That is one of the first quotes I ever fell in love with. You see, I have been collecting "quotes" my entire life. I have dozens of journals filled with lines from movies, TV shows, my favorite books and even from Presidential speeches. Words are everything to me.
Literally.
I should not have been surprised when I read the book, "The Five Love Languages" and found out that my "love language" is words of affirmation.
Or why I find negativity to completely wipe me out emotionally and spiritually. It's words.
Which is why, when I opened my old journal (circa 1992) and saw that quote - it was time to be that girl again.
I am impressed with that 19 year old. Man, did she have some lofty goals. My plan was to:
1. Finish college with my degree in Broadcast Journalism (check)
2. Land a job.. in TV... as a producer.. as soon as my internship ended (check)
I did it. Looking back, it was a serious string of luck. How many kids (right) out of college get hired in TV as a producer for a 5,6 or 11pm newscast? It's not typical, though I was not your typical kid. I had BIG dreams. I was all about setting my goals, talking about them all the time and making them happen. It was NOT an option to fail. I did not even understand what that meant.
I ended up working with so many people just like me. Young people - driven people - destined to move on and do great things. They knew what they wanted, and like me, they got it. They knew they would have to sacrifice family and material items for a while - but eventually it would happen.
Then something happened.
I got off track.
I began comparing myself to my friends (who never actually finished college and were working full time jobs.) They were buying cars and houses, and starting families. I could barely afford my electric bill. (Joys of TV - no money in the smaller markets.) I met a guy, who honestly, when I look back, took me off track and brought me down. It seemed like the right thing to do. Again, I was torn between what I thought I should be doing versus what I should have been doing.
I found an out - and I took it. Gave me more money, I bought the things I wanted, but I never felt fulfilled ever again.
As soon as I left TV and married my first husband - something was off. My mental programming got warped and suddenly I did not know what I wanted next. Ever since then - no major goals.
When someone asks me - where do you see yourself in 5 years? I honestly could not answer that question.
My friend, Telisa, who I have known most of my life, said someone asked her about 2 years ago. As she was backpacking across Europe, alone, she said that she was able to answer that very question and she said, "Doing what I am doing now." But the adventure is over.. and reality set in.
When I traveled abroad, I felt the same thing. Like THIS is where I am supposed to be. When I am writing from the heart, I think to myself, THIS is what God created me for. To express my thoughts. When I am taking photos and capturing a moment, I think THIS is the most fun! When I sat in the control room, looking at a lineup, sitting with head phones on and prepping the anchor for the show I spent all day stacking and creating.. I used to think - THIS is what I want to do. When I am out in the community, working with our media spokespeople, crafting their words, coaching the reporters, and then watching the shot go live - I think, THIS is what keeps me where I am now. When the egyptian comes home, smiles at me and reminds me why he chose to be here.. and why after all we have gone through.. he chooses to stay with me and work it out.. I think THIS is the man I chose and I WANT to spend the rest of my life with - regardless of the ups and downs and cultural hardships. Regardless of the opinions and advice of others. This is now and this is it.
What I would like to send out into the universe is this:
My truths. I need new goals. I need new adventures. I need to make SWEEPING changes. I want the egyptian by my side, my support system to remain intact, and for all of the blessings life has to offer to come flooding in.
What are you sending out into the universe today?
"The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière
3 comments:
I've been sending out risks, and getting rewards in return. It's taken some inspiration from other people, but I'm doing it. Right now, I'm adopting a philosophy of "why not me" and hoping that that's enough. It's been working so far!
I hope you reach your next goal.
This is one of my favorites from your blog. Like you, I had goals to beat the band when I was 19 years old. For me though, I faltered when life handed me lemons and I settled for mediocrity for myself (career wise, anyway).
I now find my REAL happiness in writing, blogging, taking pictures, connecting with other women like me, and I am so angry at the 20 year old who got off track and is (10 years later) stuck in a career path I don't like because the pay cut getting out of it would be too severe.
As always, thank you for being so honest. Keep on reaching for the "thing" you need.
Can I say that I feel like you wrote this just for me?
I am just finishing college and I am looking at my friends who didn't even finish college--who are working and married and having kids. I know I'm only 23, and I shouldn't be rushing, but when I look at them the perspective gets jumbled and I feel like I'm five years behind.
Pretty soon I'm going to be in Europe, traveling, and I know that it will be AMAZING, but I'm already thinking about the after part...what am I going to do after...
I don't want to rush things just because my friends have twisted my perspective. I'm trying to remember that they are not normal. These days it is not normal to have three kids before you're 25...I just have to keep reminding myself that I am right on track and I am living an exciting life that I wouldn't have if I was them.
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