Dark Clouds

~ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Henry Wadsworth

I have tried all morning to come up with something to write. Today was "the" day to say goodbye and try my best to not break down emotionally.

Last night we sat up and went over the details of his trip. I reassured him all of the bills would be taken care of, that security measures are in place, and my schedule is the same. We slept (sort of) and then at 5am we ventured to the airport. I gave him a hug, and he told me he hates goodbyes. I quickly got in my car and drove with the windows down and the music blaring. Trying to shake off the sadness. But it came - like a thunderstorm, consumed my heart, and I cried all the way home. I prayed to God for his safety, for my sanity, for a better tomorrow.

I came home numb. Literally stripped the clothes off and left them in the living room, found my most comfortable pjs and fell into bed. I slept hard. I woke up at 9am.. and sat up.. then fell back into bed. I turned on the tv, hardly moving, just watching.. numb. I checked my facebook account, went to the bathroom, heated up corn beef hash (then ate in bed) - and went back to sleep.

I finally pulled myself up and drove to get coffee. My head feels disconnected, my body numb, my spirit gone. I figured the only thing that could shake this feeling was to caffeinate. I went for a venti caramel macchiato. Now, I am back - in bed with my laptop, drinking my coffee and trying to sort through my feelings. This is a TRUE personal journal entry.

I wish it would rain really, really hard.

~ Man could not live if he were entirely impervious to sadness. Many sorrows can be endured only by being embraced, and the pleasure taken in them naturally has a somewhat melancholy character. ~ Emile Durkheim