I was trying to help my sister get back into the game of writing for her blog again. I thought I would give her 7 words for 7 days. I randomly wrote the first words that came to mind. I gave her trust. You can read her entry at Phantasmagorical Literarium. I have to say, her entry was almost heart breaking. Why? Because I feel like I played a role in some of her issues with trust.
Here's the thing - I can be a blatant bitch when I want to be. Let me rephrase, I don't want to be a bitch - I just am. I hate that about me. Hell, even as a kid I was a little devil. Not at school. Not at ballet. But at home.
Our home was.. well.. explosive. Dad was always at work, mom was at home (a creative spirit stressed out with two kids and putting her dreams on hold.) She (the mom) has a very explosive temper - yelling was all too common. Name calling, insensitive reactions, and verbal slaps were her M.O. Guess what this little girl learned? Don't we pick up the actions, words, reactions of our parents.
I guess God created me to be quite the Survivor. For a little kid - I could seriously take some crap and you would hardly see a tear. I learned early on, tears are a sign of weakness and I should not waste one single one.
In turn, I took out my frustrations on my little sister. Mom used to play us against each other a little - showing a bit more attention, love, and praise to the younger one. I, in turn, learned a behavior that I am not proud of - I could prey on the weakness and use words in ways you could not believe to strike back at any one even attempting to steal my joy. Quick to analyze, quick to respond. Was excellent for debate - not so great for relationships.
I noticed something my sister wrote in her post - about worrying about kids picking on her for the way she looked. My God in heaven - I am guilty as charged. Kids are mean as hell - and I was super duper mean to my little sister.
It's not fair. It's not right. And I pray to God for forgiveness for ever making anyone cry based on anything I ever said.
Trust is a hard thing to find - and if those closest to you are not teaching you that you have a foundation that is strong and will protect you - how will you ever learn to trust? I know, because I never really felt that protection.
Whether or not my perception of past events are indeed reality - that is what I took away from the negative side of things. Yes, there was waaaaay more good. Yes, my parents are good people. Frustrations, aggravation - it's all a part of raising kids.
My hope is to learn to be more trustworthy. To learn to be that rock for those who may need it. If I can ever get to that point, wow - I will have accomplished the seemingly impossible.
11 comments:
Never blame yourself for my insecurities :)
I am almost in tears! Trust isn't easy. What's worst is when you *do* trust and it's broken so badly, you don't know how to trust again. How's your relationship with your sister now?
awe....honey...trust is one of those things that I believe that people earn. We too freely hand out trust like it is candy, and in turn, people will walk all over us. It's those who stand by us through thick and thin that earn our trust. Those we can confide in and they keep that confidence. Those we give our hearts to and they don't stomp on them and hand them back, earn our trust. But Heather does indeed seem like a very loving sister, as noted by her reply here. Yes, kids are mean...that is nothing new...it's been that way for centuries; I don't think its as much as what you do as a kid, but more how you embrace your sister with love as an adult that makes all the difference in the world. And clearly, it does! Hugs...
Hi there,
New follower from Follow Me Monday. I love these blog hops, they are great ways to meet some really awesome people. :)
Hoping you'll drop by for a visit whenever you get a moment. Thanks
Marie
The Things We Find Inside
I appreciate your honesty and relationships with sisters can be complicated. Thanks for stopping by today!
Wonderful post! Hi there! following you from Monday Blog Hop!
www.couponmamacita.blogspot.com
Funny you write about this one, too, Nicole. The other day, my mom ran into an old neighbor of ours from when I was a young child. My mom gave this person my address (this person owns a store and my mom put me on her mailing list.) When my mom told me, I was immediately angry - because this person was down right MEAN to me when I was a child - and I had no desire whatsoever to see her as an adult. My memories are probably from when I was 6 or 7. But she was sneaky, she was hurtful, she was mean. My mom said I am being ridiculous (because I told her I would rather she not have given my information out.) My mom said, "She seems absolutely lovely and charming. She was so excited to hear about you." Isn't it strange that I felt such opposite about her? Trust . . . it's a hard thing to give back to someone once taken. But siblings . . . I think that plays a completely different hand. I have a fantastic relationship with two of mine - and a not so great one with another. Was the one really rotten to me as a kid - yep, you bet. But would I trust them today, as adults? You know, I would. I think your sister's comment above says it all, dear friend. Don't be too hard on yourself. And I, in turn, will not be too hard on my old neighbor.
I'll bet you are much closer to your goal than you think. Beautiful, honest post.
I was kind of a mean older sister myself sometimes. I think I still do it on occasion, though I never mean it. I'm just very blunt with her, or painfully honest, which ever you prefer. But she can take it... and now that she's gotten harder and older, she can certainly give it. So I don't feel too bad.
You shouldn't either. Kids are horrible monsters.
PS: Your welcome. I'm good at sensing sarcasm. Pro-fessional.
Nicole,
You run very deep and I think you may of hit home with a lot of your readers.
I think we all hate the bitchy side of us, but sometimes we just can't help it.
I remember as a kid picking on my younger sister, I know I did it because she was my Dads favorite. Now, as adults we are good friends, we never talk about how mean I was to her. Maybe I should, I need to apologize for all the hurt I must have caused her.
Thanks Nicole for making me think about what and how I say things to hurt others. I am going to try harder to be a good person.
Terry
I agree with Bossy Betty that you're probably closer than you realize. Habits are hard to change and they take an enormous amount of time to do so... so don't give up.
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