Oh Bloody Hell (aka Name Change)

Ugh.

Today did NOT start out overly fantastic. Let's just say that relationships are tricky, especially the old ones. I got a call early this morning from my ex-husband, the egyptian. In the past few months, we have been getting along splendidly, however, we apparently have run into a speed bump - the new wife.

As it is, my ex is still close to my niece and to my family. We all went to lunch a couple of weeks ago, and he, my niece, and I took a pic together. No. Big. Deal.

Apparently it was a big deal to his new wife. So much so that he was asked to call me to take it down off FB.

Good times.

AND... if you know my red-blooded American temper, I proceeded to lose my shit. I think there is no other way to put it. I basically lost my temper. THIS coming from the same woman who was having a relationship with my husband before we divorced... but that is neither here nor there.

I digress.

Anyway... it was the catalyst to finally get me to go change my last name legally. Yes - I have been Abdou since 2009, and it was finally time to brave Superior Court, brave the DMV, and the bank, and a host of other places I have to get in touch with to change my name.

But here's the catch - it sort of got to me. As I was pulling out of the parking lot of the DMV, I looked at my new ID. There I am - smiling... with my original, God given birth name. It has been a while since I have seen that. I was married before the egyptian... so this is not my first rodeo. But it is the first time I have seen it since I was very young.

And so it goes... I am back to who I really am. Or who I should have been... or whatever.

Funny how the day turned out... funny how life changing those little acts were. Little did the girl at the DMV, or the clerk at the court house, or the banker at Wells Fargo- realize how difficult a day this was for me.. or how liberating it was.

To all of you who have gone through divorce, just know - you are not alone. I get it. Many don't. But I get it.

10 Tips For Dating In Your 40s

Found on u-topi-a.tumblr.com

You girls are so incredibly lucky. I've been out there trying to figure out this "dating in your 40s" thing, and all you have to do is read, learn, and apply. 

Where were you a year ago when I could use YOU? ;-)

So let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Suddenly one of the big birthdays pass. Yes, you are in a whole new decade, and if you are anything like me, that in and of itself brings its own worries and concerns. But this go around, you find yourself flying solo, and the only problem with that is, for once in your life, you might actually could use someone by your side. You don't want to be the "old person" in the bar, and you definitely don't want to attend the next gala alone, so what do you do?

Pray? Sure. That will help in the long run, but what about some actual practical advice?

I've got you covered. 

These are things I have learned.. and boy oh boy... it's like going through puberty again and trying to figure out how all of this works.

1. Rebound- I don't care what anyone else says, I think you need to find yourself a good rebound guy and just get it out of your system. Of course, you are going to develop some irrational crush on this person, and of course, they are going to NOT be the one for you, and yes, they will probably leave you high and dry - regardless, get it out of your system and be done with it. 

2. Put yourself out there. While visiting my favorite herb farm in Baldwin County, the owner of Olive Forge, Darrell, said to my roommate, "Well, sweetie. Mr. Right is not going to fall out of the sky and into your house." This is true. You can't sit at home pining away for the one that got away. Just get out there. Go to art openings, attend a festival, go to the library, take yourself to the movies, go to dinner - yes, even alone. Just go. I do it all the time, and there is something incredibly liberating about that. Not to mention, you'd be amazed at how more comfortable men feel approaching you when you are not surrounded by 5 of your friends.

3. Say yes to most dates - at first. I'll admit, I went on dates I knew would not go anywhere. But it was important for me to be able to just be comfortable talking with someone other than my ex. It's weird at first, and I think as females, we all understand what I am talking about. Plus, it's nice to have someone treat you to dinner, or make small talk, or try really hard to impress you. I can only imagine if your relationship/marriage just ended, you went awhile without all of the attention you deserve. So enjoy yourself - no one says the next guy is the one you have to settle down with.

4. Now that you have experienced a few dates, let's weed through the red flags. 
- Does he live with his parents?
- Does he constantly complain about money?
- Does he talk about his ex a lot?
- Does he talk poorly about his ex and about child support and other things pertaining to that.. a lot?
- Does he ask to borrow money?
- Does he only seem to want to come to your house, or you go to his, and nothing else?
- Does he seem to drink every - single - night?
- Does he ask you to do chores for him when you are around?
- Does he look at other women when the two of you are at dinner?
- Does he have you pay for dinner more often than not?
- Does he always prefer to do activities he is interested in and does not seem to listen?
- I could go on and on.... 
Needless to say - Back away from the guy immediately. Those red flags will become the death of anything good. You were given a fresh start, and I don't care how much of a crush you have on this guy - you DON'T want to end up in therapy during your first year of marriage. That's never a good sign.

5.  DO, however, try to date people you may not typically give a chance. Just see.. and be open to the process.

6. Remember - the effort should be equal. 

7. Monogamy before intimacy is a must. I'm not saying you have to marry the guy... just have some sort of commitment first. 

8. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and need. We are not 16 anymore, and technically, we can take care of ourselves. If you need a label, then ask for one. If you need more quality time, then ask for it. If he can't provide - then bye, bye. 

9.  Remember, at this age, people are looking for their future life partner. Make sure your non negotiables are covered before you make any long term commitments. There is no reason to squash your hopes and dreams now - again - treat this as a new lease on life!

10. Finally - remember, you will not make a good partner until you are okay with you. Let's be honest, getting in shape is sort of important when in dating. Heck, it should be throughout your relationship. I'm not saying any of us are ever going to have our 21 year old body back, but try to stay active, as best as you can. Take care of your skin. Buy the cute dress. Get your hair and nails done. You are back out there, and you need to look your best. Then work on the other parts of you - your spiritual side, your financial side, your interests side. Do you - and do it better than before!

PS - Please note, the ex may from time to time make an appearance, and yes, sometimes they pull some "I miss you card." Stay the course and DON'T look back. Happiness is around the corner for all of us. 

And then it hit me.

I hate to start this post off all morose... but something hit me yesterday. I think it is best that I write it out and leave it.

I came home from work, changed clothes, fed the cats - just getting my basic chores done. Finally, I decided I needed a cup of coffee. I selected the Pike Roast K cup from the little carosel and began the Keurig process. I discovered I needed to clean my coffee cup, so I did, and proceeded to wash my hands next. As I was washing my hands, I looked up and saw the calender that hangs above the sink.

I love this calendar, each month it show cases different herbs, spices, and sometimes edible flowers and other goodies. It's perfect for the kitchen. I love the fact that each month is geared toward items that would be growing or in season.

I happened to glance at the dates.. checking out when Thanksgiving is, pondering the fact that this year is almost over, when suddenly I noticed something I had written in red.

I glanced at the date.

November 17th.

I read the words - "Our Anniversary. 6 years."

I paused.

The water kept running. I stood there.

I gathered myself and turned off the water. Put my hand on the sink... and burst into tears.

I snapped a picture of the date and the words and sent HIM a text. I told him it brought a tear to my eye.

He answered three hours later...

"Damn. :-(       I'm speechless."

Things I've Learned Living Alone... again.

1. When you are sick, you have to push yourself a little harder than you normally would. YOU have to take yourself to the doctor. YOU have to take yourself to get the medicine. YOU have to set out the pills and set the clock. YOU have to clean up your own vomit.. even when you are already super sick. YOU have to disinfect everything when it's all over. Then the most important piece - YOU have to give yourself permission to live in a messier than normal house, that is, until you feel up to cleaning.

I suppose that would also mean YOU have to dial 911 for yourself... hmmm..

2. Heavy grocery bags = workout. No more asking someone else to help you bring stuff up. No one to help you reach those super high shelves. No one to call to bring home the milk. You have to be both strong and not forget to make multiple stops on your way home.

God forbid if you are sick. ;-)

3. You want to eat? YOU have to cook it all. No more waiting for someone to help chop the veggies, or pull the gross bloody meat out of the pack - it's all you.

4. Garbage piling up? It's up to YOU to take it to the dumpster.

5. Filthy tub or toilet? Guess who's stuck cleaning it? Also - toilet gets backup - no more calling in the heavy guns to help you.. it's all you kid. I am learning to become a bit of a plumber.

6. Litterbox issues? It's all me. Yes, I end up walking away - gagging and often times throwing up - but I have no choice.

7. Shoulders hurt? No massages for you. I have to use the back massager, followed by a dose of ibuprofen, then talk a hot bath, to end with a little IcyHot on the spot. If I'm lucky, I can book a massage.. but now that I live alone, who has an extra $75 to indulge? Not me.

8. Left overs. No one to eat them. In the trash they go. Which makes the trash heavier. Booo.

9. Bills? Oh well, sister. It's all you.

10. Finally.. having a bad day? No one to comfort you? Friends busy with their own families? Family busy with their needs? Everyone has something going on? It's up to you to comfort yourself. To treat yourself well. To take care of your needs.

In other words - living alone, and being alone is not for the weak. Not at all.

My rose tinted glasses are cracked

No doubt about it - I'm having a hard time staying positive the past few days. 

I wake up, in a fairly decent mood, considering the fact that I wake up with two cats swarming my face and attacking my feet. I push snooze, maybe once or twice, just to allow myself a few more minutes sleep before I tackle the day - only to wake up in an empty house with a thousand details to be attended to before I even make it out the door.

Honestly, I don't know why that's such a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I never had anyone to make me coffee in the morning, or have breakfast waiting on me. If anything even remotely close to that was going to happen, it would always be me doing it for the other person. 

Basically I am the one responsible for stumbling out of bed, feeding and cleaning up after cats, taking care of myself, and some how making it to work on time. But here is where the problem ends up rearing it's ugly head- once I set foot out of that door, all bets are off. It's me against the word and the 5000 battles I will endure that day. We all experience it... so this is nothing new to report. Everything from negotiating traffic, to paying bills on time, to meeting the demands of a high pressure job, to fulfilling all of our community commitments, to somehow finding the time to nourish my soul.

All of this is just life. I get it - so I tend to try on a new pair of rose colored glasses from time to time and simply hope and pray for the best.

The challenging part for me these days? No support. No safety net. No one to say, "Hey girl.. I've got your back."

Yesterday, I spent some time in Savannah with three other friends. We are all in a transitional period of our lives - post divorce/break ups/moves/jobs.. you name it. We're all successful, strong women in our own right, and have weathered our storms incredibly well. As we were driving back from our trip, we were sharing what everyone looks for in a partner. I sort of rattled off some silly things that I wish I could find in someone:

- I need a grill master. I miss having someone cook for me. (It's been years - that's the problem with marrying a non-American, they don't grill out.)
- Someone tall. It's just a requirement of mine.
- Someone with an excellent sense of humor.
- A great conversationalist.
- Someone who balances me out. (Calmer than I... Centered... less frivolous with $$)
- Someone not overly involved with the arts. (Seriously... I need a break from this from time to time)
- Finally.. and this was the piece de resistance:
someone who will just say to me... "Don't worry girl, I've got your back."

See, the problem is... I've never felt like I could trust anyone, or depend on anyone for anything. I'm incredibly independent and a bit of a problem solver, and for me.. I just want to have someone to come home to and let my guard down with.

Is that too much to ask?

What I've realized over the past couple of weeks... I've never had that. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not in college, not as a young adult, never with anyone I was married to...

I just sort of had to do it all by myself.

I know I'm not the only one. You may very well be exactly the same... 

What I have realized is that by not setting up any expectations for other people, I have not had any of my needs met. I pretend that I will be okay, and everything will be okay.. and yes, I do utter from time to time, "I know God will handle this and it will all work out in the end."
But God also gave us other people so that we can have a soft place to fall. I just have not been lucky enough to identify my safety net. In other words... I am trying hard to remain positive on those harder than normal days.. but there is a bit of a crack in my rose-tinted glasses and I find I'm working a little harder than normal to remain positive. 

It's all a process, and one I am trying to understand and trudge through. I know we all have our own little battles to conquer, and I honestly hope that by my sharing this process, maybe someone out there can say.. "hey.. it's not just me."

Sometimes We Cave

Tea Weather by La-Chapeliere-Folle

I'm not always on my game. Still - after all of the good I have in my life now, and all of the toxic that was removed... I still get a little sad from time to time.

Like yesterday, I decided to brave the terrible heat and humidity and take two large bags of trash to the dumpster. Sounds simple enough? But the dumpster is a block away, and in Georgia heat, that makes a simple trip a hardcore adventure. After I dropped off the remnants of food gone by, I made my way over to the mailbox. Inside that little metal cylinder was one small envelope. It had the attorney's name on it. 

Inside was the official, final proof that it is all done. 

I glanced to the left -Plaintiff vs Me. Final Decree of Divorce.

I knew it was coming; I was actually looking forward to this day. Then as all avid readers and writers do, I read one sentenced that struck me as cruel It said: And it is considered, ordered and decreed by the Court that the marriage contract heretofore entered into between the parties in this case, from and after this date, be and is set aside and dissolved as full effectually as if NO SUCH CONTRACT HAD EVER BEEN MADE OR ENTERED INTO. 

Say what?

Like the past 7 or so years were just a figment of my imagination. As if the first three, those beautiful, deeply in love years were just a dream. That the past three or four years that were absolute hell never made any marks or scars. Just fuggetaboutit. 

Huh?

So I caved. Tears ran down my face. Those years of begging, pleading, coaxing- anything I could do to save our marriage was just a complete waste of time. Oh... and don't forget, it had never been made or entered into.

I simply poured a glass of wine, put on my soft pink pajamas and listened to some soft rock. I was good, up until the sad songs came on, so I decided to start organizing the closets I have yet to go into since we moved in. 

What did I find? Photos. Some of his clothes. Items from our wedding. I grabbed everything (except for the photos) and dumped them in the trash. (Which means I have to brave the heat AGAIN.)

I then proceeded to make some mashed potatoes... pour another glass of wine and watch the freaking Hallmark Channel. Cats at my feet. Wine in hand. Cheesy movie.... and I just let the tears flow.

I think I needed to cleanse. I think I needed to say goodbye once and for all.

Things are good right now, don't get confused. I just have to let go of something I held onto soooooo hard for soooooo long. 

Simply put... I caved.