saw the quote above this morning- "Do something your future self will thank you for later," and it reminded me of all of the properly calculated chances I have taken in life. Even the crazy ones. I chose to expose myself, to try something new, to taste something different, to challenge my thought process - and I am better for it today. I am not perfect, I am still only human, but I have an open mind (though, I have to remind myself to keep it open,) and I have an open heart - something I never thought was possible.

I find it ironic that as soon as I find a little peace in my life, the negative nellys start knocking at my door. I am working hard to keep the Eeyore's in my life at bay. I keep saying over and over - 'You can't control what they do. You can only control your reaction.' I have to let that part of my personality go. It does no good.

What are you thankful for these days? That little something you did in the past, that has made all the difference now.

Trust - Part Two

Oh boy... here we go...

I was trying to help my sister get back into the game of writing for her blog again. I thought I would give her 7 words for 7 days. I randomly wrote the first words that came to mind. I gave her trust. You can read her entry at Phantasmagorical Literarium. I have to say, her entry was almost heart breaking. Why? Because I feel like I played a role in some of her issues with trust.

Here's the thing - I can be a blatant bitch when I want to be. Let me rephrase, I don't want to be a bitch - I just am. I hate that about me. Hell, even as a kid I was a little devil. Not at school. Not at ballet. But at home.

Our home was.. well.. explosive. Dad was always at work, mom was at home (a creative spirit stressed out with two kids and putting her dreams on hold.) She (the mom) has a very explosive temper - yelling was all too common. Name calling, insensitive reactions, and verbal slaps were her M.O. Guess what this little girl learned? Don't we pick up the actions, words, reactions of our parents.

I guess God created me to be quite the Survivor. For a little kid - I could seriously take some crap and you would hardly see a tear. I learned early on, tears are a sign of weakness and I should not waste one single one.

In turn, I took out my frustrations on my little sister. Mom used to play us against each other a little - showing a bit more attention, love, and praise to the younger one. I, in turn, learned a behavior that I am not proud of - I could prey on the weakness and use words in ways you could not believe to strike back at any one even attempting to steal my joy. Quick to analyze, quick to respond. Was excellent for debate - not so great for relationships.

I noticed something my sister wrote in her post - about worrying about kids picking on her for the way she looked. My God in heaven - I am guilty as charged. Kids are mean as hell - and I was super duper mean to my little sister.

It's not fair. It's not right. And I pray to God for forgiveness for ever making anyone cry based on anything I ever said.

Trust is a hard thing to find - and if those closest to you are not teaching you that you have a foundation that is strong and will protect you - how will you ever learn to trust? I know, because I never really felt that protection.

Whether or not my perception of past events are indeed reality - that is what I took away from the negative side of things. Yes, there was waaaaay more good. Yes, my parents are good people. Frustrations, aggravation - it's all a part of raising kids.

My hope is to learn to be more trustworthy. To learn to be that rock for those who may need it. If I can ever get to that point, wow - I will have accomplished the seemingly impossible.