Yeah.. I get it

Day Two of trapped in the apartment. You would think a tornado swept through. It is slowly becoming a disaster area.

One thing I remember, when the egyptian first came to live here, he would always open the windows - regardless of whether or not there was a screen there. I would ask him, "Why are you opening the windows? One we have a cat, and two the a/c is on." He would always reply, "To air it out."

I am beginning to think we need to "air it out." How true is that - at least down here, we rarely open windows. The bugs alone in the subtropical climate are insane. But how nice to let in the fresh air - not just depend on the a/c and heater to be our source of "wind."

Another major difference I noticed was how we clean. The women in his country KNOW how to clean. Big time. Don't get me wrong, I know how to load the dish washer, the washing machine, run a vacuum, make a bed..

Their women? They don't use those modern conveniences.. instead they use that whole elbow grease concept. They actually get on their hands and knees and clean.

One of the funniest things is the realization that the chemicals they use are MUCH stronger. Here - we are protected from so many harsh substances, they are not. So when the egyptian wants his whites whiter - it just doesn't happen.

With that being said - it's time to do a thorough cleaning. The spot cleaning is not working, when you are in it every day.

Luckily - just two conference calls and maybe for "lunch" I can just scrub...

Ahh... where is my maid??

Passionate is such a better word!

It is so true, unfortunately.

I swear, if I did not want to turn into a total zombie, I would invest in medication to just level me out.

No - I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness to date. No, I am not bi-polar or depressive or manic. I am just moody and well, a bit of a control freak, who according to her parents was "spoiled" by her grandparents. WHATEVER. ;-)

High strung is a really good way to describe me. Passionate is the word I would prefer you use.

I am! Super passionate about a lot of things. I am not afraid to share my point of view with you. No - I don't go on the attack, instead I look for situations where I can share my vision and "passion."

Some subjects get me completely wired: Animal Rights for one. OMG - I will go cuckoo for cocoa puffs over hurt animals. Any time that commercial with Sarah Mclachlan and ASPCA comes on I want to throw something at the TV. Or when I see one of those random viral videos about the crazy artic hunters beating those beautiful white seals over the head with a bat.. I have to admit I react very strongly. I have a wonderful collection of stickers from PETA. If you get a letter from me (especially bills) I tend to add one of my stickers to them.

The Amnesty International commercials dealing with human rights will send me spinning into a major letter writing campaign to random delegates and high officials around the world. I get crazy mad about that type of stuff. The song "Imagine" by John Lennon is played over a PSA which a little girl is "molested" (well.. not actually - but it is implied) and another woman is beaten by her partner. Stuff like that makes me want to start picketing the streets and screaming "Down with the Penis." LOL I can't help it - makes me mad.

Then when it comes to politics - lord have mercy - I have such strong opinions. I blame my Foreign Relations teacher in High School - Mrs. Virginia Phillips. One of the best teachers I have ever had - but she got me so fired up about politics and the world around me, it is hard for me to make it to work while listening to NPR. I instead want to hop the next flight to DC and start lobbying the latest issue I get so passionate about.

Another tough conversation to have with me deals with Women Rights - and man oh man, I am living and breathing it. I know I have alluded to it in the past, but I live with an old-school chauvinist. Unfortunately it is conditioned in him. He is an arab. Lord have mercy - talk about starting the sparks up! LOL It can get quite comical on the differences between us. But I have to admit, after talking to a good friend that is very much Italian and married to an Italian and another that is Mexican - it's quite the norm in sooo many cultures. (PS - these are Americans.. lived here their entire lives.) Just a different culture.

You just got to love our differences in this world - even if they make us a little crazy!!

PS - I added those PSAs I mentioned:


BTW - this guys goes on and on and on... if you can skip forward.. you will see the stickers I am talking about (the ones I use to make my friends annoyed! And at least one bill collector or two laugh. ) ;-)

Defining Roles

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

I think one of the hardest parts of having a multi-cultural marriage is defining roles. The expectations are vastly different, so the adjustment period takes a little longer.

In a "westernized" Americana marriage - we are pretty clear how that works. The man is still thought to be the "provider", however the wife is equally working to make sure not only do they have everything, that they have more than they could have ever hoped for. Then the wife, husband, and kids all participate in the cooking, the cleaning, and basic budgeting of the home. The husband will take care of the yard work, and of course the yucky things like: taking out the trash, cleaning up the toilet, or whatever the wife deems "gross." The kids are responsible for the dishes.

Obviously, when it comes to the nest itself - the wife rules the roost. She will decide how things are decorated, where things will go, what is needed. The husband will traditionally want to pick out the barbecue, the lawn mower, the big screen tv with surround sound.. etc. These are the basic "rules" of the roost.

That's how I understand it to be.

Then I was blessed to be paired with a middle eastern man. There are so many joys that come with that. But understanding the cultural differences have been a difficult boat to row. First of all, before we got married I asked my now-husband, "Do you have any expectations of what a wife should do?"

I thought it was a fair question. I found that most of my problems (when it came to domestic items) in my first marriage fell around the expectations & compromise arena. Of course, he said, "No, no. Just normal."

Normal.

What is your norm?

Well, here is where I messed up. I did not ask him to define his norm.

In his world - the wife is the second in command. She cleans (perfectly), cooks (three square meals), and remains modest and demure. Most women in his country do not work, instead they have children.

So here I am, with a full time job, working my tail off (I wish literally.. unfortunately no matter how hard I work - my ass is still there), and then I am expected to be the only one who cleans, the only one who cooks - BUT - the trick is, it is typically frowned on for me to make any "household" decisions. Down to the decorating - he redecorated the house to his specifications.

Now before you get your feathers ruffled - this does not have to be a negative thing. This is a cultural thing.

I understand that. However, it does not make it any easier to adjust to. This past year of marriage has been a period of adjustment. For both of us.

For one, we both have very strong personalities. I like that. I needed a man who would stand up to me, and not let me run all over him. I like to be in control - and so does my husband. It is teaching BOTH of us to let go a little. That has been the hardest part for us.

I am completely outspoken. (I guess you never realized that.. right? ;-) ) He is adjusting to a woman who will speak her mind.. and I have to admit, I generally speak my mind more than the average person, so don't think this is normal. It honestly gets me in trouble with my american friends.

What I am embracing now is our new "defined" roles. I am learning to be the one who is expected to clean. Okay. If this is what I have to do to have a happy husband, I will do it. I am finally establishing a routine, and I am not so lazy about it. Not that I was ever dirty - I just would let things slide through out the week, then on the weekend spend a majority of my Saturday cleaning. NOW - I only spend about 30 minutes cleaning on Saturday, and this new way of life has afforded me the opportunity to have more time to myself. If you can believe that?

He is learning to be more patient. He is learning to accept the fact that I work a very busy, sometimes stressful job, and is a bit more understanding if I don't feel like doing a load of laundry.

Big purchases, we have not had to deal with that yet. I am sure that will be a completely different post. Decorating - we are still in negotiations for a new couch and wall color... I used to be on a debate team, I know I can win this one! LOL

Yes, this seems petty and silly - but let's be honest. Those of us in a relationship (living together or married) know this is the domestic life. As much as I try to avoid it - I have one.

What roles have you defined in your own relationship? How did you get to the point you have a routine? What works for you? What did not work?

Cultural Changes

Many friends have asked me what is it like to live in a multi-cultural home? This is more than a catholic living with a protestant. It's more than a mexican-american living with a white or black american.

This is learning to live with someone who literally set foot on American soil one year ago this Friday.

Needless to say, we come from two completely different backgrounds, belief systems, cultural and social norms and ethnicities.

If you have not figured it out from my previous blog posts - I am married to a man by the name of Yasser. I tend to call him "the egyptian." Why? He's Egyptian.

Yasser was born in April of 1981 in Alexandria, Egypt.
Alexandria is a major populated city. It is the second largest city in Egypt with about 11.9 million people living there. Needless to say, he grew up in a major metropolitan area. Not only did he grow up in the "big city", he also grew up on the Mediterranean Sea. Sooo.. he is a coastal guy. He told me he grew up eating fresh seafood at least 5 times a week.

Yasser went to university in Beirut, Lebanon. Later he worked in both Syria and Jordan. Now, he is in America.

He speaks three languages: Arabic (his native), English and French. He speaks most dialects of Arabic.

Then let's talk about where Egypt is - it's North Africa, and it is considered a part of the middle east. He is an Arab (but an African) and he is a Sunni Muslim.

He grew up in a very religious household. His mother actually wears a full burqa. He prays 5 times a day, and when he reads - 9 times out of 10 he will pick up the Qu'ran.

Then let's get to me. I was born in Macon, Georgia. That's right smack dab in the middle of Georgia. The South. The epitome of the south.

Macon might have about 100,000 people. We consider our little town to be the Cherry Blossom Capital of the World. LOL. Seriously. Macon also has another claim to fame- it has more churches per square mile than any other city. Oh yeah.
Protestant churches, might I add.

I am Catholic. My mom is orginally from Macon. My dad is from Indiana. A very non-traditional family. Artistic, if you will. I was born in 1973.

Note the age difference between my egyptian and I.

Needless to say - there are some differences.

Yasser joined me in Birmingham, Alabama for many reasons. 1. He speaks Arabic, and I do not. 2. There are more opportunities here (America) and 3. I already had a home and car and the other things we need to live alone!

Sooo.. what changes have taken place for me?? There are several. Some are funny, some are not.

Here is my little list of cultural changes:

1. There are verses from the Qu'ran on my wall. Framed pics. Not something I ever imagined having. They are hanging right across from my picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. ;-)

2. The egyptian (in the beginning) kept taking my crosses down, and putting them in different places. I would find them, and put them back.

3. No alcohol in the house. Muslims do not drink. Catholics do. Hmm.. I think God provided a little divine intervention (literally) - I started taking meds for my Blood Pressure that warn to not consume any alcoholic beverages... sooo.. I have not had a drink since Oct. Our home is completely alcohol free. That's odd for some of my friends, because I used to be quite the party girl.

4. No pork in the house. This one was the hardest. Not that I ate pork everyday, but I DO live in the south, and we are the best at soul food/southern cooking - which pork is usually a staple. No more pork bacon, I have learned to eat turkey bacon. No more sausage gravy with biscuits. No more ribs, chops, and pork hot dogs for the grill. All beef. I just buy halal or kosher meats.

5. Clothing. Not that I EVER wore crazy revealing clothes, but my neckline is a lot higher now. My arms are covered. I don't wear skirts that come above mid-calf. I was able to get out the door in shorts ONCE. He was not pleased. When we go to the pool, I have to wear a cover up, and can take it off once in the water.

6. Knowing that at least 5 times a day I must turn all sound off - he will stop to pray.

7. No pets. Cleanliness is essential in Islam. Not that I am dirty - but animals in the home are consider disgusting. Sooo.. no more kitties.. no more puppies.. Also dogs are not allowed in the house - period. They believe that when you pray, that angels will not recieve the prayer to carry to Allah (God.)

8. Driving to the Mosque on Friday. That's their day of worship.

9. Privacy. Yikes. I am an open book. Privacy is SUPER important in relationships. No discussing any intimate details with others. Women are to be humble, modest and quiet. I am NONE of those things. ;-)

10. The man is consider the head of the house. Umm.. er...

Now the list of items that are different for the egyptian would require hole other ram of memory. LOL

I wanted to add one more graphic. (Click on it for a larger view.)

Here is a look at what he and I agree on when it comes to our religions. (Which clearly are a HUGE role in both of our lives.)

Check it out. Tell me what you think!

What differences do you have to learn to live with??