Trust

I woke up this morning with the realization that I made it through September. *exhale a sigh of relief*

I'm moving into another chapter, another phase - one for which I am completely unprepared for. I have discovered that when faced with myself, I still have a lot of healing to do.

It all boils down to trust - and I am in short supply.

It's going to be the thorn that pokes in my side. Why? Because all of my experiences with love and life and loss all boil down to broken trust.

That's a hard road to travel.

Some people are lucky. They simply find and attract the people, places, instances that are trustworthy. For whatever reason, I do the opposite. Never knew why...

Clearly it has something to do with me.

I've got to heal that, or I will be toxic to another person or situation.

I decided this morning that I need to pull myself closer to God. He has opened new doors and windows and I need to be fully invested in the present. I need to stop looking behind me, and I need to stop wondering how the story will end (or assuming I know how it will end.) I need to only concentrate on today, keep a positive attitude and stop being so damned afraid of getting hurt.

Non Fiction Writer's Group

Oh God.

Literally - soooo... remember that writing seminar I went to? Maybe a little over a month ago, or so? I wrote about it HERE.

Well, I am not sure if I told you guys, but the organizer of this seminar was looking to start a group for nonfiction writers. I suppose that is the category I fall into. I mean, I do write about my life, the daily nuiances, just life in general. When I do get published, it's in local magazines and is about cardiovascular disease.... soooo.. non fiction it is.

BUT - we are supposed to bring some of our work to share with the group.

Cringe.

To be critiqued.

Double cringe.

I want to meet with other writers, but I have NO desire to have someone else judge my silly ramblings. I mean, I don't put a lot of thought into my blog posts. I literally wake up and something just comes to me, and next I find myself telling you all about it.

It's like a written telephone call to a few friends.

It is also a way to document my journey. Maybe I connect with you, maybe you connect with me. Maybe you leave a little support - or help guide me - or reflect the truth.

Oh I don't know... but this... this meeting, is making me anxious.

I LOVE to write. But I don't like to talk about it. I HATE when my mom calls and says, "So I read that.... "

I know it seems weird, but I am actually private. That is face-to-face. I don't care if you read about what's going on with me - but don't speak about it to me. That is, unless I broach the subject with you.

Does that make ANY sense?

Sooo.. if I am supposed to share something I have written, which posts are appropriate? EEk. It's all SOOOO personal. Am I to read it aloud to these women and men? I think I would rather sky dive.

*sigh*

Facing Your Fears

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. ~Andre Gide

It is not an easy task - admitting your fears. I don't know how many times I have tried to bring up something that might be frightening to someone and they immediately shake their head and cover their ears saying, "No, No, No. I don't want to even talk about it."

The inspiration for this post comes from my sister's post yesterday. Heather at Phantasmagorical Literarium talks about her three main fears in her life right now.

She listed her concerns on her parenting, whether she will ever find the right job and whether she will ever be lovable again.

It got me to thinking - what are my deep down fears at this time? Things I have YET to admit to myself. See.. I also like to cover my ears and shake my head and shout - "No No No." But who is that really helping in the long run?

I have admit - fear is common place for me. I think I have mentioned it from time to time, but I have suffered from panic attacks since I was 8 years old. I am MUCH better now - but unfortunately, those little babies never fully go away. When you find yourself under even more stress - they tend to reappear, and I will be damned if they don't just happen in the strangest places and at random times. That's the beauty of Panic Disorder. No - I do not take any medication, nor do I ever plan to.

The fear I experience with panic attacks are irrational. They are not the BIG things. Nor are the fears I am about to list have anything to do with phobias I might have (like driving over bridges alone.) These fears.. well.. they are actually insecurities. Sort of.

With out further adieu.. here is my list of current "deep down fears" :

1. That I will end up divorced, again. Yep. I am have worked so hard to make this relationship work out. I have given it my all. I believe so strongly in what the egyptian and I had from the beginning - 3 beautiful years - this 4th year is beginning to scare me a little. Too many threats of ending things, too many bad words have been said aloud, just too much anger and resentment. I cannot go through another divorce. (I was married once before.) I CANNOT put myself through another relationship.. I simply could not. I love this man waaaaay too much. It makes me sick to even think of it. Things are turning around, but this past year has been waaaaaaaaaaaay too hard on me.. and on him. Things have GOT to change.

2. That I will get stuck in Alabama. Ha! I know, sounds silly. I moved to Birmingham about 5years ago. It was never the plan to stay here that long. I followed my ex-husband here.. one year later he left me and moved to Mobile. I am still here. I do like my job and the friends I have made here - but honestly, it wasn't in the plan. The egyptian and I would like to live further north (maybe DC or NYC or Boston or Chicago or Seattle or LA.. someplace like that.) But finding a job when you live out of state in this economy is difficult. For now, we are here. We are trying to make it our home - but it was never my plan to be here this long. I am afraid I will get sucked into this place and take root. That CANNOT happen.

3. That I will never get this health thing (ie - weight thing) under control. I was not a chubby kid. I was not a chubby young adult - it wasn't until my late 20s that I gained a lot of weight. I HATE it. But ever since my 1st marriage, I have no energy to follow thru on a physical regime. I have GOT to make a change, but I have no energy to do it at the level that is expected.

4. That something will happen to my parents, and I will have to take care of my sister and Autumn. Right now, my sis lives with my parents (is going to school) and is an unemployed, single mom. I would totally take them in - but it would be sooo difficult. I am pretty much the one taking care of everything now in my home (the egyptian is not financially where he hopes to be). Even more frightening - my father's health is really bad. What if he ends up having to leave work? My mother hardly makes enough to take care of the both of them and my sister and Autumn. What if I have to carry that financial burden on my back also? Ooooh the horror.

5. That I will never do what I REALLY want to do. I love two things: Writing and Photography. I started out as a journalist (tv news producer) and ended up in PR. I do write for a living, but not as much as I used to. My blogs - as messy and grammatically incorrect as they are - exist as my online journal. They are my morning thoughts while I drink coffee, or at night as I wind down. I don't proof read them, and I definitely don't sit and worry about them. This is my outlet to vent... with the written word. I assure you, my professional writing is different. I worry I will never  enter that one year program in photography I have been eyeing. I have put it off year after year after year.  As for the writing, I am at a lost. I have soooo much to say, and my imagination is off the charts  - but I stand here - frozen in the dream.

Those are just a few deep-seated "fears" I have. What about you? What are you afraid of at the moment? Not your phobias.. just the other stuff... the stuff that is hard to admit.